Honesty And Truth

I got this from Bob's bulletin on Friendster.

What is honesty?

* Honesty is telling the truth.
* Honesty is straightforward conduct.
* Honesty is being sincere, truthful, trustworthy, honorable, fair, genuine, and loyal with integrity.

8 great reasons to tell the truth

1. Telling the truth lets everyone know what really happened. There's less chances of misunderstandings, confusion, or conflict.
2. Telling the truth protects innocent people from being blamed or punished.
3. Telling the truth allows everyone to learn from what happened.
4. You usually get into less trouble for telling the truth than for lying (and getting caught).
5. Other people trust you more when you tell the truth.
6. You don't have to tell more lies to keep your story straight.
7. You gain a reputation for being truthful - a trait that most people value.
8. Telling the truth helps you feel secure and peaceful inside.

Life Filled With Borders

There is such a thing called a little private life. A little space. A personal space. Yet, when I keep my mouth shut, people tend to overstep the border of my life. My space. My room.

Have they no respect for me or anybody for that matter?

Hazie texted me today and her ex's girlfriend can't seem to stop bothering her... Hazie is young. Of course she will fight back.

Bob wants to get even but I thought of an approach for people like that (it is funny how you can actually settle someone's problem but can't never settle your own! *chuckles*).

We need to draw a borderline. If anyone overstep the line, the opposite party can do whatever. Owh well. I just hope most of the war I got myself into, I hope the opposite party overstep the border... as it is, there is a badger sniffing around my fence!

Just don't enter my boundary. That is all.

I am so sorry if I have hatred lurking within me. It is just me. I am not being a hypocrite in denying my hatred for people. Better be honest than being a hypocrite!

The Disadvantage Of Being Sugar High

Often keeps me awake! Even after sleep. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I will have some difficulty going back to sleep. Damn.

Gosh. I don't know what else to say about it except, I want to go back to sleep and I am hungry. SERIOUSLY.

I Am Obsessed!

I can't stop listening to Queen. Someone help me.

I found Somebody to Love at Pop Wave and damn, I need and I want to memorise that song so I can sing it comfortably! HAHA!

HEHEHE! Owh well.

Threatened?

When I think about it, I think, SOME people are threatened at the fact that I am in a relationship with Akim... I feel strongly about it because today SOMEONE sent me a message asking (again) about Akim.

Why should they bother? I have NOTHING to do with that bastard, why should my relationship with Akim be such a bother to them? Why should they be so curious about my relationship with Akim? What the hell is their problem? It is not like I nose into that bastard's married life! I don't bloody care if he died in an accident or if he got circumsized for the thousandth time or if some gangster had beaten him up or something. I. DON'T. FUCKING. CARE. If he is dead OR alive for that matter. Akim is getting annoyed at the fact that that family can't seem to stop bugging the two of us on Friendster OR Facebook! I don't mind it if they want to know if wasn't for that silly controversy over a picture in Friendster! First time, I could forgive. From that bastard's siblings and mother, I don't give a damn. Just don't spread the bloody thing to other family members! It pissed me off when that bastard's cousin saw one particular picture in my handphone and said, "That is the picture I saw on the Internet!"

That ticked me. That made me angry! That was enough to fill my heart with hate and disrespect! Akim have been trying to calm me down about it but I don't let go easily. They better be lucky Akim is the type to teach me to cool down and to respect people. UNLIKE THAT BASTARD! I always hear that bastard raise his voice at his own mother! Wow! That is a good son, huh? FUCKTARD!

Seriously. It is best if you leave me and Akim alone... people wanting to know about me and him is actually an invitation to trouble. I don't like my love life being disturbed. I hate it when there is someone bothering my love life. If you are jealous, tell to our faces. If you don't want either one of us to be happy, tell to our faces. If you think it is a threat, tell to our faces.

But I think, in my case with THAT family, they are sore at the fact that I found someone. Yeah, who were the ones who said things like, "Lak kau akan temu orang bagus gik dari Maman!" (You will find someone better than Maman). Hello? I found someone WAY BETTER than that BASTARD (he is, no denial - all cheaters are bastards, if not - LOWER than a bastard!) So? What is the bloody fuss?

I also remember that I WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD THAT BASTARD, I DIDN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM and just the other day, his mother told Akim, that HE BROKE UP WITH ME! I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK?" LIES AND MORE LIES!

Owh well. I am going to leave this post here. I will blog later. I dare tell people about this case because I know one thing, I am the victim. I never wanted to go back into a relationship with him. It was HIM who wanted me (or my money) so badly. Mother fucker that he is.

People

Why can't people just learn to mind their own business? I just don't get it. Why are they so curious about Akim? Why must they bother with our lives when we have NOTHING to do with them?

Fuck! Why can't they just mind their own business and not bother other people's life with their curiousity.

The question that is racing through my mind is, why are they so interested to know about Akim? Is it a point to get me? Damn! Fuck it. I can't seem to put my foot down without them trying to mind my life.

Isk~

I Fare Ye Adieu 2008 And Welcome 2009

2008 is ending.

For me. 2008 began like shit. I was suffering. I was in pain. I hated life at the beginning. Too many series of event happened of which I hated.

The end of 2008, is sailing smoothly although there were some storms.

I am not going to make any resolutions because I know I don't keep them. I tend to forget what my resolutions are.

But.

I have hopes. I hope 2009 will be awesome. I started a new chapter in my life-novel. I hope. No one is there to burn the pages... Owh well. Hope they will suffer. That is all I hope for.

Thanks, for all the pain you people had given me. All the best!

Overrated-ness

I hate it. Nowadays, it is Twilight this. Twilight that. It is annoying. Especially, Edward Cullen! IT IS ANNOYING! People think Stephenie Meyer writing that book is the best thing. I DISAGREE. I didn't like it. Ms. Meyer made vampires unvampire-like... Vampires don't sparkle in the sunlight... Vampires DIE when they are exposed to the sun!

The other thing is.. owning a DSLR. If you are into photography, I don't mind. I don't care. You are serious about it but if... you own a DSLR just because it is just another camera to you.. Why bother? I know of someone who uses a DSLR ONLY to take pictures of HERSELF. Bloody hell. Just because guys thinks that a girl looks cool owning one? Why bother spending more than RM1,000 for a camera you are not going to use for the purpose of other things else in photography rather than only self-portraiture?

Over The Week

What happened? I had been angsty! And... most of all, I had been feeling rather musical. I didn't stop listening to Hairspray, Mamma Mia! and many others.

In Hairspray, I love Queen Latifah's voice in this song called I Know Where I've Been.

There's a light
In the darkness
Though the night
Is black as my skin
There's a light
Burning bright
Showing me the way
But i know where i've been

There's a cry
In the distance
It's a voice
That comes from deep within
There's a cry
Asking why
I pray the answer's up ahead
'Cause i know where i've been

There's a road
We've been travelin'
Lost so many on the way
But the riches
Will be plenty
Worth the price we
Had to pay

There's a dream
In the future
There's a struggle
That we have yet to win
And there's pride
In my heart
'Cause i know
Where i'm going
And i know where i've been

There's a road
We must travel
There's a promise
We must make
'Cause the riches
Will be plenty
Worth the risk
And chances that we take
There's a dream
In the future
There's a struggle

We have yet to win
Use that pride
In our hearts
To lift us up
Until tomorrow

'Cause just to sit still
Would be a sin

I know it, i know it
I know where i'm going

And lord knows i know..
Where i've been

Oh! When we win,
I'll give thanks to my god
'Cause i know where i've been

Lyrics are nice, too. I hadn't really stopped listening to Abba songs, too! I even downloaded METAL TRIBUTE to Abba! It is amazing. It sounds wonderful! It sounds like a gospel but heck, it is just a song.

I am downloading as many albums as possible because after tonight, I will get slow Internet connection! Damn it. I am already pampered by the hotel Internet connection! I love it! It is fast! Argh! I can download an album in less than an hour!

And... I saw Boyzone's latest video... Better. VERY POWERFUL. Stephen has a guy as his partner in the video. Hey, I admire him for that! Why? He came out. He is not being a hypocrite. Owh well. I have nothing against homosexuals because it is their rights. They have their rights to be whatever they want to be. So? Who are we to stop them? ;)

No Use For A Tudong

Have you ever seen a girl wearing a tudong (hijab) but wearing sleeveless? I have. Or heard about one girl wearing a tudong, but smokes cigarettes? I have.

The thought of it makes me angry. The thought of it makes me feel like killing girls like that. Why bother wearing a tudong if you were to wear a sleeveless or smoke? Gosh. Talking about being a hypocrite.

Just a thought actually. Hehe!

Something Bad About Jaja

I realised, I don't let go of people's words easily. I am not one to let go. It's been months since I was lied to about a certain bastard. I still remember everything that he told me, everything he had said to me or about me.

My point is... this is not about him alone now... it is about a relative of mine. My Mum's sister. I did something of the nasty yesterday when I met her. I didn't talk to her or look at her. The things she told my elder sister about Athena still burns within me. I remember that day when Mummy called me, I was driving telling me about it. Damn. I nearly got involved in an accident when I heard about it. I was angry with her remarks about Athena. "You should change the name... because when she dies, she won't be accepted into Heaven..."

HELLO! My elder sister brought the poor thing into the world and you got the cheek to say such things to my sister who was still under confinement? Damn, Woman... that baby is NOT YOURS OR YOUR MR-KNOW-IT-ALL SON! I truly lost all respect to her and my cousin for saying such things. Athena is a beautiful name. If my sister's husband's cousin, who is an USTAZ can say, "Kacak nama!" ("Pretty name!") Look!?! A man who is religious... a man who teaches ISLAM compliment the name Athena!

I never let go of those words. Aqeem have been asking me to let go but I can't seem to forgive my aunt for that.

My cousin? I've not spoken to her for 7 years just because she betrayed me. She said she would mend my almost broken relationship with Amer but she never did. She use something on him, she took him for herself. Here, in some ways, I am glad it happened because Amer and I are never meant for each other... Yet, with the anger 7 years ago, I never spoke to her. I couldn't forgive her. I never let go.

I NEVER let go a grudge. It is bad. It is never wise to mess with me. I don't let go easily.

Something To Rant About

I don't get people. I don't want to criticise or mention names but then, I have to since I hate what happened yesterday. Yesterday, I opened up my Facebook and received a wall post from Maman's sister-in-law ONLY to tell me she uploaded my USELESS EX'S wedding pictures~! Do I look like I am bloody interested to see his wedding pictures? I don't give a damn if he is dead or alive! What kills me is he hurted me in the past... why should I bother? I am not interested. As long as I am happy and he is happy, so what?

Maybe her intention was harmless but at least RESPECT ME as your brother-in-law's ex... the victim of your brother-in-law. Okay, here is the ACTUAL story. Maman can tell bullshit to his mother and family, I don't give a damn. Everything that had happened between me and him... the thing I am going to blog about... is NOT lies. If it was, I have witnesses who can tell how I suffered when I was with Maman!

It was during the fasting month when he wanted to meet up with me... so I went, thinking I could just let him go once and for all or even mend our broken relationship but if he mentioned anything about money, I will let go... or deceive him... resorting him to let me go...

So, when I met him, he was crying his eyeballs out saying he wanted me back and in order for me to get back to him and for him to let go of his fiancee, I must give him RM3,000. THAT WAS IT. I was going to deceive him by saying I would look for it but do nothing about it. He wanted me for money. No more. No less. Fucktard! And what was the reason he asked for the RM3,000? He owed the girl money! BULLSHIT! (as I recently found out, he sold Ejah's scooter for RM3,000 - so the damn money was for him to get married! Fucker! I am not stupid like you!)

The night before Raya, I was at Memories, Padungan with Juliana when again Maman called... asking me to return back and asking for the RM3,000. I was angry. Juliana is my witness for this one. Again, I said I didn't want to provide the money. If he had loved me, he wouldn't ask for the money! So, I told him, I was sure about breaking up with him and I didn't want to be with him anymore. I had enough. He wasn't worth my heart if he wants only money from me.

Raya, I met Akim. THANK GOD. I had already blogged about Akim and I... so, I am not going to talk about it any further. A week after I had gotten into a relationship with Akim, Maman instigated me about Akim. Fucking hell. I don't even want to remember what he did to me that made me hate him so much. I didn't have any grudges until that incident with the DSLR! Fucker that he is. Owh well. People like him should just die of hunger. They have no effort to find their own money... they rely on others. Owh well. Wishing MAMAN all the BEST...

Thanks for ruining my fucking life, Fucker. Thanks a bunch!

Second Month Anniversary

Today... our second month together! :D Let me begin with this...

Raya 'o8 would probably be the nicest of all the Rayas I have celebrated. Normally. I would dread 2nd day of Raya! The 2nd day of Raya always meant many people coming to the house. Endless hustle and bustle. I hated 2nd day of Raya.

This year, 2008... I was minding my own business hoping that no one would come until I got a phone call from Jay asking if I was at home. I told him I was since it was my open house day! So, he told me that a few of them were coming. Then, I heard Ijan's voice. [NOW, Ijan and Jay were my friends since 2004 and these are the two who often helped me whenever I had problems, so they are considered the good guys on my book and for FOUR years of knowing them, I never had any betrayal from them...] I told Jay that it was okay since there was almost no one at the house.

They came with 4 other people... a girl and three other boys. We sat outside, talked. Served them drinks and I noticed one of them had this tee shirt which I found rather amusingly stupid... what was on the tee shirt? Internation Symbol for Fuck You. I was tempted to tear that tee shirt off that guy's body. Yet, with him there smiling at me, I took out the forgive-and-forget rule. It was just a shirt. But still. So, I invited them in to eat. Since I had my dinner earlier, I sat down at the couch which was in the dining room and talked to them while they ate.

Ijan asked me if I was still with M and I told him that I was happily single. Then I showed them the stupid scar on my left arm. The guy wearing that crude tee shirt then said, "All guys are the same... they are only after one thing... after they get that one thing, they ending up hurting the girl's feelings... even if she was honest with him!" I was shocked. For a moment there, everyone was quiet then I managed to say, "Won't a girl be lucky if she could have a guy like you?" That guy looked at me then looked down at his plate. Then it was silence.

After eating, we went outside to the living room and talked... got restless, we all went outside and talked again... When we were sitting outside, I attacked Ijan since I found some pictures on his Friendster which kinda pissed me off. So Mr. Crude Tee Shirt assured me that he will look after Ijan for me and he asked for my number in case Ijan were to do anything stupid, he would contact me. I gave him my number.

He contacted me the very next day. I was surprised and to think I was in a bad mood, at least there was someone to actually text. So, I got to know him. I was finding pleasure in texting this guy name Akim. He was fun to contact. I was happy when I texted him considering I was angry at the fact that I couldn't go out that day! On that same day also, he confessed something to me which made me quite unhappy and I knew I instigated him about it. He told me he fell in love with some girl. She had Chinese looks and she was super socialised. He told me also his friends introduced her to him. I instigated him not all girls could be trusted. I had to admit, I was quite jealous but then... I kept things to myself since I didn't say much.

A few days after Raya, I contacted Akim again. But there was no reply from him at all. I got bored. Life went by normally. Until one day, I was hanging out with Mirul and told him I was in the mood to karaoke. So, I called Ijan up asking him what time was he heading for work at Pop Wave II. Then, I heard in the background people making noise so I asked Ijan who it was and Ijan told me it was Akim. I INSISTED on talking to Akim! Over the phone, as excited as I was, I screamed at him for disappearing and he laughed. He told me he didn't have credit to sms me back. He will contact me once he has credit and he will add me to his Friends and Family.

I told him then I insist him to meet me at Pop Wave II. He said he will be there. I was getting excited to actually laugh with him since he was a fun guy to be with. So, Mirul and I went to Pop Wave II... Ijan and Bob came first. I didn't see Akim. I was about to get excited when this guilty looking guy came in. It was Akim! When asked why and he said he wanted to malinger from work. So, he did.

We karaoked and I got teased by him. I felt like strangling him but at the same time I was happy he did because he made me laugh. I tortured him with some songs, too. I made my selection and when I did he screamed his head out. It was fun.

We karaoke-d till 8 something until I asked him for help to go with me to Demak and send Mirul home. I was afraid to go alone so I dragged him along. We talked and I realised, for some kind of weird reason, I was falling for him but I kept things to myself... I was nervous and I knew one thing he kept looking at me.

When I sent him back to Pop Wave II, I felt slightly bored. I wanted to spend more time with him but I knew I had to go off since I promised that I would hang out with Kak Finie since she was feeling rather depressed.

Akim and I kept in touch after then he decided to just disappear. Again. Once again, I felt like something was missing in my life. Until one day, I contacted Jay and Ijan wondering if we could all hang out or something... in the back of my mind, there was a different agenda. I wanted to find Akim. I wanted to be with him. I wasn't desperate but I wanted someone I could laugh with. He was always very entertaining. I had to admit, I missed him. So, in the morning, I kidnapped Jay and then I told him I wanted to kidnap both Ijan and Akim.

When Jay directed me to Akim's place, his scooter wasn't at home and Jay went in and asked about Akim came back to the car said, he wasn't home. I was disappointed. "We will try again later, Jay!" I told him. Jay agreed. So we decided to kidnap Ijan next. When I took Ijan, we went to Akim's place. Again! No luck. This time, I was both worried and disappointed. The question racing through my mind was, 'Where is he?'

When Jay, Ijan and I were sitting at Siang Siang at 3rd Mile, Jay asked me an interesting question. "Between us four, who will get married first?" Ijan was busy with his kolo mee and I said, "Hm, Jay. There is only the three of us here. Why four?" Then Jay said, "You. Me. Ijan and Akim!" And I said coolly; "As far as I am concerned, I am the ONLY one who is still single among us!" And this Ijan said, "Ja, correction. Akim is also single." I looked down, blushing. Then I took the courage to say, "Well, if that is the case, I think you and Jay will get married first because you guys are not single! Haha!" Jay looked at me and said, "You will be surprised." Those words alone kept me thinking. I didn't want to think more about it except that I kind of wished Akim was around to back me up.

I got worried but then I was getting busy over the week end since it was Athena's Adat Bercukur.

The end of the week came. It was a Monday, October 27th 2008. I was driving to Batu Kawa to fetch Imelda who needed help when I received a text message and it was from Akim! I was so happy to see his text! Most of the time, I was texting him and I did try to get him to meet up with me... and as a cover after helping Imelda out, I was cruising around Petra Jaya area.

At one point, he asked me where I was at so, I told him I was around Petra Jaya and he told me to meet up at Masja since I was nearby. So, I went. I bought stuff to drink and eat first since I was hungry and my appointment with Juliana was around 3 something. So, when I was driving to Masja, I realised I was followed by a scooter. He had a sleazy smile on his face when he saw me. He was stalking me! And when I parked, I saw the familiar smile.

The hair! I was expecting to see a guy with yellow hair! Not black mohawk like hair! The smiled shot the Cupid's arrow into my heart! Damn! That was when I realised it was Akim as he parked behind me. We sat. Talked. Me, when it come to getting nervous, I can't seem to keep still. Until Juliana contacted me saying she needed a delay. So, as much as I showed dismay on my face, I was leaping for joy!

When the time came, Juliana was already at Pop Wave and I was sitting with Akim talking. I had to go off. I was a wee bit upset when I offered him, he said 'no' since he had to do something.

Finally, he asked the question after a thousand text messages. For the life of me, I cannot remember how I reacted but I was happy. I couldn't believe my eyes when I read the text message. I accepted him with new hope.

Basically, that is how we came to be. Hope he would be better than Maman. Actually. He IS better than Maman despite his black history! He proved to me a lot of things.. but I cannot be too over confident. I need to stay on the safe side also. I am still doubtful. I still have my uncertainty~ after all, it's been only 2 months. I was deceived for 3 years. Yet. Now, at least Akim tells and shows me everything he does. He admits he drinks and so forth. So. This much I can tell... he is NOT a hypocrite. Like Maman, who claimed that he doesn't drink alcohol anymore or have any girls behind my back but still do all those and still have scandals... owh well. Pity his wife. Hope she is stronger than me. All the best, Girl. I am HAPPIER WITHOUT Maman. I can still have male friends but then I still limit my distant with them although Akim doesn't mind yet I still have to take care of his trust.

Unpleasant Surprise

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really hate the ungrateful people at Demak... that CONSTITUENCY... THEY ARE SO FUCKING UNGRATEFUL!!

FUCKER!! FUCKER!! FUCKER!!

Hope that BLOGGER dies a painful death! Fuck!

Low Respect

Seriously, when I think about it, I cannot believe I used to care about people who are actually hypocrites. In front of you they act like an Angel. They talk good about you. They praise you. They worship you. They lick your ass when in front of you...

Yet, behind you... everything they've ever said in front of you, turns the other way around.

I have very low respect for that person despite me telling people how I used to respect that person. She doesn't deserve the respect I gave her. Why? She is a liar and a hypocrite!

Owh well. Hope KARMA is there to bite her back! Yeah~~~~~~~~~~

The Keribang Clan's Principle

I know the Keribang Clan really love this song by Tupac. It's called Runnin'. The more I listen to that song... the more I love the chorus...

You know, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see, when there aint nothing in sight
Why I am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die

Pretty much the truth..

However, our principle is we are YOUNG. we are DUMB. but we have HEART.

We stand together. If one person is being fucked with, the whole clan is being fucked with... that is what being a clan or a family means... No doubt these guys have some dark history behind them but heck, we all do. We all have dark histories behind us.

Whatever it is... we are a clan. We are a family. We are the Keribang Clan. Hehe!

Smiling As A 'Sedekah' (Alms)?

I forgot to rant about this. I find this a wee bit sickening among our Malaysian society. I hate people for this especially the bloody Malays!

SCENARIO 1
You are walking along, minding your own business and you see a few people. You smile at them. They ending up LAUGHING AT YOU and they were two Malay girls wearing tudongs. If they smile back, it is nothing but to think that they actually LAUGH AT YOU. What the hell? How would you feel if some people were to do this to you? You don't know what wrong did you do... somehow, you will feel offended.

SCENARIO 2
Again. You walk along and you smile at a person but that person doesn't even smile at you! And again that person is a MALAY.

Damn. Where is the sole meaning of, smiling as a sedekah? Haiya.

Tip For Drinkers Who Are Not Like Me! HAHA!

Tip for drinkers:- once you feel light headed, it means you are getting tipsy. What you do...? STOP DRINKING to avoid any disaster! Once you stop, you are bound to stay out of trouble but if you are still tempted by the drink, immediately look for something sour. Then you continue drinking. But if you want to forget the world, instead of skanking your way around, find a nice safe spot and sleep. That way you will not disturb anyone's sight by acting like a fool. This applies to people who can't seem to control themselves. If you have strong will power to control yourself, there is always, trying to keep your head straight. Don't think that you are drunk. Keep it to yourself. Don't overdo it.

Alcohol and Our Mind

Today... a lot of things have been happening. Interesting things actually... I admit. I had Absolut Vodka to fill my day today. I admit because I am being honest with myself and with other people around me. In case you didn't know, yes, I can drink... but I had never gotten drunk... I know my limitations when it comes to alcohol.

These are my thoughts on alcohol. I have LOW RESPECT for people who:-

1. Claims to be a non-drinker but...
   
   Just like that fucktard when we were in a relationship once upon a time. He tells me he doesn't drink but he does... Liar, liar pants on fire, bastard... if you drink, just admit you do. Don't just say you don't when you actually do. If it was just liqueur, I have no objections because liqueur isn't like beer. It doesn't bloat you the way beer does. Beer contains yeast and it is super bitter... when it gets flat... it gets shitty. Seriously shitty.
   
   
2. Can't seem to control themselves...
   
   I hate people who can't get a grip of themselves when they get tipsy. It is like as if they are trying to show off when they get drunk. They overact when they get drunk. They behave unappropriately. The guys will act like they own the bloody world... they will think that they are tough... the girls will act like prostitutes! I know it is almost unavoidable to get drunk for certain people but I've heard of cases where guys tend to get drunk and then attempt to beat other people up. Hello? Heard of self-control? Don't let the alcohol conquer your mind! If you let it conquer your mind, you are bound to lose yourself. Damn. Talking about weak self control! DAMN! DAMN!

Aqeem sms-ed me earlier telling me about (name 1) getting drunk and attempted to beat (name 2) up. I was pissed. Why? (Name 1) can't seem to get a whole on himself! It made me laugh thinking about this. The people around Aqeem can't seem to have any strong will control! I had been drinking since morning and yet, I am still normal. I can still think. I can still walk straight. I can still think rationally. Why is it, that some people can't do the same? Are they so weak that they can't seem to control themself? Damn!

Flickr Pro Account

After so long. I had yearned for a Flickr Pro Account and Ted made it possible for me. Thanks.

The sickening bit is, before I had plenty of pictures I wanted to upload but now, I don't have a single picture I like I want to upload!

Owh well. I need to get inspired... More later. I hope.

The Unprofessional Pro Photographer...

Have you heard of a guy with a photography studio but knows nuts about using manual/aperture mode on his DSLR? Heard of it? Weird, huh? You are supposed to be a professional and you depend very much on automatic settings. What is the point of using a DSLR? I know you can use the automatic but why claim to be a professional when you only use AUTOMATIC SETTINGS? Where is the bloody sense of trial and error or adventure in photography?

I am not a professional but at least I try to learn and use manual settings or aperture. I have learnt to use a Nikon D40x. Then a Nikon D80. Then a D200. Looking forward to something bigger and harder. The higher you go. You won't find any automatic settings. You don't find automatic settings on a D3! Why is this guy, with a photography profession fussing about the OUTDOOR MODE not being able to work? Bloody hell. I think any professional photographer would just point his finger at you and laugh out loud!

Damn. It is stupid. Why bother being a photographer and open a studio when you don't know how to use MANUAL or APERTURE settings? And you are ONLY using a one zero series Nikon DSLR like the Nikon D80?

Thoughts...

I seriously don't know what is racing through my mind. I am feelings so bored and uncertain. I am feeling so confused. Most of all, all this hate is reborn.

My hate for someone I used to love.

I want to claim back all that was rightfully mine to begin with. I want him to suffer the way I did when I was with him. For 3 years, I have been playing the fool because of one bastard. Aqeem made me realised all this in 2 months. Fucking hell.

Now even Cyberspace has eyes. Wait. Eyes spying for that bastard! I don't care if I call him a bastard. It is because, he is! I recall him telling me to be careful of people... especially guys. Yeah, guys like him. He is a hypocrite. He is a bastard. There is nothing else I can say about it. He is nothing good. He is worse than anything lower than shit itself. He is not meant to be seen as a human. Why? He is such a hypocrite. He only utter lies. He sees other people's flaws but never his own. Mother fucker!

Now, I am NOT allowed to be with someone when he is happily married to a poor innocent fool! I hope she will realise what her husband is really capable of.

I hate him for the scars he left on my heart. I hate him for all the pain he caused me. I hate him for what he said about my friends and I hate him most of all the lies he planted into my head about everyone. He calls me a fool for trusting my friends. He is the bloody fool for having useless friends. As far as I am concerned, HE WAS THE MOST USELESS PERSON I HAD EVER KNOWN!

He killed my livelihood. Damn. I wished I had given my number to Aqeem 3 years ago! None of this would have happened. Aqeem would have been the guy to save my ass! Argh!

I think too much. It is sick. No wonder the high blood pressure. I think I should just shoot myself rather than letting my failing health try to kill me.

The Biggest Shock Of My Bloody Life

The other day, I claimed that I would die of high blood pressure because of people. I think it might come into a reality. Why? I went to the doctor yesterday and I was shocked with the result I got. I had high blood.

When I told Aqeem about it, he wasn't too happy, "That why, you cry too much! You get worried too much and most of all, you get angry too much!" I kept quiet since that was the only thing I could do. Lately, I have been getting angry with all the stories I heard anyway. I can't get over the damn fact that the person I used to care for, use to love is a traitor, a fraud. Really he is.

Forgetting about him. I want to be happy before I get too stressed up with people and LAW. I want to really ease myself. I really want to let go of myself before the next semester start and I have to study my ass off. Aqeem will be continuing his studies, too. So, both will be busy with their own studies.

Anyway, I still cannot get over it when the nurse told me, "I've been handling people with high blood pressure today..." I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK?" Then I decided to keep quiet and cheer myself up. I knew I had to try and cheer up. I knew then that I was tensed with everything around me. I also knew I was angry at some bastard for over the last few days.

I think I should rest more now. I should sleep more. Lately, I can't seem to sleep. I don't want to be insomnic again. No way. No how. Not going to happen. I will go on a killing spree if that happens and I know who will be my first murder victim. Him - that treacherous asshole...

Owh well. Life goes on. I am happier now with the company I have... and most of all, with Aqeem who tends to get freaked out to see me getting a wee bit too emotionally unstable.

Thanks!

Shameless

I opened up my Friendster this morning and saw something really sickening and annoying. Not only that, it made me think. Why are kids these days so... shameless and cruel?

They make other people believe that they love them but at the end of the day, they break up. They ending up toying with the other person's heart. I hate it. My heart was toyed with in the past. All because of a bastard who didn't want to change for the better..

Anyway, if it was a guy, it wouldn't be so bad but I hate to see a girl touing with a guy's heart. It shows that the girl is a slut. I also hate seeing a person who can't seem to stay in one relationship for a few weeks and then break up... then get into another with another. Damn. It is sickening.

Owh well.. People like that will never last in their married life. Perhaps.

Random Deliria From Friendster

: name a person that you instantly smile when you see they're calling
? Aqeem. HEHE!
.
:: are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?
? quite.
.
:: do people ever think you're older/younger than you actually are?
? YOUNGER! Hehe!
.
:: would you like to fall in love in the next few months?
? i am in love now. hope i will be in love till the end of time :) with Aqeem
.
:: if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
? HE TOLD ME! :D
.
:: have you ever liked someone way older than you?
? most of the guys older than me are often too immature. so. forget it.
.
:: if you had a baby with the last person you texted, what would the baby's last name be?
? (name) bin/binti M******* N** Hakeem :)
.
:: have you talked to the person you like today?
? yeap :)
.
:: what are you listening to?
? We Could Be In Love by Lea Salonga and Brad Kane :D
.
:: who's the last person to make you laugh?
? Aqeem. as usual
.
:: last thing you ate?
? prawn crackers
.
:: how many people are you texting today?
? now. only Aqeem :)
.
:: will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
? dont think so :D
.
:: who was the last friend you were chillin' with?
? Aqeem. Anip. Amy. Baby
.
:: who's the last person you saw in person?
? my elder sister
.
:: what is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
? Sunquick :)
.
:: what's the reason behind your friendster display name?
? Death Prophet? :D hehehe.. the original owner of this name was rejected by Ms Gothique Death some 3 years ago.. now, apparently, Gothique Death and Death Prophet got together. hehe. he saved her just as she saved him. aww... love story! hehe! i cant believe he waited for me for 3 years... hehehe! wo ai ni, Aqeem!
.
:: could you ever forgive a cheater?
? MY ANSWER WOULD BE A BIG FAT NO! I NEVER FORGIVE A CHEATER. I AM UNISLAMIC WHERE FORGIVING CHEATERS ARE CONCERNED! IF HE COULD CHEAT ME ONCE, HE COULD CHEAT ME TWICE. IF HE COULD CHEAT ME TWICE, WHAT MORE THRICE? So, the b*stard deserved what he got! get it?
.
:: do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you're sure they won't tell?
? yeah
.
:: how old do you want to be when you get engaged?
? not sure yet.
.
:: if your most recent ex said they hate you, you say…
? say, "i am not the b*stard who cheated on you or used you. i should hate you... what rights do you have to hate me? you were the b*stard who hurt me!"
.
:: are you any good at math?
? i wish. haha!
.
:: have you ever liked someone who had a boyfriend/girlfriend?
? NOPE. I AM NOT DESPERATE! LIKE SOMEONE I KNOW.
.
:: are you threatened by another girl/boy when it comes to who you like?
? eheheh.. i do feel threatened by another girl when it comes to Aqeem. HEHE! i know how he is like with me but i still want to remain safe. correct?
.
:: good day?
? not really.
.
:: is there anyone trust you who you shouldn't?
? ABSOLUTELY. but i like telling them. because they tend to bring up the story to people they should bring it up to. muahaha! i love my life.
.
:: where is your number two on your top right now?
? in her room.
.
:: is there someone you can't stop thinking about?
? yes and he is Aqeem.
.
:: do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
? I F*CKING LOVE HIM! HE WAS THE BEST F*CKING THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN MY F*CKING LIFE! HEHE!
.
:: whats on your mind?
? Aqeem. AS USUAL!
.
:: how is your life?
? tolerable. seriously..
.
:: were you happy when you woke up today?
? yeah! :D
.
:: what did you last you get upset about?
? something that happened today
.
:: do you have a crush?
? nope
.
:: does it make you happy to get letters in the mail?
? NO! HEHE!
.
:: kiss on the first date?
? YES. on the cheeks :)
.
:: how many of your friends have seen you naked?
? NIL
.
:: who was the last person you sat next to?
? Nuril.
.
:: is your bedroom window open?
? nope
.
:: who is your favorite person to have a serious conversation with?
? Aqeem and Bob.
.
:: describe what you're wearing in detail?
? short shorts. comfortable tee shirt :D
.
:: do you remember the person you first kissed?
? hehehe. yeah!
.
:: have you ever kissed someone you didn't like?
? no but... i've kissed someone i regret being together with! SERIOUSLY!
.
:: what time did you get up today?
? pretty early but went back to sleep till 8.30 am! :D
.
:: have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
? YES. but glad it happened!
.
:: kisses or hugs?
? both ;)
.
:: have you been heartbroken?
? ALWAYS.
.
::who was the last person you hugged?
? Aqeem :D
.
:: is your mother happy with you right now?
? seriously. honestly. hope so.