I Fare Ye Adieu 2008 And Welcome 2009

2008 is ending.

For me. 2008 began like shit. I was suffering. I was in pain. I hated life at the beginning. Too many series of event happened of which I hated.

The end of 2008, is sailing smoothly although there were some storms.

I am not going to make any resolutions because I know I don't keep them. I tend to forget what my resolutions are.

But.

I have hopes. I hope 2009 will be awesome. I started a new chapter in my life-novel. I hope. No one is there to burn the pages... Owh well. Hope they will suffer. That is all I hope for.

Thanks, for all the pain you people had given me. All the best!

Overrated-ness

I hate it. Nowadays, it is Twilight this. Twilight that. It is annoying. Especially, Edward Cullen! IT IS ANNOYING! People think Stephenie Meyer writing that book is the best thing. I DISAGREE. I didn't like it. Ms. Meyer made vampires unvampire-like... Vampires don't sparkle in the sunlight... Vampires DIE when they are exposed to the sun!

The other thing is.. owning a DSLR. If you are into photography, I don't mind. I don't care. You are serious about it but if... you own a DSLR just because it is just another camera to you.. Why bother? I know of someone who uses a DSLR ONLY to take pictures of HERSELF. Bloody hell. Just because guys thinks that a girl looks cool owning one? Why bother spending more than RM1,000 for a camera you are not going to use for the purpose of other things else in photography rather than only self-portraiture?

Over The Week

What happened? I had been angsty! And... most of all, I had been feeling rather musical. I didn't stop listening to Hairspray, Mamma Mia! and many others.

In Hairspray, I love Queen Latifah's voice in this song called I Know Where I've Been.

There's a light
In the darkness
Though the night
Is black as my skin
There's a light
Burning bright
Showing me the way
But i know where i've been

There's a cry
In the distance
It's a voice
That comes from deep within
There's a cry
Asking why
I pray the answer's up ahead
'Cause i know where i've been

There's a road
We've been travelin'
Lost so many on the way
But the riches
Will be plenty
Worth the price we
Had to pay

There's a dream
In the future
There's a struggle
That we have yet to win
And there's pride
In my heart
'Cause i know
Where i'm going
And i know where i've been

There's a road
We must travel
There's a promise
We must make
'Cause the riches
Will be plenty
Worth the risk
And chances that we take
There's a dream
In the future
There's a struggle

We have yet to win
Use that pride
In our hearts
To lift us up
Until tomorrow

'Cause just to sit still
Would be a sin

I know it, i know it
I know where i'm going

And lord knows i know..
Where i've been

Oh! When we win,
I'll give thanks to my god
'Cause i know where i've been

Lyrics are nice, too. I hadn't really stopped listening to Abba songs, too! I even downloaded METAL TRIBUTE to Abba! It is amazing. It sounds wonderful! It sounds like a gospel but heck, it is just a song.

I am downloading as many albums as possible because after tonight, I will get slow Internet connection! Damn it. I am already pampered by the hotel Internet connection! I love it! It is fast! Argh! I can download an album in less than an hour!

And... I saw Boyzone's latest video... Better. VERY POWERFUL. Stephen has a guy as his partner in the video. Hey, I admire him for that! Why? He came out. He is not being a hypocrite. Owh well. I have nothing against homosexuals because it is their rights. They have their rights to be whatever they want to be. So? Who are we to stop them? ;)

No Use For A Tudong

Have you ever seen a girl wearing a tudong (hijab) but wearing sleeveless? I have. Or heard about one girl wearing a tudong, but smokes cigarettes? I have.

The thought of it makes me angry. The thought of it makes me feel like killing girls like that. Why bother wearing a tudong if you were to wear a sleeveless or smoke? Gosh. Talking about being a hypocrite.

Just a thought actually. Hehe!

Something Bad About Jaja

I realised, I don't let go of people's words easily. I am not one to let go. It's been months since I was lied to about a certain bastard. I still remember everything that he told me, everything he had said to me or about me.

My point is... this is not about him alone now... it is about a relative of mine. My Mum's sister. I did something of the nasty yesterday when I met her. I didn't talk to her or look at her. The things she told my elder sister about Athena still burns within me. I remember that day when Mummy called me, I was driving telling me about it. Damn. I nearly got involved in an accident when I heard about it. I was angry with her remarks about Athena. "You should change the name... because when she dies, she won't be accepted into Heaven..."

HELLO! My elder sister brought the poor thing into the world and you got the cheek to say such things to my sister who was still under confinement? Damn, Woman... that baby is NOT YOURS OR YOUR MR-KNOW-IT-ALL SON! I truly lost all respect to her and my cousin for saying such things. Athena is a beautiful name. If my sister's husband's cousin, who is an USTAZ can say, "Kacak nama!" ("Pretty name!") Look!?! A man who is religious... a man who teaches ISLAM compliment the name Athena!

I never let go of those words. Aqeem have been asking me to let go but I can't seem to forgive my aunt for that.

My cousin? I've not spoken to her for 7 years just because she betrayed me. She said she would mend my almost broken relationship with Amer but she never did. She use something on him, she took him for herself. Here, in some ways, I am glad it happened because Amer and I are never meant for each other... Yet, with the anger 7 years ago, I never spoke to her. I couldn't forgive her. I never let go.

I NEVER let go a grudge. It is bad. It is never wise to mess with me. I don't let go easily.

Something To Rant About

I don't get people. I don't want to criticise or mention names but then, I have to since I hate what happened yesterday. Yesterday, I opened up my Facebook and received a wall post from Maman's sister-in-law ONLY to tell me she uploaded my USELESS EX'S wedding pictures~! Do I look like I am bloody interested to see his wedding pictures? I don't give a damn if he is dead or alive! What kills me is he hurted me in the past... why should I bother? I am not interested. As long as I am happy and he is happy, so what?

Maybe her intention was harmless but at least RESPECT ME as your brother-in-law's ex... the victim of your brother-in-law. Okay, here is the ACTUAL story. Maman can tell bullshit to his mother and family, I don't give a damn. Everything that had happened between me and him... the thing I am going to blog about... is NOT lies. If it was, I have witnesses who can tell how I suffered when I was with Maman!

It was during the fasting month when he wanted to meet up with me... so I went, thinking I could just let him go once and for all or even mend our broken relationship but if he mentioned anything about money, I will let go... or deceive him... resorting him to let me go...

So, when I met him, he was crying his eyeballs out saying he wanted me back and in order for me to get back to him and for him to let go of his fiancee, I must give him RM3,000. THAT WAS IT. I was going to deceive him by saying I would look for it but do nothing about it. He wanted me for money. No more. No less. Fucktard! And what was the reason he asked for the RM3,000? He owed the girl money! BULLSHIT! (as I recently found out, he sold Ejah's scooter for RM3,000 - so the damn money was for him to get married! Fucker! I am not stupid like you!)

The night before Raya, I was at Memories, Padungan with Juliana when again Maman called... asking me to return back and asking for the RM3,000. I was angry. Juliana is my witness for this one. Again, I said I didn't want to provide the money. If he had loved me, he wouldn't ask for the money! So, I told him, I was sure about breaking up with him and I didn't want to be with him anymore. I had enough. He wasn't worth my heart if he wants only money from me.

Raya, I met Akim. THANK GOD. I had already blogged about Akim and I... so, I am not going to talk about it any further. A week after I had gotten into a relationship with Akim, Maman instigated me about Akim. Fucking hell. I don't even want to remember what he did to me that made me hate him so much. I didn't have any grudges until that incident with the DSLR! Fucker that he is. Owh well. People like him should just die of hunger. They have no effort to find their own money... they rely on others. Owh well. Wishing MAMAN all the BEST...

Thanks for ruining my fucking life, Fucker. Thanks a bunch!

Second Month Anniversary

Today... our second month together! :D Let me begin with this...

Raya 'o8 would probably be the nicest of all the Rayas I have celebrated. Normally. I would dread 2nd day of Raya! The 2nd day of Raya always meant many people coming to the house. Endless hustle and bustle. I hated 2nd day of Raya.

This year, 2008... I was minding my own business hoping that no one would come until I got a phone call from Jay asking if I was at home. I told him I was since it was my open house day! So, he told me that a few of them were coming. Then, I heard Ijan's voice. [NOW, Ijan and Jay were my friends since 2004 and these are the two who often helped me whenever I had problems, so they are considered the good guys on my book and for FOUR years of knowing them, I never had any betrayal from them...] I told Jay that it was okay since there was almost no one at the house.

They came with 4 other people... a girl and three other boys. We sat outside, talked. Served them drinks and I noticed one of them had this tee shirt which I found rather amusingly stupid... what was on the tee shirt? Internation Symbol for Fuck You. I was tempted to tear that tee shirt off that guy's body. Yet, with him there smiling at me, I took out the forgive-and-forget rule. It was just a shirt. But still. So, I invited them in to eat. Since I had my dinner earlier, I sat down at the couch which was in the dining room and talked to them while they ate.

Ijan asked me if I was still with M and I told him that I was happily single. Then I showed them the stupid scar on my left arm. The guy wearing that crude tee shirt then said, "All guys are the same... they are only after one thing... after they get that one thing, they ending up hurting the girl's feelings... even if she was honest with him!" I was shocked. For a moment there, everyone was quiet then I managed to say, "Won't a girl be lucky if she could have a guy like you?" That guy looked at me then looked down at his plate. Then it was silence.

After eating, we went outside to the living room and talked... got restless, we all went outside and talked again... When we were sitting outside, I attacked Ijan since I found some pictures on his Friendster which kinda pissed me off. So Mr. Crude Tee Shirt assured me that he will look after Ijan for me and he asked for my number in case Ijan were to do anything stupid, he would contact me. I gave him my number.

He contacted me the very next day. I was surprised and to think I was in a bad mood, at least there was someone to actually text. So, I got to know him. I was finding pleasure in texting this guy name Akim. He was fun to contact. I was happy when I texted him considering I was angry at the fact that I couldn't go out that day! On that same day also, he confessed something to me which made me quite unhappy and I knew I instigated him about it. He told me he fell in love with some girl. She had Chinese looks and she was super socialised. He told me also his friends introduced her to him. I instigated him not all girls could be trusted. I had to admit, I was quite jealous but then... I kept things to myself since I didn't say much.

A few days after Raya, I contacted Akim again. But there was no reply from him at all. I got bored. Life went by normally. Until one day, I was hanging out with Mirul and told him I was in the mood to karaoke. So, I called Ijan up asking him what time was he heading for work at Pop Wave II. Then, I heard in the background people making noise so I asked Ijan who it was and Ijan told me it was Akim. I INSISTED on talking to Akim! Over the phone, as excited as I was, I screamed at him for disappearing and he laughed. He told me he didn't have credit to sms me back. He will contact me once he has credit and he will add me to his Friends and Family.

I told him then I insist him to meet me at Pop Wave II. He said he will be there. I was getting excited to actually laugh with him since he was a fun guy to be with. So, Mirul and I went to Pop Wave II... Ijan and Bob came first. I didn't see Akim. I was about to get excited when this guilty looking guy came in. It was Akim! When asked why and he said he wanted to malinger from work. So, he did.

We karaoked and I got teased by him. I felt like strangling him but at the same time I was happy he did because he made me laugh. I tortured him with some songs, too. I made my selection and when I did he screamed his head out. It was fun.

We karaoke-d till 8 something until I asked him for help to go with me to Demak and send Mirul home. I was afraid to go alone so I dragged him along. We talked and I realised, for some kind of weird reason, I was falling for him but I kept things to myself... I was nervous and I knew one thing he kept looking at me.

When I sent him back to Pop Wave II, I felt slightly bored. I wanted to spend more time with him but I knew I had to go off since I promised that I would hang out with Kak Finie since she was feeling rather depressed.

Akim and I kept in touch after then he decided to just disappear. Again. Once again, I felt like something was missing in my life. Until one day, I contacted Jay and Ijan wondering if we could all hang out or something... in the back of my mind, there was a different agenda. I wanted to find Akim. I wanted to be with him. I wasn't desperate but I wanted someone I could laugh with. He was always very entertaining. I had to admit, I missed him. So, in the morning, I kidnapped Jay and then I told him I wanted to kidnap both Ijan and Akim.

When Jay directed me to Akim's place, his scooter wasn't at home and Jay went in and asked about Akim came back to the car said, he wasn't home. I was disappointed. "We will try again later, Jay!" I told him. Jay agreed. So we decided to kidnap Ijan next. When I took Ijan, we went to Akim's place. Again! No luck. This time, I was both worried and disappointed. The question racing through my mind was, 'Where is he?'

When Jay, Ijan and I were sitting at Siang Siang at 3rd Mile, Jay asked me an interesting question. "Between us four, who will get married first?" Ijan was busy with his kolo mee and I said, "Hm, Jay. There is only the three of us here. Why four?" Then Jay said, "You. Me. Ijan and Akim!" And I said coolly; "As far as I am concerned, I am the ONLY one who is still single among us!" And this Ijan said, "Ja, correction. Akim is also single." I looked down, blushing. Then I took the courage to say, "Well, if that is the case, I think you and Jay will get married first because you guys are not single! Haha!" Jay looked at me and said, "You will be surprised." Those words alone kept me thinking. I didn't want to think more about it except that I kind of wished Akim was around to back me up.

I got worried but then I was getting busy over the week end since it was Athena's Adat Bercukur.

The end of the week came. It was a Monday, October 27th 2008. I was driving to Batu Kawa to fetch Imelda who needed help when I received a text message and it was from Akim! I was so happy to see his text! Most of the time, I was texting him and I did try to get him to meet up with me... and as a cover after helping Imelda out, I was cruising around Petra Jaya area.

At one point, he asked me where I was at so, I told him I was around Petra Jaya and he told me to meet up at Masja since I was nearby. So, I went. I bought stuff to drink and eat first since I was hungry and my appointment with Juliana was around 3 something. So, when I was driving to Masja, I realised I was followed by a scooter. He had a sleazy smile on his face when he saw me. He was stalking me! And when I parked, I saw the familiar smile.

The hair! I was expecting to see a guy with yellow hair! Not black mohawk like hair! The smiled shot the Cupid's arrow into my heart! Damn! That was when I realised it was Akim as he parked behind me. We sat. Talked. Me, when it come to getting nervous, I can't seem to keep still. Until Juliana contacted me saying she needed a delay. So, as much as I showed dismay on my face, I was leaping for joy!

When the time came, Juliana was already at Pop Wave and I was sitting with Akim talking. I had to go off. I was a wee bit upset when I offered him, he said 'no' since he had to do something.

Finally, he asked the question after a thousand text messages. For the life of me, I cannot remember how I reacted but I was happy. I couldn't believe my eyes when I read the text message. I accepted him with new hope.

Basically, that is how we came to be. Hope he would be better than Maman. Actually. He IS better than Maman despite his black history! He proved to me a lot of things.. but I cannot be too over confident. I need to stay on the safe side also. I am still doubtful. I still have my uncertainty~ after all, it's been only 2 months. I was deceived for 3 years. Yet. Now, at least Akim tells and shows me everything he does. He admits he drinks and so forth. So. This much I can tell... he is NOT a hypocrite. Like Maman, who claimed that he doesn't drink alcohol anymore or have any girls behind my back but still do all those and still have scandals... owh well. Pity his wife. Hope she is stronger than me. All the best, Girl. I am HAPPIER WITHOUT Maman. I can still have male friends but then I still limit my distant with them although Akim doesn't mind yet I still have to take care of his trust.

Unpleasant Surprise

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really hate the ungrateful people at Demak... that CONSTITUENCY... THEY ARE SO FUCKING UNGRATEFUL!!

FUCKER!! FUCKER!! FUCKER!!

Hope that BLOGGER dies a painful death! Fuck!

Low Respect

Seriously, when I think about it, I cannot believe I used to care about people who are actually hypocrites. In front of you they act like an Angel. They talk good about you. They praise you. They worship you. They lick your ass when in front of you...

Yet, behind you... everything they've ever said in front of you, turns the other way around.

I have very low respect for that person despite me telling people how I used to respect that person. She doesn't deserve the respect I gave her. Why? She is a liar and a hypocrite!

Owh well. Hope KARMA is there to bite her back! Yeah~~~~~~~~~~

The Keribang Clan's Principle

I know the Keribang Clan really love this song by Tupac. It's called Runnin'. The more I listen to that song... the more I love the chorus...

You know, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see, when there aint nothing in sight
Why I am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die

Pretty much the truth..

However, our principle is we are YOUNG. we are DUMB. but we have HEART.

We stand together. If one person is being fucked with, the whole clan is being fucked with... that is what being a clan or a family means... No doubt these guys have some dark history behind them but heck, we all do. We all have dark histories behind us.

Whatever it is... we are a clan. We are a family. We are the Keribang Clan. Hehe!

Smiling As A 'Sedekah' (Alms)?

I forgot to rant about this. I find this a wee bit sickening among our Malaysian society. I hate people for this especially the bloody Malays!

SCENARIO 1
You are walking along, minding your own business and you see a few people. You smile at them. They ending up LAUGHING AT YOU and they were two Malay girls wearing tudongs. If they smile back, it is nothing but to think that they actually LAUGH AT YOU. What the hell? How would you feel if some people were to do this to you? You don't know what wrong did you do... somehow, you will feel offended.

SCENARIO 2
Again. You walk along and you smile at a person but that person doesn't even smile at you! And again that person is a MALAY.

Damn. Where is the sole meaning of, smiling as a sedekah? Haiya.

Tip For Drinkers Who Are Not Like Me! HAHA!

Tip for drinkers:- once you feel light headed, it means you are getting tipsy. What you do...? STOP DRINKING to avoid any disaster! Once you stop, you are bound to stay out of trouble but if you are still tempted by the drink, immediately look for something sour. Then you continue drinking. But if you want to forget the world, instead of skanking your way around, find a nice safe spot and sleep. That way you will not disturb anyone's sight by acting like a fool. This applies to people who can't seem to control themselves. If you have strong will power to control yourself, there is always, trying to keep your head straight. Don't think that you are drunk. Keep it to yourself. Don't overdo it.

Alcohol and Our Mind

Today... a lot of things have been happening. Interesting things actually... I admit. I had Absolut Vodka to fill my day today. I admit because I am being honest with myself and with other people around me. In case you didn't know, yes, I can drink... but I had never gotten drunk... I know my limitations when it comes to alcohol.

These are my thoughts on alcohol. I have LOW RESPECT for people who:-

1. Claims to be a non-drinker but...
   
   Just like that fucktard when we were in a relationship once upon a time. He tells me he doesn't drink but he does... Liar, liar pants on fire, bastard... if you drink, just admit you do. Don't just say you don't when you actually do. If it was just liqueur, I have no objections because liqueur isn't like beer. It doesn't bloat you the way beer does. Beer contains yeast and it is super bitter... when it gets flat... it gets shitty. Seriously shitty.
   
   
2. Can't seem to control themselves...
   
   I hate people who can't get a grip of themselves when they get tipsy. It is like as if they are trying to show off when they get drunk. They overact when they get drunk. They behave unappropriately. The guys will act like they own the bloody world... they will think that they are tough... the girls will act like prostitutes! I know it is almost unavoidable to get drunk for certain people but I've heard of cases where guys tend to get drunk and then attempt to beat other people up. Hello? Heard of self-control? Don't let the alcohol conquer your mind! If you let it conquer your mind, you are bound to lose yourself. Damn. Talking about weak self control! DAMN! DAMN!

Aqeem sms-ed me earlier telling me about (name 1) getting drunk and attempted to beat (name 2) up. I was pissed. Why? (Name 1) can't seem to get a whole on himself! It made me laugh thinking about this. The people around Aqeem can't seem to have any strong will control! I had been drinking since morning and yet, I am still normal. I can still think. I can still walk straight. I can still think rationally. Why is it, that some people can't do the same? Are they so weak that they can't seem to control themself? Damn!

Flickr Pro Account

After so long. I had yearned for a Flickr Pro Account and Ted made it possible for me. Thanks.

The sickening bit is, before I had plenty of pictures I wanted to upload but now, I don't have a single picture I like I want to upload!

Owh well. I need to get inspired... More later. I hope.

The Unprofessional Pro Photographer...

Have you heard of a guy with a photography studio but knows nuts about using manual/aperture mode on his DSLR? Heard of it? Weird, huh? You are supposed to be a professional and you depend very much on automatic settings. What is the point of using a DSLR? I know you can use the automatic but why claim to be a professional when you only use AUTOMATIC SETTINGS? Where is the bloody sense of trial and error or adventure in photography?

I am not a professional but at least I try to learn and use manual settings or aperture. I have learnt to use a Nikon D40x. Then a Nikon D80. Then a D200. Looking forward to something bigger and harder. The higher you go. You won't find any automatic settings. You don't find automatic settings on a D3! Why is this guy, with a photography profession fussing about the OUTDOOR MODE not being able to work? Bloody hell. I think any professional photographer would just point his finger at you and laugh out loud!

Damn. It is stupid. Why bother being a photographer and open a studio when you don't know how to use MANUAL or APERTURE settings? And you are ONLY using a one zero series Nikon DSLR like the Nikon D80?

Thoughts...

I seriously don't know what is racing through my mind. I am feelings so bored and uncertain. I am feeling so confused. Most of all, all this hate is reborn.

My hate for someone I used to love.

I want to claim back all that was rightfully mine to begin with. I want him to suffer the way I did when I was with him. For 3 years, I have been playing the fool because of one bastard. Aqeem made me realised all this in 2 months. Fucking hell.

Now even Cyberspace has eyes. Wait. Eyes spying for that bastard! I don't care if I call him a bastard. It is because, he is! I recall him telling me to be careful of people... especially guys. Yeah, guys like him. He is a hypocrite. He is a bastard. There is nothing else I can say about it. He is nothing good. He is worse than anything lower than shit itself. He is not meant to be seen as a human. Why? He is such a hypocrite. He only utter lies. He sees other people's flaws but never his own. Mother fucker!

Now, I am NOT allowed to be with someone when he is happily married to a poor innocent fool! I hope she will realise what her husband is really capable of.

I hate him for the scars he left on my heart. I hate him for all the pain he caused me. I hate him for what he said about my friends and I hate him most of all the lies he planted into my head about everyone. He calls me a fool for trusting my friends. He is the bloody fool for having useless friends. As far as I am concerned, HE WAS THE MOST USELESS PERSON I HAD EVER KNOWN!

He killed my livelihood. Damn. I wished I had given my number to Aqeem 3 years ago! None of this would have happened. Aqeem would have been the guy to save my ass! Argh!

I think too much. It is sick. No wonder the high blood pressure. I think I should just shoot myself rather than letting my failing health try to kill me.

The Biggest Shock Of My Bloody Life

The other day, I claimed that I would die of high blood pressure because of people. I think it might come into a reality. Why? I went to the doctor yesterday and I was shocked with the result I got. I had high blood.

When I told Aqeem about it, he wasn't too happy, "That why, you cry too much! You get worried too much and most of all, you get angry too much!" I kept quiet since that was the only thing I could do. Lately, I have been getting angry with all the stories I heard anyway. I can't get over the damn fact that the person I used to care for, use to love is a traitor, a fraud. Really he is.

Forgetting about him. I want to be happy before I get too stressed up with people and LAW. I want to really ease myself. I really want to let go of myself before the next semester start and I have to study my ass off. Aqeem will be continuing his studies, too. So, both will be busy with their own studies.

Anyway, I still cannot get over it when the nurse told me, "I've been handling people with high blood pressure today..." I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK?" Then I decided to keep quiet and cheer myself up. I knew I had to try and cheer up. I knew then that I was tensed with everything around me. I also knew I was angry at some bastard for over the last few days.

I think I should rest more now. I should sleep more. Lately, I can't seem to sleep. I don't want to be insomnic again. No way. No how. Not going to happen. I will go on a killing spree if that happens and I know who will be my first murder victim. Him - that treacherous asshole...

Owh well. Life goes on. I am happier now with the company I have... and most of all, with Aqeem who tends to get freaked out to see me getting a wee bit too emotionally unstable.

Thanks!

Shameless

I opened up my Friendster this morning and saw something really sickening and annoying. Not only that, it made me think. Why are kids these days so... shameless and cruel?

They make other people believe that they love them but at the end of the day, they break up. They ending up toying with the other person's heart. I hate it. My heart was toyed with in the past. All because of a bastard who didn't want to change for the better..

Anyway, if it was a guy, it wouldn't be so bad but I hate to see a girl touing with a guy's heart. It shows that the girl is a slut. I also hate seeing a person who can't seem to stay in one relationship for a few weeks and then break up... then get into another with another. Damn. It is sickening.

Owh well.. People like that will never last in their married life. Perhaps.

Random Deliria From Friendster

: name a person that you instantly smile when you see they're calling
? Aqeem. HEHE!
.
:: are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?
? quite.
.
:: do people ever think you're older/younger than you actually are?
? YOUNGER! Hehe!
.
:: would you like to fall in love in the next few months?
? i am in love now. hope i will be in love till the end of time :) with Aqeem
.
:: if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
? HE TOLD ME! :D
.
:: have you ever liked someone way older than you?
? most of the guys older than me are often too immature. so. forget it.
.
:: if you had a baby with the last person you texted, what would the baby's last name be?
? (name) bin/binti M******* N** Hakeem :)
.
:: have you talked to the person you like today?
? yeap :)
.
:: what are you listening to?
? We Could Be In Love by Lea Salonga and Brad Kane :D
.
:: who's the last person to make you laugh?
? Aqeem. as usual
.
:: last thing you ate?
? prawn crackers
.
:: how many people are you texting today?
? now. only Aqeem :)
.
:: will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
? dont think so :D
.
:: who was the last friend you were chillin' with?
? Aqeem. Anip. Amy. Baby
.
:: who's the last person you saw in person?
? my elder sister
.
:: what is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
? Sunquick :)
.
:: what's the reason behind your friendster display name?
? Death Prophet? :D hehehe.. the original owner of this name was rejected by Ms Gothique Death some 3 years ago.. now, apparently, Gothique Death and Death Prophet got together. hehe. he saved her just as she saved him. aww... love story! hehe! i cant believe he waited for me for 3 years... hehehe! wo ai ni, Aqeem!
.
:: could you ever forgive a cheater?
? MY ANSWER WOULD BE A BIG FAT NO! I NEVER FORGIVE A CHEATER. I AM UNISLAMIC WHERE FORGIVING CHEATERS ARE CONCERNED! IF HE COULD CHEAT ME ONCE, HE COULD CHEAT ME TWICE. IF HE COULD CHEAT ME TWICE, WHAT MORE THRICE? So, the b*stard deserved what he got! get it?
.
:: do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you're sure they won't tell?
? yeah
.
:: how old do you want to be when you get engaged?
? not sure yet.
.
:: if your most recent ex said they hate you, you say…
? say, "i am not the b*stard who cheated on you or used you. i should hate you... what rights do you have to hate me? you were the b*stard who hurt me!"
.
:: are you any good at math?
? i wish. haha!
.
:: have you ever liked someone who had a boyfriend/girlfriend?
? NOPE. I AM NOT DESPERATE! LIKE SOMEONE I KNOW.
.
:: are you threatened by another girl/boy when it comes to who you like?
? eheheh.. i do feel threatened by another girl when it comes to Aqeem. HEHE! i know how he is like with me but i still want to remain safe. correct?
.
:: good day?
? not really.
.
:: is there anyone trust you who you shouldn't?
? ABSOLUTELY. but i like telling them. because they tend to bring up the story to people they should bring it up to. muahaha! i love my life.
.
:: where is your number two on your top right now?
? in her room.
.
:: is there someone you can't stop thinking about?
? yes and he is Aqeem.
.
:: do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
? I F*CKING LOVE HIM! HE WAS THE BEST F*CKING THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN MY F*CKING LIFE! HEHE!
.
:: whats on your mind?
? Aqeem. AS USUAL!
.
:: how is your life?
? tolerable. seriously..
.
:: were you happy when you woke up today?
? yeah! :D
.
:: what did you last you get upset about?
? something that happened today
.
:: do you have a crush?
? nope
.
:: does it make you happy to get letters in the mail?
? NO! HEHE!
.
:: kiss on the first date?
? YES. on the cheeks :)
.
:: how many of your friends have seen you naked?
? NIL
.
:: who was the last person you sat next to?
? Nuril.
.
:: is your bedroom window open?
? nope
.
:: who is your favorite person to have a serious conversation with?
? Aqeem and Bob.
.
:: describe what you're wearing in detail?
? short shorts. comfortable tee shirt :D
.
:: do you remember the person you first kissed?
? hehehe. yeah!
.
:: have you ever kissed someone you didn't like?
? no but... i've kissed someone i regret being together with! SERIOUSLY!
.
:: what time did you get up today?
? pretty early but went back to sleep till 8.30 am! :D
.
:: have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
? YES. but glad it happened!
.
:: kisses or hugs?
? both ;)
.
:: have you been heartbroken?
? ALWAYS.
.
::who was the last person you hugged?
? Aqeem :D
.
:: is your mother happy with you right now?
? seriously. honestly. hope so.

Deadly Sin

I know what my deadly sin ARE... Wrath and Pride... When I think about it... always recalling the memory of what that M did to me in the past. Well. He wrecked my pride and that was his mistake actually.

I know wrath often led to hatred and vengeance but I managed to let my wrath affect my wrecked pride. Owh well. Once a bastard. Always a bastard.

On second thoughts...

Birthday: 4/3/1984
Color: Amber
Adjectives: daring, enterprising
Strengths: Knowledge, Compassion
Humor: Campy
Career: Fashion
Personality: Passionate and proud - you stand very firmly on issues you truly believe in. Unrelentless and driven - you are willing to work very hard when you have to. While not an angry person by nature, you can be hot-tempered when things aren't going your way.

Found that in my Facebook! :D Owh and this one...

What spiritual power do you posess?

RESULT: Darkness
You hate everything that doesn't directly help you. you have too much of a power greed and hate everyone that isn't as powerful as you and you hate people more powerful than you even more. Your very sluggish with your power and very unfocused. The only time you acually use this power to a full is when someone else seems more violent and evil than you are. You will always be a slave to your own will.

Sounds a wee bit like me. My heart is full of darkness. I don't look like the hateful kind of person but I do a lot of hating where people who step on the wrong toe is concerned. Owh well. Hehe!

Aku Ada Karena Kau Ada (Radja)

Cinta adalah anugerah yang Kuasa
Sang bila terasa betapa indahnya
Sungguh lemah diriku
Tak berarti hidupku
Bila tak ada dirimu

Andai ku bisa akan ku balas
Semua yg pernah engkau berikan
Terima kasih dariku
Atas ketulusanmu
Menyayangi diriku

Aku ada karena kau pun ada
Dengan cinta
Kau buat diriku hidup selamanya

Aku ada karena kau pun ada
Dengan cinta
Kau buat diriku hidup selamanya

Andai ku bisa akan ku balas
Semua yang pernah engkau berikan
Terima kasih dariku
Atas ketulusanmu
Menyayangi diriku

Current theme song with Akim. I really love this song. It is beautiful. Whenever he karaoke this song, sure he have to stop half way. Hehe!

Tag, You're It! :D

I am a Tag Victim! :D

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
::: i used to be uselessly optimistic, hoping that the b*stard would change. but. he never did. so. now, i would not react like how i used to :::

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
::: to get pure happiness. nothing else could make me happier than that. seriously. :::

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
::: may people :) seriously :::

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
::: achieve a few dreams first. sponsor people who needs the money. save. :::

5. Will you fall in love with your bestfriend?
::: i'd feel lesbian. seriously. :::

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
::: when the feelings are mutual :::

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
::: honestly. for as long as time could possiblity teach me to be patient :::

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
::: let go. LET GO!! :::

9. What do you pray each day for your loved one?
::: him to be save. always :::

10. What takes you down the fastest?
::: seriously. no idea. :::

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
::: hopefully. alive and successful. :::

12. What do you really want at the moment of responding to this tag?
::: Aqeem to be by my side. :::

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
::: hehehe! pretty unexpected. SERIOUSLY! :::

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
::: married but HAPPY :P :::

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
::: check for the time. text Aqeem. if Aqeem calls, answer his call :) ritual. :::

16. What’s the character must have in your partner?
::: LOYALTY :::

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
::: i never fall in love with two people simultaneously. honestly. :::

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?
::: i am the type who never forgives or forgets. but i have to let go of the vengeance. damnn! :::

19. Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?
::: depending on how the circumstances maybe :::

20. Would you leave your family behind just to chase your dreams?
::: yes. :::

Tagging:--

Leandra, Nabila, Kak Riyya, Serena.

Something Random.

Kak Sal had tagged me but I am so lazy to think early this morning. Will do it later :D

What's the best thing that happened to you?
+ one person:- Aqeem. why? in our relationship, we saved each other. i saved him from the things he used to do to destroy his body. and he saved me from letting something dangerous destroy mine. Aqeem is the best thing that had happened to me. if i had waited any longer, i think i would be suffering like mad. :-s Aqeem is the best thing to happen to me. I thank God that we met this year. he waited for 3 years. it wasnt easy for him. i rejected him but he waited. when God opened my heart to love again. Aqeem taught me things i needed to know about love. Thanks, Baby... thanks for being the sun and moon in my life. hehehe!

Yeap. Will explain more.

Later.

Cowardice

Wow, people who are envious of others often try to get someone back are often those who play sh*t. I mean, they are cowards!

Use black magic to make a person suffer. Wow, that is a good way to make a person suffer. Not. Only those with no balls or guts would do such sh*t!

Or to bind another person to another or to remain in pain, they also use black magic. Ain't that stupid? I hope the person who does such thing will die. You are given such powers to help, not to hurt.

Fucker.

SINCERITY, LOYALTY AND BROTHERHOOD: THE TRUE MEANING

Honestly, I STILL like PGX's motto:-

[SINCERITY, LOYALTY AND BROTHERHOOD]

But does SOME people actually know the meaning? I wish I could apply that motto to EVERYONE who needs knocking on their bloody heads..

Take that tattoo needle and tattoo their body! "DO YOU KNOW THE MEANING OF SINCERITY, LOYALTY AND BROTHERHOOD?"

Lately, I found friends who are SINCERE, LOYAL AND HAS BROTHERHOOD. Yet, these are the people whom people bad talk about... With them, I applied PGX's motto and I see those in them. How they treat me or Aqeem for that matter. When either Aqeem or I have a problem, they came running. That is how we want to treat them back. It is only fair.

So, ladies and gentlemen, before you talk about someone or a group, LEARN about them first. No one is flawless. Nothing is perfect. Who are you to think that you are?

No use for you to instigate me about Aqeem or his friends. You don't know them, don't talk about them. I see what you don't see. I am not the youngest among them but from how I look at it, they treat me like I am the youngest.

So, who are you to instigate me about them? Who are you to tell me that they are no good when you are just as bad? Who are you to tell me that they have no sincerity, loyalty and brotherhood?

Look into the mirror and answer this question:- "Who is the human talking through his or her nose...?" You will find the answer on your own :)

Things I See That People Don't See

I know a betrayal when I see one. I know a change when I see one. I know certain things many people don't see.. People are blind but they think I am blind when I can foresee things. Adeeb was right. I should put my clairvoyant to good use. Fuck.

If anything happen before my eyes, and I don't like it... if it involves someone I know and hate, that will be the end of that person. I will HATE and continue to HATE.

I noticed. Lately, I have been hating alot. Why have I been hating alot? The things that people do. They mindless and thoughtless things people do. They can go to Hell. I don't give a damn but don't slander or instigate.

Now, I know the true meaning to being sincere, loyal and real brotherhood. Those saying things about it don't know the meaning. Those talking bad about my 'brothers' and 'sisters' don't know what they mean and what they are in for. They don't know how we all stick together. Just by ONE text, they will come running. If they can't help it, they will text back. Giving solutions. Those are REAL BROTHERS and SISTERS.

Unlike SOME people. Even as a clan they can still backstab, instigate and lie about each other. Sad. Yet. Damn true.

Letting Hatred Conquer My Mind and Soul

That asshole! That mother fucking asshole! No wonder he was so mother fucking confident that he will pay the other party by the 22nd. It is already the 21st. No sound from him. Stupid fucktard!

I know he is running away from all of us but IF we report to the police, no matter how far or where he is... he WILL get caught.

IF that is the decision he wants, SO BE IT!!

It makes me wonder, where the fuck are his balls? Did his wife suck it till it disappear or something? Did she bite it off or something?

That bastard is a mother fucking coward. He thinks RUNNING AWAY is a good option? He better not think so. He BETTER BE AFRAID...

Asshole that he is. Coward that he is. He ought to be dead.

Sorry for the font size. I am feeling so angry. Go ahead, tell him what I called him. He DESERVED it. Why? He is being a coward. Bloody hell... I hope God punishes him.

Owh, as it is God IS already punishing that asshole. Serves him right. He deserves it. I hope he will learn his lessong. Yeah yeah... Like he will. That asshole is not very good at learning his lesson. Really.

Se7en Things

Tagged by Madam Mbeekkk

7 things

7 characteristics of your dream partner

(1) has the ability to make me smile (no matter what my mood is, he can bring back my smile)
(2) multilingual (I enjoy hearing people talking in other languages)
(3) honest (figures!)
(4) love me for me (at least I know he is honest with me)
(5) mature (at least can tell me what to do or what not to do)
(6) has the ability to lead (you don't expect a girl to lead a household?)
(7) caring (figures! :D)

7 crushes

(1) Lil Qeem (figures)
(2) Fernando Torres (hehe!)
(3) Stephen Gately (damn, he's as GAY as ...)
(4) Jared Leto (voice. face! Aww~)
(5) Sean Connery (sad but he is old enough to be my grandfather or father)
(6) Brad Pitt (eyes! :D)
(7) Justin Long (cute...)

7 feelings if you're out with your crush (guess it means when u're out on a date)

(1) wanted
(2) happy
(3) contented
(4) loved
(5) bubbly
(6) flushed
(7) myself (I can be myself when I am with him)

7 places you would like to go with your partner

(1) Egypt (cruise on the Nile sounds great)
(2) The Carribeans
(3) The United States
(4) Arabia
(5) Ireland
(6) ... ask him
(7) ... ask him

7 things you would buy for your partner

(1) accesories for his bike
(2) a nice grungy shirt
(3) Spongebob boxers (hehe, as a joke)
(4) a Victorinox Swiss Army Knife
(5) ...
(6) ...
(7) ...

:: I can't think of anything else useful for him ::

7 songs you would sing to your partner

(1) Tercipta Untukku (Ungu)
(2) Best In Me (Blue)
(3) Sempurna (Andra and the Backbone)
(4) Bleeding Love (Leona Lewis)
(5) Can't Smile Without You (Barry Manilow)
(6) Thank You For Loving Me (Bon Jovi)
(7) My Heart (Acha and Irwansyah) - our first duet song together :)

7 next tagged victims~

Kak Riyya. Della. Leandra. Serena. Nabila.

(sorry, can only provide 5) :(


Have fun!

Wonderings

I did a questionaire in Friendster (like I always do...) And one of the questions asked was...

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
+ Often, I would say nothing. Now... I say, I would have given Death Prophet my phone number. How would life be if I had met Aqeem earlier? How would life be if Aqeem and I had been in contact since 2005? Damnn. Instead, I rejected him. I was too in love with an ungrateful person. Seriously. It does make me wonder. How would it be if Aqeem and I had been friends... would September 4th happen? Would I suffer when I was abused by someone? Yet, honestly, I am glad everything happened. God is great. The world is small... and honestly, PGX made it smaller... if wasn't for PGX and me forcing Death Prophet to join PGX, I wouldn't have met Aqeem. No, wait. Aqeem wouldn't have waited for me. Yet, if I had given him my number, I would have rescued him. I would have been his Saviour like how he have been mine this year. Aqeem is the BEST thing that had happened to me. He really have been the best thing to happen to me since I lost Mak Munah. He is my Angel In Disguise. Hehe! Thanks, By.

When I think about it, I should have given him my number but I didn't want to risk getting scolded by M. I didn't want him to think I was a girl who was boy crazy. I wanted to take care of his heart... Has M ever took care of mine? Never. He was selfish. I had to take care of his feelings. He locked me up in a cage when he was free like a bird. He never told me anything about his whereabouts and so forth. He often got angry with me for something I didn't do or know about. It wasn't fair. There was no compromise.

Makes me wonder how is M going to survive with his wife? After hearing the story from Lissa (name changed for her protection), I know she is a SHAMELESS type. When there are people in the house... people other than your future family, you don't tell your BOYFRIEND to actually shower with you. Slut. Even if you were married already by then. You don't tell your husband to shower with you when there are company in the house!

I am SUPER HAPPY that I found Aqeem. He showed me what M never showed me. The ugly truth about Kuching. The beauty of how it feels to be in love. Showing me appreciation was the best thing Aqeem did for me.

I don't need his money. I don't need his property. All I need is his love. There is nothing else in the world I want more than his love. I just want him to be there for me when I needed him the most. I just want him to love me for me not for anything else.

He is stronger than M. What people say about me and him, he ignores. He doesn't listen to them. Their lies and instigation. He is BETTER than M in many ways. Owh well.

I still wonder but I am still glad I walked out of M's life because I know that his main purpose in this game was to make me fall hard on my face but... it ended up the other way around :D

High Dowry (as posted in my Facebook note)

Today at 12:17pm, I noted:

I am watching TV3 (Wanita Hari Ini) now and the topic seems interesting, "Hantaran Tinggi... Bahagiakah perkahwinan?" (High Dowry... Will The Marriage Be a Happy One?).

I have friends (including an ex-boyfriend) who are going to get married this year. Most of them, complain about HIGH DOWRY. Demands for high dowry.

I mean, seriously, what is the point in getting married with a high dowry? Question is, will the marriage last? In the Malay society, a dowry is necessary but then nowadays, as I noticed, people demand no less RM10,000. JUST FOR THE DOWRY ALONE.

Someone I know, his future wife demanded RM7,000 just for JEWELRY ALONE (Della, correct me if I am wrong). That girl's family demanded quite a lot on dowry. I have been watching this situation since he told Della and I about his problem with that girl. When they were dating, she was a good girl. When they got engaged, she showed her true colours. He was offered jobs outside Malaysia with a big pay and she told him NOT to go.

The reason why he wanted the job is because of their wedding. He needed money for their wedding. She told him NOT to go and yet HER family and she herself demands nothing less than RM10,000 in dowry and nothing less than RM5,000 for jewelry. How do you expect the poor guy to come up with the money?

Gosh. So. Let's talk about this here. Comment here. What are your views on HIGH DOWRY? Maybe, some marriage will be worth the high dowry but some? Would you think it is worth it? Argue. :)

Sounds like a question paper~! xD

* * * * *

In case some of you who doesn't know the purpose of a dowry in Islam, read on here...

Islam has legislated the giving of the dower by the husband to the wife in order to make the woman’s heart pleased and to honor her. It is also meant to bring an end to what was done in the Days of Ignorance wherein she was wronged, exploited, despised and robbed of her wealth. The dower is a right exclusively for the wife. It is her possession and none of her guardians or relatives share any part of it. No one has any power over her concerning how she wishes to dispose of it, as long as she does so in a legally acceptable manner. She may give it away as a gift, she may lend it to others or she may give it in charity or do any other permissible acts she wishes with it.

The dower was instituted because the goal of marriage is not the actual act (of the marriage contract in) itself. In fact, the actual purpose of marriage cannot be achieved unless the spouses stay in a state of marriage. However, that may not be achieved unless the dower is an obligation at the time of the marriage contract itself. In this case, when there come times that may lead the man to divorce his wife, such as estrangement or coarse behavior, the husband would not be willing to divorce his wife due to just the slightest act of rudeness that occurs. If it were not for the dower that was required due to the contract itself, it would be very easy for him to leave her.

Therefore, the goals of marriage would not be met as the goals and benefits of marriage are only met when the two are in accord and agreement with one another but that accord will not come about unless the women is something honored and special to the husband. But such honor will not come about unless he had to give up something important to him. This is because what is most difficult to achieve is most special to the person. Therefore, if the wife is not something special in the eyes of the husband, then he will dispose of her at the first sign of unhappiness, the accord will not occur and the purposes of marriage will not be achieved.

What we see happening in some European countries – in fact, in some Muslim countries – is very strange indeed. This is where the woman is required to furnish a dowry or provide the furniture for their future house. This is definitely turning the natural order of things upside down and goes against the nature of mankind. It leads to a great deal of social ills and behavioral harm. It is a means by which the woman is despised and belittled. Indeed, she is ruined because of it. If the woman is not able to gather enough wealth together for marriage, she will not be able to get married and, instead, will have boyfriends and affairs and other evil results.

Such a practice contains a great deal of evil and harm for the society; this practice may even bring about society’s end soon. There is a great difference between the case where the woman feels that she and what she possesses belong to her husband and where she feels that she is something desired and honored, as the fiance spends money on her and gives her presents and so on to get her as his wife.

One regrettable aspect of dowry-giving in recent times is that it is becoming more and more a matter of ostentation. Nothing could be more un-Islamic in motivation than this. Even the practice of performing a marriage quietly, without any flamboyant display of wealth, but subsequently giving a lavish dowry to enable the bride to set up her home is contrary to Islamic practice. It was certainly not the 'Sunnah' of the Prophet. Fatimah was his favorite daughter, but he neither gave her a lavish dowry nor did he send things to her home after the wedding. Even when Fatimah made a request to him for something of a material nature, he only gave her the benefit of his counsel.

REFERENCE: Islam on Dowry

Inspired Words + Other Things

We're just dolls. We don't have a clue what's really going down, we just kid ourselves that we're in control of our lives while a paper's thickness away things that would drive us mad if we thought about them for too long play with us, and move us around from room to room, and put us away at night when they're tired, or bored.

We have seen stranger things in dreams; and fictions are merely frozen dreams, linked images with some semblance of structure. They are not to be trusted, no more than the people who create them

Dream the world. Not this pallid shadow of reality. Dream the world the way it truly is.

It is a fool's prerogative to utter truths that no one else will speak

Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot.

Just a few quotes I like~ All from Neil Gaiman's Sandman.

Yesterday, I saw what Aqeem's capable of. Oh. My. God. When he gets pissed, he does get pissed. It is not easy to calm him down when he is angry at something or someone. He is the real deal. His anger is worse than any I've seen. His wrath leaves me speechless.

Hmm. I think it was right of anyone in their right minds to actually not mess with him. Or me for that matter. He will go all out to kill that person. Oh my God... Hmm... I have no more say about that bit.

FUCK! I FOUND SOMETHING INTERESTING! :D

21 Things About Guys that Girls Don't Notice

1) Guys may be flirting around all day, but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about...

2) Guys are more emotional then you think, if they loved you at one point, it'll take them a lot longer then you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they arent with u

3) Guys go crazy over a girl's smile

4) A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

5) Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?..uh...never mind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking .And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

6) If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him............You don't need to give advice

7) A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you

8) GUYS LOVE YOU MORE THEN YOU LOVE THEM!!!

9) Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. They rarely use beautiful or gorgeous. If a guy uses that, he loves you or likes you a whole heck of a lot.

10) If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with you

11) If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back,he's probably faking it and he is really thinking about something

12) When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that

13) When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me"

14) If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

15) When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something

16) Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them

17) A guy would give the world to be able to read a girl's mind for a day

18) No guys cant handle all his problems on his own He's just too stubborn to admit it

19) NOT ALL GUYS ARE RUDE!!! Just because ONE is RUDE doesn't mean he represents ALL of them

20) WHEN A GUY SACRIFICES HIS SLEEP AND HEALTH JUST TO TALK TO YOU, HE REALLY LIKES YOU AND WANTS TO BE WITH YOU AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

21) Even if you dump a guy months ago and he loved you he probably still does and if he had one wish it would be you to come back into his life

I love the last point. Hehe! Reminds me of something... Owh well.

Food For Thoughts : Deserving Something

"I've made mistakes in my life... I've let people take advantage of me and I've expected way less than what I deserve. But, I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry. I know better next time and won't settle for anything less than what I deserve."

Something Sensitive : Racial Issues

Honestly, I am so much against RACISM. I hate racists. They deserve to die. Seriously deserve to die. Let me begin.

I come from a multiracial family. This means, I have Malay, Chinese, Iban, Bidayuh, Melanau and so forth relatives. We have even got families in Norway! (Hello, Mowes!) One of my Norweigen cousins are even married to a Jew!

So, who am I to be a racist? I respect them if they respect me. I want to learn their culture beause when they were here, they were willing to learn mine... What exactly is a racist? Well, a racist is a person who discriminate other races other than their own race. They don't go outside their own circle of races. They remain within the walls of their circle.

That is very unhealthy.

I remember when I was in school, I was discriminated because I wasn't MALAY enough. What the hell? Why was I being looked down on just because I wasn't Malay enough? Or the fact, I wasn't able to speak Chinese? Is it fair for us? Those half-breeds?

But, I know why people looked down on the Malays.

My answer is simple. The Malays are actually rather selfish. They think that just because the priority of the country goes to them from the government, yet they behave as if they are dominant. I cannot stand it. They are using their priorities as something as an advantage. Why can't they be humble? One thing about the Malays that I hate most is, they like to fight among themselves. They like having wars among themselves.

And when I think about it... they fight over STUPID PATTY things. Seriously childish things. They are the people whom the government give priority to, yet they are the ones going AGAINST the government.

I sound anti-Malay, huh? I am not. I am a Malay but I am not very proud of it. The Malays are the ones causing a lot of problems to our country. They want to claim that they are not racist. They are the most racist of all the racial groups.

They go overseas to study. They don't hang out with other races but their own. Do you think you could IMPROVE your ENGLISH by doing that? They come back sounding as Malay as ever. So? Does that prove enough that the Malays are always within their own circle?

It makes me wonder, what is wrong in learning other people's culture? It is not like they won't respect you if you show them some respect... Sometimes, they fear that. They fear that people won't respect them. The situation is easy. You should show people respect in order to gain respect from them.

Some Malays also aren't open-minded enough to accept other religious views. Hey, I am a Malay and I have seen what is written in the bible. I've been to the Vatican City. I've been to a church service.

Did you know language can also be a racial issue? I HATE IT MOST WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, "Aiegh, speaking egh!" ("Whoa, speaking in English!") Look, what is wrong in speaking in another language other than your own? It is NOT wrong to learn other languages. It is NOT a sin. Where in the Holy Book says it is?

I think I should stop. I fear some NARROW-MINDED people might feel offended by this entry. Hey, if you've bit the chili, you deserve it. STOP BEING A RACIST!

Dreams

Dreams are weird. Yesterday afternoon when I was flat on my mattress, I had this unpleasant dream. Thank God, I cannot remember my dream to save my life.

I just woke up from a weird dream. I dreamt that there was an aquarium in Kuching and someone sabotaged the place by cracking the glass of an underground aquarium... When I went into that place, to rescue 3 of Nuril's friends, I saw this shark charging at me. I remember jumping onto a high place and the shark waited. Before that, I specifically told Nuril to get some warm water ready and gave money to Nabila to get food.

I woke up to not know what happened next.

Sometimes, my dreams are scary. It tends to come true. If it was a rational or logical dream. It will come true. Owh well.

Hope some of my dreams do come true :)

Athena: The Littlest Princess

Athena was born on September 26th 2008 (same birthday as my youngest sister)... Today, I have been watching her since morning. On off, actually.

It got me thinking, having Athena is actually the nicest thing to happen in this house. She is also the reason why we wake up early every morning.

She is the reason why I smile every morning before I go out. She made our house somewhat 'colourful'.

I will blog more later. I am kinda distracted by other stuff now. Adieu!

Bad Feeling Lurking Within

I have to admit something. I have bad feelings about everything since I got into a relationship with Akim. No. Since I was in a relationship with him, I was okay, until I declared it to certain people.

The instigating; "I know you can't forget M... You will never forget M...". The controversies over a little picture... Figures.

What the fuck? I hate it.

Of course I can forget M. If I can't, I wouldn't be in love with Akim now, right? If you are jealous, just admit it. Don't go around instigating me about him. Or making big hu hahs. I am tired. Jaded. Don't make me lose my patience. I am not a slut. I am NOT cheap like some of the girls M had affairs with. I don't sleep around the way they do.

Damn. I got hooked. Haha! CLICK HERE. Play M.A.S.H! Hehe!

Anyway, I really hate people who tend to get jealous with my happiness. Am I not allowed to be happy? Am I supposed to be miserable all the time? Why am I surrounded by hypocrites? Why am I surrounded by envious people? I don't get it. I wish they would just DEAL with it. M is married to that girl, whom they claim to be unfriendly, she was blessed and accepted by the family. Good! I wish her luck and I pity her. Hope she can survive.

I have been thinking a lot lately. Yet, I still don't get it why people tend to be envious of my happiness..? Why must they try to kill me? Why must they try to destroy me? Hadn't they thought about this:- they had caused me enough damage. They look like as if they pretend to side me but I know, they are trying to destroy me.

Human. What to do? Let time determine... I am only human. Can't do anything.

The Perfect Blend

I got tagged again! :D

pineapple + chicken = the perfect pizza (Hawaiian pizza always makes me happy)

speed + wind in my hair = the perfect adrenaline rush

clouds + camera = the perfect image

jokes + laughter = the perfect situation with loved ones

red + black = the perfect colour combination

ice cream + whip cream = the perfect mood improver

Lilo + Stitch = perfect entertaining duo (AGREED, Kak Riyya)

Liverpool matches + Jaja = the perfect screaming sessions

slanders + Jaja = the perfect way to make her HATE you

Ebonite Tornado + black rubber sole shoes = the perfect bowling equipments

music + cold bedrooms = the perfect relaxing situation

rock music + car = the perfect idea of cruising around

Slut + M = the perfect reason to hate

Della + Jaja = the perfect dynamic duo

Juliana + Jaja = the perfect Pop Wave duo

raspberry + cream = the perfect ice cream

Jaja + M = the perfect HATE story

Blaupunkt + great music = the perfect boombox

Kuching North + Kuching South = the PERFECT hometown :D

Akim + speaking in Chinese = the perfect thing to smile at :D

Jaja + Chinese food = the perfect stomach satisfaction

Jaja + backstabbed = the perfect hate trigger

Jaja + travel journal + overseas = the perfect chance of sharing experience

Akim + Ijan + Jay + Jaja = the perfect laughing session

Jaja + Akim = the perfect time together :)

October + 24th = the perfect date ;)

What are some of your 'perfect' blends?
I'm going to tag these people and find out their 'perfect' blends.


Della, Adeeb, Nabila, Leandra, Serena

More Thinking

I slept the whole afternoon. When I woke up, my phone was ringing. It was Akim's Mum. Well. Apparently, I am accepted. I am glad.

Again, I also thought about... what Akim said about having a scandal. He said what is the point on having a scandal when you can't hardly take care of ONE person, which is true.. Once the cat is out of the bag, it gets dirty. Only MINDLESS people think about having scandals... I am just repeating what he said.

And about God bringing me to him was something great. I now remembered. He was the guy I rejected in giving my phone number to in PGX. Ever since, that guy NEVER sent me a PM. What to do? I was too loyal to a dumbass, who eventually CHEATED on me..

God is great. Which resorts me to something else...

Sometimes, God:-

Breaks our spirit to save our soul. Breaks our heart to make us whole. Allows pain so we can be stronger. Sends failure so we can be humble. Allows illness so we can take better care of ourselves. Takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything he gave us...

Yeap. That is the thing I believe in now. Since I met Akim, there have been slopes but Akim makes sure that I know that there are people who love me.

Thanks, Baby..

Burying the Past

Friends... hard to find REAL friends. But when you THINK you found them, at the end of the day, they ditch you for something else.

Not going to blog about it. Some conceited party might think this blog entry is about them since the chili was too hot for them to handle lately.

I was thinking on the conversation I had with Akim today. He is the real deal. Why? How? Well, simple. He has a mindset. He can decide things for himself. When he wants something good to be done, it will be done. Without a word. UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE...

Anyway, I was taken aback by someone today. It seems like that particular someone isn't like how she used to be... people. They change. Owh well. What to do? Because of something, people tend to forget who their friends are. They tend to forget that their new friends might be using them. They tend to forget that that their new friends don't know them or appreciate them the way we do.

Hope that someone learns a lesson...

The other thing is, I realised that M had never really loved me. I had done a lot of thinking today. I may had laughed when I was hanging out with Akim but, when I manage to have some quiet time on my own, I realised that, M was never in love with me. He was in love with what I had. He was never honest with me.

Fuck.

If he had truly loved me... he would have listened to me or changed to be a better person for me. Instead, being the fucktard that he is, he didn't and couldn't be bothered. I don't care if ANYONE (may God have MERCY upon their envious deceitful souls) were to tell M that I have been badmouthing about him on my blog or wherever... It is all TRUTH. M was the worsT thing that had happened to me. He was the biggest lie of my life. He was more than a lie... he was bullshit as far as I am concerned. I may sound cruel but, as cruel as I may sound, M deserves to die. He lied to me. He cheated on me. He used me.

Not just me but other people. I don't get it. How can a guy be so desperate? So deprived? Till he went to the extend of making a girl (just as desperate or deprived as him) pregnant. I am NOT upset but I am sorry for her and their child.

No matter what, that child will be an illegitimate child. Even if they did get married. That child will ALWAYS be illegitimate. Have they no pride or self-respect? Gosh. Have they no shame for that matter? Or guilt for the child? Or pity for the child? Fucking hell. I wish I could kill that idiot for his sins towards his unborn child. It feels like ABUSE... Seriously.

His family thinks, because of Akim, I changed to be what I am today. They are fucking wrong. Before they could blame Akim, I wish I could tell them to look at M... I changed because of HIM. He abused me enough to make me change to be who I am today. Are they trying to convey that M was a good match for me? Are they trying to say that M was the best thing for me? They are FUCKING wrong. M was the WORST thing that happened to me.

M was the reason why I have a mother fucking scar on my mother fucking arm. M was the reason why I don't really spend time with my family and the reason why I was often so angry with everyone. M was also the main reason why I hated myself and never forgave myself for anything.

When Akim came into my life. It changed. He gave me a whole new perspective of life. Apparently, there is SOMEONE who is willing to change for me. There is someone who is willing to wait for me, with hope that I will come to him (which I did). So, who is M's family and friends to actually say that Akim was the one who made changed me to be what I am now? At least, Akim taught me to apologise, forgive and forget. Not keep quiet and pretend like NOTHING happened. Akim taught me a lot of things for my own goods. Akim. Makes me feel like a human being. He gives me the freedom I deserve... as long as I was honest with him, he is okay. M never gave me the freedom I needed or respected my friends for that matter.

I compare Akim and M. Two different treatments. I laugh more when I am with Akim. It's been almost 3 weeks since we've been dating. All I ever did was laugh.

Who the hell are anyone to tell me or to remind me of Akim's past? At least I see him changing before my eyes. He proves to me that he loves me. He shows his affection. Most of all, we both have fun and we both give and take. I appreciate Akim for all that.

I want to thank Jay and Ijan for everything. They are the ones who brought Akim and I together. They are the ones responsible for my smiles and laughter by bringing Akim, who've waited for me for 3 years, and I together.

I also must thank Akim for making my life whole again. For bringing back my smile again and most of all for bringing me along to the right path. I will not forget the day he made me apologise to my elder sister for a mistake I've done. The things he told me about respecting those older than me and apologising to them. I appreciate it.

With this, I hope to bury the past. Slowly. I will kill the past. My heart is healing. M's family may think I still love M, I DO NOT LOVE M FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME. In fact, I fucking HATE him now. I FUCKING HATE M FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME RECENTLY. I forgave him for the sins he did but I will NEVER forgive him for what he did to me recently.

One strand of hair off my head, Akim will be murderous. Trust me.

Bite Bite and Wowees!

Wow.

It is amazing how people can be sometimes. Some people won't drop it... It is understood that when you are excited for something that is HOT. You will stop at nothing to get it. Yet. It is always good to be doubtful. Uncertain.

Lessons shouldn't be taught this way but it is the most effective. I learnt a lot within this damn year where that f*cktard, M, is concerned. I know his true colours. He is desperate. I hope his friends know who the hell M is. I want him to lose all his friends. He deserves the life he got. That fraud. I am being evil. Why? M deserves it. I could let the law do everything for me. I can be cruel. No one knows who I am exactly. I may be EMO but I stand my ground. I have my own purpose. I hate it when people use my emo-ness as anything in attempt to kill me. I am one who will explode and when I do. Nothing but hatred will fill my soul.

LUCKILY, Aqeem is there to tell me, "Let it go. Forgive. Forget." But being a vengeful person like me. A person who doesn't let go easily, I let the hatred eat me. Hey, considering I hadn't spoke to Fiena for 7 years. Yes. I AM UNISLAMIC. Like SOME people are also? In that sense, I forget the meaning of being a Muslim. But at least, I don't CHEAT other people by selling other people's property.

On the BUYER'S part, what is wrong in being uncertain over that FRAUD? Why do you TRUST that person more when you know his interest IS NOT IN THAT FIELD? What is wrong in asking, "Where is the prove that YOU bought the thing? How am I sure that it is YOUR property? Please produce the resit and the warranty..." What is wrong in that? Damn that FRAUD... I wish I could use the law against him but I know, he will DIE of starvation to produce money to get legal help.

May his family be 'happy'. After all, I've seen KARMA happen in front of my eyes. So. If M has a deathwish, all I have to do is hope that KARMA will happen. Worse things are coming his way. I can feel it. And I know. I like it.

One more, after yesterday, I have to say, M better be careful before he touches one strain of my hair. He does not know what he is in for. M better not brag about being strong. He is not. I have seen him in the past wimping like a sick puppy when he was being looked for. I like Life. I love Life, sorry, Life is always screwed up but at the end of the day, I know WHO ARE MY REAL FRIENDS AND BACK UPS. M is NOT one of them.

Since the beginning, M is the one who has been trying to kill me. If anyone who is in love with that mother fucker, tell him about this entry. I don't care. He MADE me hate him... eventhough I forgave him after all the mistakes in the past... now. He remains the UNFORGIVEN. He deserves the hatred. BIG TIME.

People Who Do Not Know Of Their Fate

I don't get SOME people. They BEHAVE AS IF THEY are NOT in the wrong. You can brag about getting something new but why do YOU have to buy something that is secondhand? Wait. Let me rephrase that?

Buy something from someone who does not own the property? Why didn't YOU ask for the resit as prove? Stupid. So? Who is the stupid one now? Me or you? Bloody hell. You should just rot in Hell...

If you claim you could buy a NEW one, why bother buying a 2nd hand from a fraud?

Think about it.

Lil Qeem

Something happened yesterday which got me thinking all night last night and early this morning. As much as I try to not hate my life... I am thankful. I sound like I am angsty at everything even at the Big Guy... but if wasn't for Him, I would be here. After what Aqeem told me yesterday, I think... I should learn to be more grateful.

"There is one thing I want you to learn... I want you to learn how to forgive yourself and others. I want you to get rid of the flames of hatred..."

For starters, I am the person who doesn't get another person get away with murder easily. I am one who doesn't forgive or forget easily. Considering there is a cousin of mine whom I've not forgiven for 7 years. That bad.

When Aqeem came along, I find myself thinking. Aqeem has the ability to forgive easily though he won't let people go that easily if someone were to do something to me. I noticed he is very protective over me. We've only been together for about a week and he is making me feel very secure.

He had been worried over me since Sunday. After knowing about that case. I love him for that but I fear he would take matters into his own hands. Aqeem and Della have been in contact about me and I know his friends:- Jay, Bob and Ijan Pau - are also concerned about me. Ijan have known me for 4 years.

The thought that lingers in my mind now is... For me being a very hot-tempered and impatient and unforgiving (UnIslamic) person, God gave me Aqeem, who is very cool and patient and forgiving. Aqeem taught me alot of things including about the dirty side of Kuching. Kuching is actually a warzone. There are unseen wars around and he is the one to show me all that.

People may have talked bad about him but then they don't know him. I know him. His close friends know him. People only see the surface but they don't see who he is on the inside the way we do...

What upsets us both now is, the envious beings around us.. that is all. Just don't get him angry.

Bruised Heart. Mended Heart.

When I think about it, my love life in the past was just stupid. How did I tolerate M till I was willing to get beaten up badly in the heart? I closed the doors of my heart to everyone until I met D. I thought. D was the one who would open up my heart... I thought D was the one who would remove the eclipse.

I was wrong. He wasn't the person who would save me.

Until I met A.

Slowly, my heart opened the door slowly. I feared that my heart would be bruised again but slowly, and assurely, the doors opened. Lastly, I opened up to A.

ARGH!! I don't know what else to say except, this song is good for how I feel..

Fixing a Broken Heart (Indecent Obsession)

*nods* This song. Damn, I feel like crying now.

ARGH! MORE LATER!!

The Dirty Side of Jaja

Hi, I am Jasima Junaidi. I was born on March 4th 1984 at 9 am. I am 5 feet 5 inches and a bit on the chubby side.

People's first impression about me wil always be, "She is a bubbly girl." or "Jaja is so happy-go-lucky!". Well, that is on the outside. What is written on the inside, they don't know. What is Jaja powered with... what is really in Jaja's mind... no one knows but myself.

I may be a chatterbox on the outside, there is a reason why I chitter chatter non-stop. To avoid the real darkness that lurk within me. I admit, I am very emotional but when bitterness start sucking into me. That emo-ness will turn to hatred and I don't handle hatred or grudges nicely.

I am not exactly the right person to mess with considering with all the backup I have. I am not as nice as I try to be. Try messing with me like how M did. I have many people willing to pounce on him just to kill him but with me trying my best to keep things clean, I tell them, I am giving him a chance until a certain date. What will happen if I don't get what I want by that date? A war. I will make sure I hunt him down to the wormhole.. I don't let go easily. I hold grudges. Once I start hating, I won't stop. I will make sure his life is miserable enough for him to bear. I don't care. I am, after all, how my Father put it, very UnIslamic. I don't forgive and forget easily. I don't let go easily. Once you bruise my heart or leave a scar on my heart, that will be the end of it. Love will turn to hate. Hate will turn into vengeance.

I also believe in karma. I won't take things into action because I know what goes around, comes around. I have seen karma happen before my eyes. I have seen many things people don't expect me to see. I have seen it all to make me understand why people can screw their lives so badly. I have seen them suffered. I laughed. I cried. Watching all that.

Not everyone know what I am capable of when I am angry or upset about something. How I tend to hurt myself in order to avoid hurting other people. I throw tantrums easily when provoked. Quite honestly, I had even beaten up someone because of anger... And beaten up someone in order to defend myself from being abused by someone I thought who would take care of me.

I don't open up easily. People think I do but I don't. It takes time for me to open up. Why do you think my poems are often so angsty or so dark? That is how I express my feelings.

Yet. Want to know a secret? Want to make me hate you more and find ways to kill you silently and slowly? Try messing with my parents or sisters or close friends... that is the best way to start... I know where to get my backup. I know where to go. Or what to do.

I may look helpless but don't think that I am. I am not.

Weird.

It is weird that people cannot stand to see me happy again.

Just because M is miserable... doesn't mean they have to make me feel bad about it. In fact, I feel good. Why do I feel good?

I didn't stick my dick (if I had any) into another's pussy and got her pregnant... So?

YOUR LOST. NOT MINE!

M never loved me enough anyway to prove to me he would change for good OR listen to me for that matter.

Love Changes Everything...

Let me begin with a story.


He was a bad boy material. He did many things to spoil his body. He did many things which hurt others. He did many things which involves pain. Until he met her. The girl he waited for 3 years. The girl who persuaded him to join a certain organization 3 years before. He found out she was in a relationship and was devastated.


She was a girl locked in a Golden Cage by another boy. She cried rivers and oceans and drowned within her own tears every day with him. She got herself beaten up. Her lips torn. And her arm stitched up. All because of one boy who didnt seem to really care about her. She didn't believe in love though she told people she did.


Until. One day. They met for the first time. He was ashamed to meet her in such condition. He wasnt sobered. And she caught herself laughing again when she saw him. They eventually exchanged numbers. He contacted her the next day. They became somewhat close. Until he disappeared. She found herself getting worried. Was she already falling in love with him? She waited. She thought she lost her smile until one day, she decided to meet up with one of her friends (who was also friends with him). She found him again and was relieved to hear his voice.


The same day... They met up again at a karaoke centre. Whenever she started singing, he teased her. Making her laugh. She bullied him with songs which she knew that has some meaning to him and made him sing them. She realised she wanted to be with him. That night, she asked him to follow her to send her adopted brother back to his hostel about 20 km from the city center. He agreed to follow. She got to know him them.


They started texting again and he dropped a hint... "Actually, I had fallen in love with this girl but she is so socialised, has Chinese looks, and about my size. I love the way she treats me. I love the way she gets all childish with me... She opened my heart to fall in love again." But she thought it was about a girl online. She kept quiet. She just adviced him to be careful with girls where she is concerned.


Then AGAIN he disappeared. She got angry. She was upset. She called up two of his friends with hope that they knew where he would be, one of their friends, Jay asked while they were sitting at the table, "among us four, who will get married first?" and she asked back, "but Jay, there is only the three of us here!" Then Jay replied, "You, me, Eddy and Andrew..." She kept quiet and said, "As far as I am concerned, I am the only one single here, Jay!" she said cheekily as she sipped her drink. Eddy shook his head and said, "Andrew is too.
"

She caught herself looking down, blushing. He WAS single after all. She continued on with her life. She wondered where he was. His cellphone was unreachable. She wanted so bad to cry. She was worried about him.


After hanging out with Jay and Eddy, she moved on. Hoping he was okay. Then one day, as she was driving, a text message came in. It was from him. She was happy to see he was okay. They arranged to meet up again since her appointment with her best friend was late in the afternoon. She told him she needed to kill time and asked to meet up. When she saw him, a sign of relieve entered her soul. They hung out by the lake and talked about everything else. She saw his keychain and cheekily said, "If you are not careful, i would steal this thing." He smiled and told her that it is hers. She was shocked.


She realised she wasnt doing the tango alone. The person she thought who would be the Saviour wasnt the guy she had a crush on but it was him. He made he laugh. He made her happy again. That mattered to her.


Until, he took the chance to admit to her he had fallen in love with her... he never told her how he had waited for her. How painful it was for him to wait for her, knowing, debating with himself whether or not that she is the one he was going to spend his time with. When he asked, she was a bit shocked. But she agreed.


When he asked, he made a promise that he wont do what he used to do. He fell in love with her and he was willing to change. She, took her chances with him. He did all he could to change to be a better person. He did all he could to make her happy again, which is a success.


The moral of this story is:- if you truly love a person... you are willing to change for the better and take your chances. The person may not look good or have a good reputation but people can change. They can change for the person they love.


Chances should be given but it is safe to take chances twice. Make a person prove to you their love. Only then you can sit down and take things easy.


I believe in love. I believe that love changes everything. If one truly love someone else, they are willing to change. Once they are changed, that means true love. It is simple as that.

Della and My Fate

DEDICATED TO:- DELLA, RAY AND AKIM

I realised that the Dynamic Duo of Green Road have found the same thing last month except Della found hers earlier than me. Guys who appreciate us.

Della and I had been friends for 8 years now. She knows me well enough as much as I know her well enough.

And you know. We share the same fate.

Lately, we both had problems with guys. She and S, me and M. We were both in denial about them. Until. We both decided to give up on them. She met Ray first. I was happy. From the stories she told me about him, made me happy because he is the first of her boyfriends who tell her she is beautiful and truly appreciates her and was willing to let go of his ex for her though at the beginning of their friendship, he told her he was still waiting for his ex. Eventually, he let go. They both started a new chapter.

Della, to my opinion, was emotionally abused by S and recently, she found out that S had more then 2 other girls in his life. Yet, since Della had Ray in her life. I never hear her worry over him the way she worries over S. I hope Ray will take care of her. I am confident he will.

As for me. My problem with M was horrible. I was cheated on. I was lied to. I was abused, emotionally and physically (nothing big though). My heart closed until I met someone, who ditched me for whatever reason. Again, there was the eclipse of my heart. Along came this Fighting Cock. Everything changed. He taught me a lot of things. I appreciate him for that.

Della, you noticed, huh? We both have the same fate starting last month. Hehe! We both started a new chapter with someone who treats us like how we want to be treated. Hope it will last for a long time for both of us. Wait. All four of us.

Ok, I just got emo. I better stop.

Thoughts

Nothing much have been happening except what I don't like most is people bugging into my life when I never bug theirs. I know. It is all to save me but then please, my life is different now. I found someone who is willing to change just for me. Reduce smoking just because of my bronchitis. Or... talks to friends of mine who know me well enough to tell him what to do with me then scolds me for something wrong.

What is worse? Who is willing to spend money on me when he knows that I have my own. I may not really like that idea but then... it will kill him if I were to say 'no'. He is all out to love me. I should appreciate him. I should stop being selfish. I should stop thinking that no one loves me. He reminds me that I will ALWAYS have my family, friends and especially, him.

It was him who taught me to apologise to my elder sister when I quarreled with her because of M. I know if I were to get scoldings like that via text messages, I won't reply or just hit delete. But he was the one who told me to apologise and told me to explain what happened. He was the one who told me to be truthful. He was the one who told me, "even if you are right or wrong, just apologise because by apologising, you will make the heart soft and people will understand the situation more if you apologise." And it works. Seriously. It works.

Unlike my past ex, he won't know or say the same thing to me. I am not sure what else should I say about it. To think Akim waited for me for 3 years. Hey, endurance was all he had. It all started online! It is amazing how God works, huh?

Which reminds me, he ALWAYS gets upset with me when I say, "Why won't God finish me off now!" I didn't say all that to make him worry but when one is upset, you tend to say stupid things like that.

He filled my emptiness. He made my life completely. Most importantly, he makes me smile and had taught me a lot of things I should do with myself. Thank you, By. Thank you for being there for me.