It's the Fear

Honestly, I admit. Gracefully but shamefully.

I fell in love... with someone, whom may not see me as his type or whatever but the thing is I feel this sudden rush of nauseous feeling when I think about it.

I wish I could tell that person how I feel for him but I don't want to lose him as a friend.

It's the fear. What to do? Let it be now.

I also don't want him to think that I broke up with M because of him. That is not the reason. I needed to break free. Many people can tell him that they tried persuading me to leave M but... it was me being all optimistic. Stupid me.

Owh well. I lost my mood. The groove to be in a good mood. I lost it. How? Just by thinking about all this...

Clicking and my FaceDouble

Yesterday, Till (Kak Yong's German brother) arrived Kuching. He would be here till he feels like he wants to go back! So, we went out yesterday night.

Till and I clicked. I didn't think I would click with him. I recalled that German girl earlier this year. I tried to talk to her but nothing seem to happen. She didn't click with me but with this Orang Melayu Clorox (or so we call him) we clicked immediately.

He talks alot and about anything.

Okay, how is he an Orang Melayu Clorox? What happened last night when we were sitting at Little Lebanon. And Adeeb asked him, "Till why won't you eat?" And Till was all blur. Then someone asked, "Why won't you eat the fries?"

And what Till say? That boy! "Why didn't you just say MAKAN?"

I swear that boy is more Malaysian than German! Haha!

Hehe! I am being conceited now. Hehe! I don't think I want to say anything else. I love this application in Facebook! Haha! :P

Will blog later. My brain is still snoozing despite the sleep I had today! :D

Me.

I could knock out anytime. No. Not asleep knock out but ... brain knock out. I didn't sleep since last night. I had been on my feet since 11 am this morning.

So. Go figure. I need to relax now...

OH. MY. GOD!

Kadangkala aku rasa ingin luahkan segalanya
Rahsia yang tersimpan di dada sekian lama
Namun kelu terus membisu menatap wajahmu
Daku malu tapi tak mahu kehilanganmu

( 1 )
Ucapkanlah cinta
Ucapkan ku saja yang kau perlu setiap waktu
Sepanjang hayatmu
Ucapkan kau rindu
Daku yang kau mahu
Yang kau cari telah kau temui
Ku tidak tertahan lagi untuk ku mengaku cintamu

Dan kadangkala kita hanya sedar keindahannya
Apabila ia sudah tiada di depan mata
Tidak rela kulepaskan satu-satunya insan
Yang berikan ku segala makna kehidupan

( ulang 1 )

Andai daku kau terima lebih dari kawan biasa
Daku kan setia tak kubenarkan kau berairmata
Andai kau terima cintaku
Daku kan belaikan tanganmu
Di penghujung waktu kau dan aku di dunia

That is so MY song.

ANYWAY..........................

I cannot sleep. I... don't know what to say. I found another GUILTY PLEASURE. I didn't stop "oh my God"ing since just now. Now, I know how Serena felt 9 years ago! Damn, Girl, you made karma bite me!

Owh. My. GOD!















... what the hell happened to me? What did whatever made me this way, do to me? Owh. MY GOD! Haha! I can't stop!

I should be asleep but I am still drooling away!

OWH MY GOD!

Can't I stop? My eyes are watery now! HAHAHA! Don't ask! I am not crying because I am sad but I am......... EEEK!!

~*~ THE WORD WEAVER'S IMAGE CATCHING PROJECT ~*~

The reason why I started this little project is because, I believed...

They say that, a picture is worth a thousand words and words can make a thousand pictures.

Go figure.

Hope you enjoy my not-so-spectacular collection because I enjoyed coming up with this! :D

Too Late

M called me earlier today... wanting to meet me. Again. I gave an excuse. The thing is, I don't want to risk my heart being shattered by him again! I... cannot afford to feel the pain I endured for the longest time. Nope.

I won the battle. He apologised. I said, "okay..." but, I don't want to regret anymore. No more. Enough. I had enough. Seriously. I had enough. He apologised a bit too late. He realised his mistakes... yet, he was too late.

I cannot look at him the same way I used to. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't think I want to think about it. I know, I freed myself from my burden. I want to continue my studies. I want to forget the people around me (not all)...

Enough. I need to get out once in a while I want a peaceful state of mind. I want. Security. That is all. If M truly meant what he had said about being sorry? If he was as sad as he sounded when he called? I will give him more time but I will NOT accept him.

Bloody hell. What the fuck am I thinking?

Hey, I should remain strong. I should remain victorious. I better not surrender while I am victorious. SERIOUSLY!

Just thinking of all the hurt in the past makes me wonder. Damn. I am going to move forward now :) thanks to SOMEONE... who will never be or ever be.

I don't care. As long as I am alive...? That matters... and if the world do end in 2012? So be it. I checked the calendar, a disaster will happen... 21.12.12 and in the Quran, it is said that that the world will end on a Friday. I checked. It is a Friday. So, if the world ends by then, no more suffering made by OTHER people towards me or another human being... No more tears in this miserable world.

I am beginning to sound different.

Lots of reason why. Just don't bother asking because I am just wondering, what will happen tomorrow if today was a good and a bad day at the same time. It is called a SUDDEN MOOD SWING. Almost like sudden death but this is a mood swing. I was feeling great having a beautiful time of my life but now, it feels like nothing seem right. It all seems dark.

Owh well. LIFE. People tend to REGRET at the end of the day when they know they lose something that is VALUABLE in their lives the way M did! :)

*taunting away* I won a battle. I won a battle... and at the same time... did I win another? Or did I lose? I don't know. Seriously. I don't think I want to care. Just get out when I still can...

Yeap, that is all about it. I am hoping that KRU or someone I like would write a song about my miserable life. HAHAHA! Damn, I sound drunk, don't I? :D

Bitch!

Apparently, I have to repeat my studies. I thought I could continue where I left off with Queensland University of Technology (QUT)! That is the only thing that made me angry today. That BITCH told me I could continue and LUCKILY I went back to the College today and met Mr. Angrez. Apparently, I have to go on with University of London (UOL). I will have to do THREE YEARS in Kuching and 9 months (for my Certificate of Legal Practise Malaysia (CLP)) in Kuala Lumpur! By doing my CLP, I can do my practise anywhere in Malaysia!

Damn. I will have to repeat everything! Argh! It is okay, Tunku Abdul Rahman (first Prime Minister of Malaysia) took 23 years (!) to do his law. But, I am afraid to break the news though. I hate that woman. Apparently, I am not the only one. I intend to get back at her. The other day you told me that I can continue with QUT, now Mr. Angrez told me, it would be better if I do with UOL.

I am going for UOL, since I have my Sijil Tinggi Perperiksaan Malaysia (STPM) certificate to qualify and I passed all my papers for Form 6. Damn. I have to study my ass off now. I MUST achieve that dream. Not only for my future but for my Father. I don't want to disappoint him anymore. Enough.

Wish me luck.

Narcissism

I truly admire those girls who are 3 times bigger than me. They tend to be more confident than me.

Truly. I admire them! Haha! Owh well, I like to make sure I am confident with myself. Owh yeah, the reason why I started on with taking self-portraiture is because when I used to be with M, I was not allowed to post my pictures online. So, now, I don't give a damn. He can bitch and whine. I am happier without him. I've been ignoring his sms-es lately. Serves him right. He broke my heart. So? It is only fair if I treat him coldly.

Below is my latest picture. Believe it or not, I took this picture in the car. All I did was edit the picture to get such lighting. Haha! Thank you Photoshop CS3! :)

Actually, after that lighting course with Ted, I got deeper with photography... whether it was scenery or portraiture... I got in a bit too deep. I even experiment with my handphone and laptop as my light source. Haha! And it was that picture that caused a little controversy! Haha!

I can't help it if I was only experimenting or if I did gain a little confidence within myself. In a way, I am happier without M controlling me. I am not allowed to do anything where he was concerned... He locked me in a cage when he goes free. It is not fair. Really.

NOW. I don't give a damn. I can take pictures of whatever I want. I can take pictures of myself for all I care! I can go wherever WITHOUT him to distract me.

I can especially be like Narcissist... although I don't get too conceited about the way I look. I know I am not that good looking... if I was... gosh. I don't want to think about it. I am thankful with what I've got. As long as I am normal. I am okay and I thank God, I am not a 'giant'. Seriously.

Hm. On contrary to what the title says, I think I know why I feel so sick... not only due to the excitement yesterday but I would think that, I lack the rest I need. I have been sleeping late but waking up early... Lately, I have been waking up at 7 am. Or before 8 am. Free will. No alarm needed. I need enough sleep... but I can't... No matter how late I sleep nowadays, I will always wake up at 7 something!

I need more sleep. Don't I? Hm. I don't really care about myself. Why should I anyway? I don't think it matters anymore. As long as I keep myself on my feet, I would probably be fine.

I hope.

Hurt

I hate to feel hurt. It makes me feel so down. Plus with my fever. I think. Things got worse. Today alone...

I walked into two chairs in one morning. Nearly got involved in an accident. Walked into someone. Can't differentiate what is A and B.

That shows how bad my fever was today. I woke up feeling as if I was on a stove or something. My head was empty and like said, my brain was snoozing most of the time. I was also getting angry most of the time.

Considering there were so many stupid people driving on the road. If they are not driving slow on the fast lane, they are tailgating you on the slow lane.

What doest the title have to do with anything? I am feeling hurt because I hurt someone. I think I did... and I fear I might lose that someone's friendship. I hate it when I start falling hard for someone. Especially it is someone who've given me back what I wanted most... my smile... and my laughter. Meeting that person made me happy. It made my heart sing a happy tune.

I don't want him to think that because of him I let M go. I had been suffering for a year plus now. I just want to give up. I gave up until one day. I dreamt. About that someone who gave me back my smile... the person responsible for my happy song.

Yet... what hurts me now is, my fear that that someone, might not even want to talk to me anymore... So... I shall continue down my lonely path...

Fairytales?

I was reading my Friendster Blog... and there is an entry called, Fairytales. I started my blog with:-

A perfect life only exist in fairytales.
Enough said.
No life is perfect... it is all too good to be true.
If life was perfect, everything would be easier...
REALITY CHECK: NOTHING IS EASY IN LIFE!

*sighs*

Damn true. I wonder. Will I get home in one piece later? My eyes are failing me. Eek! I need to put my music out loud! Argh!

Outburst

When people say that outburst of emotions can make a person sick. I didn't believe. I believe it now. It happens and don't underestimate it. I didn't want to believe it. But then...

It happened.

Yesterday. A mixture of all positive emotions blended in one soul. I was so happy, so excited... But when it was bedtime, after a midnight cold shower, I woke up the next day feeling weak and tired.

Today. A total different mixture of feelings and emotions are blended into me. Most of the time I felt feverish. In one morning, I walked into TWO chairs. While driving, I knew my mind was sweeping off and as dangerous as this sounds, I kept on encroaching into other people's lane!

My brain is on snooze. As I type this now, my eyes are still heavy. Damn. You can fry an egg on my forehead... my chest hurts... and if I eat wrongly, I would end up vomitting everything out.

I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. GO. TO. THE. DOCTOR! I will be okay. I think. By tomorrow.

The weather in Kuching? Almost like my mood. Can you believe it? When the thunder rolled, I actually jumped. That shows how jumpy I am. Normally when I see lightning, I know there is bound to be thunder but today, I jumped when the thunder rolled, TWICE.

That shows how blur I was today. My brain is on snooze button. So, possibilities of being sickly? Very high. Right now, I am prone to be all blurry and cranky. Not much in the mood to go out anywhere though. But, there are responsibilities to be done. I have no choice. A duty as an elder sister. *chuckles weakly*

Me eyes are still 'eavy! (with Irish accents)

Stand My Ground (Within Temptation)

I can see
when you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right ?

Late at night
things I thought I put behind me
haunt my mind

I just know there's no escape now
once it sets it's eyes on you
but I won't run, have to stare it in the eye

Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand My Ground

It's all around
getting stronger, coming closer
into my world

I can feel
that it's time for me to face it
can I take it?

Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here

Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand My Ground

All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground

Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will

Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand My Ground.

Can I try and claim that this is my song? Somehow, I realised why I really like this song. In a way, this song gave me a will to actually think about facing my fear... Oh God. I wish I had guts but like how Sharon put it, if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground.

*sighs* I am still feeling rather tired and uneasy. I should get up now. I gotta do a few stuff today! No guarantee my mood would be perfect today. I can feel that it is bound to be one of those depressing days.

I'm Learning

How is it now have you moved on
And do you still think of me
When I'm gone
I think of you and I just wonder
Where you are
And what thoughts are racing through your mind
Who are you holding now
Oh I hope that you are happy now and
Someday I know I will be
I've been told there'll be another (or so they say)
But I guess never like the other
So I'll shed my tears
And I'll face my fears
I've been told there'll be another

It's so simple to say I love you
But sometimes it's not enough
So I'll find my sunrise
At the end of these few words
Who are you holding now
Oh I hope that you're happy now and
Someday I know I will be

I LOVE THIS SONG BY BOYZONE. For obvious reasons. Boybands are my guilty pleasure~

This Is The Story of A Girl

.::. Let me tell you a story about a girl .::.

:: Her name was Airin. She had a difficult life. Her life was filled with only darkness. People tried to get her out but she didn't care. She was in love with someone who didn't appreciate her. His name was Zack. Airin was totally in love with Zack. It didn't matter to her if he hurt her so badly. It didn't matter if he had slept with other girls. She loved him. She even attempted several stupidity just for him. She did the extremes like drowning herself in tears. She had patience for him. She believed he would change. She was confident that he loved her sincerely enough to change just for her.

She was wrong.

For her, he didn't change. Airin went into mourning. She slashed herself just to watch herself bleed. She became suicidal. She didn't think that there was more to life. She only loved that bastard. She didn't stop to think that there were some people out there who cared for her. She didn't stop to think that physical scars are obvious. It won't disappear too easily. Instead, she liked the idea of blood dripping from her arm. She liked watching her flesh split, revealing not of red but of white flesh... She didn't feel nauseous. She felt pain. Intense pain in her heart but not on her arm.

Some 6 stitches later, she was still depressed. He still didn't care about her. He still chose to be with some girl he met in the club. She was left alone. She was hurt. She was hurt from her own patience. She wasn't happy nor chirpy as she used to be. She was always crying. She was always feeling down. She was always suicidal. She was always so sad till she often sigh to herself, "I should not exist..."

Then, God sent her someone to enter her life. His name was Jared. They started out as friends. She didn't see anything in him, because to Airin, her heart was owned by Zack. As Airin realizes that her own boyfriend didn't care about her, she decided to slowly give up. She had enough of asking questions on what Zack was up to. It was his choice to get instigated by his friends who was only using him and weren't sincere to him. She made up her mind to stop crying since she was tired of shedding tears.

Who was her shoulder to cry on? Jared. She didn't realize at first that she had feelings for Jared. Until a sign was sent to her through a dream. She realized that it was time to fall out of love with her useless bastard of a boyfriend... the guy who shattered her heart... the guy who she patiently waited for. She knew he lost her. She regretted for being patient and loyal despite all the heartache she suffered.

Jared was something else. Though he admit that he wasn't all that great but she felt like there was an adrenaline rush pumping into her body system everytime she met him. He was there when she needed him. He had always gave her the will to go on. Ever since, Airin, the sad depressed girl we read about earlier... became what she had wanted to be and what she used to be before meeting Zack.

She found her smile. She found some sunlight shining through her windows. It wasn't raining as heavily as it used to be. She had started laughing again. She was smiling happily again. Most of all, the songs she used to sing changed into a happier tune. She wished that it was permanent. Yet. Due to some circumstances, she feared. By telling Jared how she felt, all that would disappear and she would sit in the darkness again IF... she was clapping alone... she remain quiet about how she felt for him. She had fallen again... and wasn't sure if there was Jared to catch her when she fell. She didn't want risking losing someone who knew how she felt about her life. She didn't want risking another heartache.

She admitted, as days went by her and after her break up with Zack, she fell in love with Jared. She was willing to hurt herself by being afraid to tell him she had feelings for him. She was willing to hurt herself watching him smile at her. She was willing to remain silent and not blush when being around him.

Even when she fell for Jared, Zack often came back to her. She didn't want to hurt anymore where Zack was concerned. She didn't want him back because she knew if he did say he would change, he won't. He lost her. Only then he realized... her heart wasn't his anymore. She didn't trust him anymore. She didn't care for him anymore.

And all she wanted was to see that warm smile which made her heart leapt or made her heart sing when he talks to her. She didn't want to risk losing all that... instead, she was willing to kill herself asking, "how does he feel towards me?"... She knows, she will regret if she didn't go up to tell him... but what makes her fear more is, his reaction towards her after she had confessed... That is about the only risk, she will have to make but eventually, she need to put her thoughts into action before she is too late... all she did was, fell in love with someone else, and he was her saviour... ::

*sighs* enough stories for now... I need to sleep, another early headstart tomorrow. I am not much in a good mood... owh well.

Extreme Deliria~

CLICK HERE TO READ THIS.

That is enough to kill me... I am done.

"Biarlah Rahsia"

This song has some meaning to my life.

I am not going to talk more about it before Adeeb destroys me further!!! EEEEKK!!!!

Love Hurts...

I love that song by Nazareth called Love Hurts. Read on.

Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts

I'm young, I know, But even so
I know a thing or two - I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame It burns you when it's hot
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts

Some fools think of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
They're not foolin' me
I know it isn't true I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts

I know it isn't true I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts
Ooo-oo, Love hurts Ooo-oo

Oh yeah. Damn true. Reason why I hate it when I start falling head over heels over someone. I get vulnerable. Argh!

I took a test on Facebook... What is LOVE to you? And the result was, "Came for friendship and took away love..."

My comment?

That is the painful part about LOVE. Seriously. Came for friendship. took away love. Then when it all ends? Friendship are often left shattered... damnn.

One reason why I fear falling in love. The main intention is to become friends. When I start walking away with love... and when things start to crumble... even friendship can't help us...

I am deathly afraid of that, so far I do get along well with my ex-es (except M though - who is too much of an ego-ist bastard). Often. I am victim where relationships are concerned... Oh well. What to do? *sighs* That is the way life is.

Not only love hurts but my chest hurts, too. I think it is the food poisoning! *wipes sweat from her forehead* Damn, to think that a blood hospital should be promoting hygiene and the canteen was FILTHY! Argh!

I am afraid to know if it was my imagination but... I thought I saw a bug or something crawling in the rice. Eek!

Thought For Food

I can't believe this. YOU won't believe this. I would think the canteen at a hospital would look clean. Damn. I proved myself wrong. It took me by surprise. Damn. It's so dirty it's not funny. You lose appetite just by sitting down here. Oh my God. I feel like vomiting. Just thinking about it makes me sick.. Will talk about it later. The thought of it. Damn...

On Writing and On Photography

I enjoy writing. I also enjoy photography. What is the difference between the two? Well, when you write a thousand words, you are forming ONE PICTURE but with ONE PICTURE you are looking at a thousand words. That is the beauty of putting the two together.

There is something to ponder about. There are some people who says that (in photography) you need expensive equipment to produce wonderful looking pictures. So, do we need to get a RM1,000 pen to write good poems or stories? Or an expensive LAPTOP for that matter to write. Let alone, to edit pictures!

For crying out loud, I edit my pictures using Photoshop CS3 and on my XP. I don't need to use an iMac. Or Photomatix!

So, let's ponder, is it necessary for us to get expensive equipment so that we can produce something that is said to be awesome? I use my cameraphone most of the time to take pictures lately because I find it convenient for me. Then, I use whatever paper or pen or pencil to write whatever poem there is in my head.

So? I still have people commenting my pictures, praising. Reading my works, praising. And to think I am using the most simplest of things. I write down on a piece of paper then type it down. I use my cameraphone then transfer pictures into my laptop. What is there to say? Who said we need EXPENSIVE equipment to produce nice stuff?

It is all in the mind and in the eyes. It is all about creativity. Not the equipment...

I typed that down all due to boredom. Since I am kinda suffering from a WRITER'S BLOCK! Sick and sad, huh? To think I have a storyboard to write out. Argh!

What I Hate Most...

Are...

Questions.

I tend to think alot and ask myself a lot of questions. I try not to ask why but at the end of the bloody day, I ask myself "Why did so-and-so happen...?" or "Why must it be me?"

What I hate most?

Will always be questions...

For a person who has the sixth sense where a third eye is concerned, I suck at it. Seriously.

I need to stop thinking once in a while. My brain deserve some serious rest.

A Story Is Told...

I was listening to V.E and Quadrose's version of All Cried Out which was originally by Allure feat 112... Enjoy this song called, Kerana Cintamu.

What seems to be the problem here? Well, I would think that the guy broke her heart. The same bloody way M broke mine.

Last Minute Realization is my FAVORITE WORST CASE SCENARIO BECAUSE...

It makes us "prey" feel stronger than the "predator".

How?

Simple. Let me give you a scenario.

Matt and Shannon have been together for a year and a half... Wherever Shannon went, Matt was there and vice versa. She was in love with him. She was all there for him. She was loyal to him and she didn't look at another guy but him. She adored him.

Until one day, he became close to people who were not worth being close to. He changed. He changed and it hurt her. He had other girls in his arms, slept at the other girl's place. It killed her. She endured. She tolerated the pain and ignored the instigation of those around her. He abused her. Emotionally and physically. She went to the extremes and attempted suicide. She changed. She cried most of the time. She was treated harshly by the girl who stood in her place. The girl who cut her line. He was NEVER there for her since. And, as time went by, Shannon begged Matt to change until one day (during their 3rd year together), she knew that too many chances were given and she had to give up on him. She had enough of tears. She had the strength to go on now, since she was almost used to being left alone. She didn't love him anymore. She lost hope in him. She wanted to be free. She made herself believe that she was single... they had broken up.

Then, suddenly, he reappeared asking her to come back. Yet, she made up her mind. She will not go back to him. She didn't want to beat herself up just for someone who didn't appreciate her. She was already free from her misery. She resolute to stop crying because her tears wasn't worth it for him...

So, the moral of the story is, don't ill-treat your girl especially if she is so in love with you... if she loves you... don't take her for granted. Don't ever under or overestimate her. She might eventually give up on you. She may be patient but keep in mind, even patience have limitations... don't ever cheat her heart... you will only kill her and when she turn your back on you, don't just realise only then... don't just realise that she is the one when it is too late.

Damn, tears are welling in my eyes.

I am happy because I managed to set myself free from making more mistakes. I managed to build some strength to move on. I proved that I did become stronger. Yet, when I think about it... if wasn't for my Saviour, I won't be where I am now. So all thanks to him :)

I am feeling happy. I am smiling but there are tears in my eyes. Why? I pity M. I had enough of people telling me that they pity me, they should PITY him. I was loyal. I was head over heels for him and yet, he lost me. It was his loss. Not mine...

Even with a bad experience, even if I do fall in love again or get into a relationship again, I won't hurt my significant other the way M hurt me. It is not fair. Who wants to be hurt? I certainly don't want to feel so much pain... after enduring for 3 years... seriously.

Thank God It Was You

i never thought that it was you who would hold out your hands for me,
i never expected that it would be you who would rescue me,
i did not realise that you were protecting me,
i have always thought that you won't hold me tightly the way you did,
i never felt so much joy when you are near,
i never found so much happiness,
people think i am happier now,
people see me and wonder about me,
they realised that i am much happier than i used to be,
maybe,
you made me the way i am now,
i don't have to hide my tears,
i don't have to hide my fears because you are near,
i thought a person like you was only a dream never coming true,
but,
thank God it was you,
who held my hands through the dark,
it was you who held me in your arms to sleep at night,
and it was your love that brought me through the stormiest weather...
i thank God that it WAS you!

© Jasima Junaidi 2008

Disturbed

I am not going to read Stephen's blog ever again. It is just wrong. The thought about f*cking a corpse seems like the most disturbing thought ever! To think I was serious about playing House of the Dead, I think, I will not look at ZOMBIES the same way again.

I read Stephen's poem on his Friendster blog and this is my thought about it...

No doubt it was good but...

Bloody hell, I am damn speechless... I am lost for words. For once. I don't even know what to say but OH MY F***ING HELL and to think I didn't know Hell can f*** but...

OH MY GOD.

OH.................................

MY................

GOD.............. and I didn't stop cursing after reading that poem.

CLICK IF YOU DARE

The thought of "Doing It" to a corpse is... NOT COOL.

I am lost for words... seriously. I don't know what else to say... Mood is great but... after reading that disturbing poem...

Eek! Being a typical literature student, I read every word, absorb them and... imagined... and the moment the... sex came into the picture... I was already cursing my heart out and my first words was... "Sh*t!"

At first, I thought it was vampiric... then, apparently, when I continued reading that poem, I realised that it was ... NOT VAMPIRIC at all... it was... just... WRONG.

All the gore...

I write gothic poems, too but... where sex is concerned, I don't touch on the subject.

That was an instant headbang... I should continue writing my own poem now... I need ideas and for some kind of weird reason, The Labyrinth popped in my head...

Stephen, thanks to you, my brain is not mine tonight~~

SOMEONE GIVE ME SOMETHING NICE TO THINK ABOUT BEFORE I START DREAMING ABOUT ... ZOMBIES "DOING IT"...

Oh my God... Taken from my Facebook notes.

That should be enough for tonight. Damn, my mind is disturbed. Seriously.

Random Deliria (Part II)

Your Superpower Should Be Mind Reading

You are brilliant, insightful, and intuitive. You understand people better than they would like to be understood. Highly sensitive, you are good at putting together seemingly irrelevant details. You figure out what's going on before anyone knows that anything is going on! Why you would be a good superhero: You don't care what people think, and you'd do whatever needed to be done Your biggest problem as a superhero: Feeling even more isolated than you do now

What Should Your Superpower Be?

I was bored. Ok? And my brain is not functioning well enough for me to blog! A second one now!

You Are Psyche!

Eternally in search of purpose and insight. You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder. Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily. Just be sure to pamper yourself as well!

What Goddess Are You?

Arieanna

I miss this little girl! This was taken last year when we went to Sematan. What was in that plastic you may wonder...

Nuril's burger.

I love this shot because of the look on her face. Haha!

Me.

I can't stop listening to that song... Shan Hu Hai (meaning Coral Sea) by Jay Chou and Lara Liang!

Short post. Eek! I am still trying to drive a few people insane in MSN :D

My two best friends. Potential lesbian partners! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Brighter Than Any Other Days

I don't think I have anything significant to blog about except that this might be the tummyache season. Many people I know are complaining about it. Owh well.

I don't know. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and it involves a hell lot of emotions...

Why should I...

Cry: When he doesn't show that he cares at all?
Get All Miserable: When he is [probably] happy by someone else's side?
Care About Him: When he doesn't give a shit about me?
Accept Pity From Others: when didn't lose anything at all?

I want to start a new chapter of my life.

I should...

Laugh: Because I am finally free!
Have Fun: Because there is NO ONE to tie me down!
Care About Myself: Because in order to love others, I need to love myself first!
Pity Him: Because it was his loss of a loyal person... ME!

I love contraries! I am glad I set myself free before it got a little too late. From now on, I am leaving the past behind me.

Darn this tummyache, I feel like pulling my stomach out!

Back onto the subject, I am only glad that someone did come and save me from falling. For that. You get my thanks.

There is this sudden urge to write a story but I can't because I don't know what to write about. Darn. I want to write a fan fic but I don't know who to target. I want to write something. Something that looks convincing. *sighs*

Damn you writer's block! I can't even write my poem! :( I guess, I will go disappear somewhere first :P

Random Deliria :P

What the hell? Why do I look so shock? I was busy on my laptop. Ladidadida-ing when this small point and shoot camera on a DSLR tripod hovered over my head.

Snap!

So, what was up with the Gotcha! there? Just for fun, to make people think I was watching porno on my laptop when I was on YouTube :D

珊瑚海 | Shan Hu Hai | Coral Sea

Verse 1:

海平面远方开始阴霾 悲伤要怎么平静纯白
hai ping mian yuan fang kai shi yin mai / bei shan yao zhe me ping jing chun bai
Clouds gather on the faraway (sea) horizon, How can I keep my sadness calm

我的脸上始终夹带 一抹浅浅的无奈
wo de nian shang shi zhong jia dai / yi mo qian qian de wu nai
I remained straight-faced, trying to cover the hint of resignation


你用唇语说你要离开 (情不在)
ni yong chun yu shuo ni yao li kai (qing bu zai)
You silently said that you wanted to leave (The love's gone)

那难过无声慢了下来
na nan guo wu sheng nan le xia lai,
The sadness slowed down silently

汹涌潮水 你听明白
xiong yong chao sui, ni ting ming bai
Listen carefully to the crashing tides,

不是浪而是泪海
bu shi lang er shi lei hai
It is not from the sea but from tears

Chorus:

转身离开 (你有话说不出来) 分手说不出来
zhuan shen li kai (ni you hua shuo bu chu lai) fen shou shuo bu chu lai
Turning around to leave, (You have something to say but remained speechless), unable to say it's over

海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外
hai niao gen yu xiang ai / zhi shi yi chang yi wai
The love between a seagull and a fish is only an accidental occurrence

我们的爱 （给的爱）差异一直存在 (回不来)
wo men de ai （gei de ai） cha yi yi zhi cun zai (hui bu lai)
Differences had always existed in (the love you gave) our love (we can't go back)

风中尘埃(等待)竟累积成伤害
feng zhong zhen ai (deng dai) jing lei ji cheng shang hai
The dust that gathers in the wind (ends up) accumulating to pain

转身离开 分手说不出来
zhuan shen li kai fen shou shuo bu chu lai
Turning around and leave, (can't say it's over), unable to say it's over

蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白
wei lan de shan hu hai / cuo guo shun jian cang bai
An azure coral sea, a missed momentary paleness

当初彼此（你我都）不够成熟坦白(不应该)
dang chu bi ci （ni wo dou) bu gou cheng shu tan bai (bu ying gai)
Right from the beginning (you and me both) were not mature and frank enough (shouldn't)

热情不改 (你的) 笑容勉强不来
re qing bu gai (ni de) xiao rong mian qiang bu lai
The passion had not changed, (your) smile cannot be forced

爱深埋珊瑚海
ai shen mai shan hu hai
Love is buried deep within the coral sea

Verse 2:

毁坏的沙碉如何重来 有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
hui huai de sa diao ru he chong lai / you lie heng de ai zhe me chong gai
How do (we) rebuild the damaged sand sculpture, how can (we) fix a broken relationship?

只是一切 结束太快 你说你无法释怀
zhi shi yi qie / jie shu tai kuai / ni shuo ni wu fa shi huai
Only that all has ended too quickly and you said you could not understand why


贝壳里隐藏着什么期待 (等花儿开)
bei ke li ying cang zhe she me qi dai (deng hua er kai)
What surprises await in a seashell (Waiting for the flowers to bloom)

我们也已经无心再猜
wo men ye yi jing wu xin zai cai
We do not want to play the guessing game anymore

面向海风 (面向海风)
mian xiang hai feng (mian xiang hai feng)
The sea breeze caressing the face (the sea breeze caressing the face)

咸咸的爱 (咸咸的爱)
xian xian de ai (xian xian de ai)
The salty love (the salty love)

尝不出还有未来
chang bu chu hai you wei lai
Unable to feel any future (between us)

Repeat Chorus

The song is beautiful. Has it significance for me though. Hmm. I want to memorise this song! Hehehehe!! :D

A Sign And My Thanks

Something happened last night, right after my nice cool evening shower, something which never happen, happened.

My necklace came off and fell to the floor.

Here is the weird bit, M was the last person who put it on for me and the catch was still locked. And to think Bg Lan told me something last night, "If anything happen to that boy (in respect to me that I don't want M's name mentioned anymore), you don't have to feel guilty because you know that it is not your fault but his... Only then you can forget your painful past..."

Every single word he said is true. To think in the bloody pass, when anything happened to M, I ended up blaming myself when it wasn't even my fault even.

That is the thing about me that I don't like (as I had poured out to Kak Riyya last night). I am too patient. She said I was too optimistic. I believed that everything should have a chance. Even cheaters.

After being slapped in the face by a little thing called FATE... I decided it was time to stop giving chances. Because the more chances I gave, the more pain I felt. Instead of beating myself up the way I did, I might as well move on.

Since, I know I have potentials in looking for someone better than M. Three years together. I endured for a year plus. I cannot afford to kill my heart. It deserves some happiness now... I am happier with myself now... I am glowing more than before. If some of my friends can comment, "Ja, you are glowing and you look very happy" just by looking at my pictures, they should see me in person. *hugs Yip virtually since she is in KL*

Juliana and Serena, too, claimed they've seen the differences in me now. They are also part of the reason why I am happier now. They have been keeping me strong and kept me on my feet. They have been there at the darkest hour of need and had never stopped giving me support. Thanks Girls. There was no loss in forming the Sweater Girls in 1999. I love you girls (not in a lesbian sense!) *winks*

Adeeb, Kak Finie and Bg Shuk? These people are like family. Adeeb had to put up with listening to my tears and laughter. He is the brother I never had. My quarreling partner. My Big 2 partner. Most of all, my partner-in-crime. Kak Finie and Bg Shuk gets my thanks for always bringing me out when I am down just to calm myself down. Yet, everytime I am with this family, I end up laughing away as if there was no tomorrow.

Bg Lan, had always been there to give advice on all the problems I faced with M and he is the one who was most positive about everything. He is the one who taught me that everything is wonderful and can change. Thanks, Bro... Although it didn't work out between M and I but then I appreciate every single advice and attempt you made to help me out. I know you've been trying to contact M just to scold him but M is too stubborn. Now, it is his loss. So, why should I worry? :)

Somehow, Nuril also have been the other person who made me laugh and smile despite hiding all my pain from my own family. She knew I dumped M. She was the one happy for me. I am glad. I figured they found out about M's stupidity and being a typical family member, "you mess with my sibling, you mess with me..." And what did this girl do? 'Steal' M's sunglasses! Haha! Thanks, Bee.

Many others who've helped me when I was left in the dark (sorry can't mention names, I fear I may forget some names), I thank you guys for everything you've told me when I had told you my tale and all my suffering. Thanks for listening and thanks for noticing the change in me.

Last and not least...

My Saviour. It was a good thing a sign was given to me saying that I could depend on you. You've heard me rant out my problems and pour out to you. You've told me things I should be hearing. You've gave me strenght. I don't know if you know but, it was you who've made me open my heart up again when I thought it was fair for me to just close it. You taught me that my heart should be open. Thank you. I appreciate you for that. Seeing your smile made me happy. It feels so nice to have someone to care for you when everything seem down. And, also, thanks for rescuing me from myself.

Memories That Deserve To Die

As much as (I hated admitting that) I still have feelings for M but I had enough. Today's date will disappear from my calender. He has been poking himself into my heart but I keep pushing him out from my heart. I cannot afford to get my heart bruised again. I have feelings for him but I do not love him anymore. It is not worth loving him anymore.

Why?

What is the point of loving someone who doesn't make you feel appreciated? What is the point of loving someone who hurt you over and over without saying sorry?

He may have told me that he loved me... yesterday... my answer was, "If you had truly loved me, why did you hurt my feelings like I deserved it? And you didn't care how I felt towards you... what I was facing... You didn't show me you cared... until when do I have to suffer like this?"

What did I do to him to make myself suffer this way? Where did I go wrong until he changed drastically? I gave him all of my heart. Yet, it was my heart he shattered. I got over him but it still hurts. The thought of getting your heart broken again and again scares me... I don't want to feel the same pain I felt when I was with M... I cannot stand it anymore.

Rose (in the Neil Gaiman's Sandman) was right...

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

She was right... I got pessimistic towards love because of that one stupid person. He took my heart hostage... then at the end of the day, he killed the trust within and for a year, I had to put up with my patience and the pain... I had confidence in him that he will change for the better but... I was proven otherwise. I still remain loyal to him.

Only recently, I decided to be stronger than him. I decided that I should be stronger than him. I had enough of people coming up to me saying, "Ja, I pity you..."

ENOUGH, damn it! ENOUGH!

How much longer do I have to suffer? Instead of letting myself suffer, what did I do? I got out from the cage he kept me in for too long... I had the free will to get out on my own but I willingly locked myself in... until one fateful day. The day my locked but broken heart opened itself and healed itself. Only that one fateful day, I decided to let myself free... I don't want to be the songless bird in the cage. I want to fly. I want to be set free. I am not just a pet. I am not a doll. I am. Me. I need my life.

I am glad that someone else had gave me the will to go on. I intend to protect him from M's knowledge. Even if I had to get myself beaten up by M even, I will protect my saviour. He had saved me. He was the person who saved me from myself. He saved me from the biggest threat in my life...

Myself...

*sighs* How am I the biggest threat to my own self...? I tend to spoil what God had given me... Hence the 2 inches mark on my left arm. When I look at my scar, I hate it. I curse at it. I get angry at myself... back then, no one was there to save me... Even I didn't think straight when I was lost within my wrath... That is what I got from my own doing.

When I think back, why did I do it? What was I thinking? Yet, it was I myself who drove to the clinic to get my arm stitched when he didn't anything about it... It was his sister who started panicking. As for him... he did nothing. Instead. He got angry with me.

So, what is the point of being with a guy who didn't care? You were willing to even take your life just for him. Yet, he did nothing at the end of the day.

The reason why I am blogging all this down is because I want people to know this:-

"Do not appreciate someone at the last minute... at the moment you realised that you've lost them..."

And I intend to put all this pain behind me. By letting out, there should be some feeling of relieve.

The thing with M now is... now that he realised that he had lost me, he decides to come looking for me when I don't want him to. When all I want to do is disappear from him. When all I want to do is not be with him. Despite all the hurt he did to me. He never once said sorry to me for his mistakes and sins. I never once forgave him although I said I did. Yet, deep within me, I know, I didn't even forgive him at all.

He hurt me once, twice and thrice... there will not be a fourth time since I gave him a year to prove to me that he really did love me... which he didn't.

Now, I say:- I deserve someone better than M... someone like my saviour... I just hope that my saviour isn't the same mistake as M...

My thanks to Adeeb who told me this, "your love garden will bloom sooner than you think"... *sighs* I hope he is right. I want someone who will add to my happiness... someone who will make my life complete. Someone who will save me. Over and over. From myself...

This post is dedicated to My Saviour.

Some things are better left unspoken.

Beautiful Lie

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
’Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last (happened last)
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

Lie....Beautiful

Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie ---
It's a perfect denial ---(So beautiful, beautiful)
Such a beautiful lie to believe in ---
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

Whatever it is, I absolutely love this song. Since I first heard it last year until now. I am kinda clueless now, so I thought I'd just add a song lyric in :D

New Beginning

No, I am not going to post Stephen Gately's song here. At least, not yet. I thought that today would be the most miserable day of my life. Apparently, not.

Despite the whole night of hatred last night and the whole night of unhappiness.

M didn't contact me today though. I am glad. No problems at all today! :) I feel at ease despite today supposedly to be our 3rd year anniversary which I ended a few weeks ago! :D

Hope this feeling remains and today, I played Big Two again... this kills me. I lost many times and won once... I want a rematch! Haha! I have to make sure he does not say, "EH" before distributing the cards!

*sighs* Anyway, today Juliana went on to Stage 2 of our All I Need video discussion.

Practically, I am glowing away today! I am happy today! :) More later!

The Death of My Happiness

waking every morning with this pain,
realising that i am alone,
my life as usual are lies,
i hide behind a mask of joy,
concealing this unhappy feeling,
hiding from the world my true self.

i walk up this street everyday,
watching the children playing their games happily,
and as for me,
alone i walk,
in the cold and in loneliness,
i wish i could stop breathing the air,
i wish i could stop this beating heart,
but i know,
i cannot because i was borne into this cruel world,
i was borne to suffer like the others around me,
i need to endure,
i need to tolerate this pain and this suffer,
i wish i was strong enough,
but i am still weak,
i wish i was strong...

i know i can be strong,
i used to be strong,
i used to know what true happiness was,
until,
it happened to me,
as it happened to many others,
this heart had broken into a thousand flaws,
but it met its death,
i met mine,
my happiness...
my positive emotion,
met its end...

this is the death of my happiness...

© Jasima Junaidi 2008

You ought to be wondering why I didn't use any capital letters... There a reason to it. Normally, in the world of literature, it is a sign of being small... In the case of this poem, I not only feel small but I feel like I do not exist at all and the fact that all feeling for happiness had died.

Owh well.

Bad Timing...

I hate it. I hate M. I really do. I may still see him around but I really really hate him. Why? I gave him a year to change. A year of chances. Yet, my heart is being bruised horribly. He came to see me, without any apology or anything. Just act as if nothing happened. Ain't that being sarcastic? Or was that being brainless?

He lost me. He knew he lost me. He came a bit too late. Yet, only now he acts as if he wants me back. I am sorry. The feelings I have for him isn't like how it used to be. I had forgotten all about him. I don't know who he is anymore.

He may have lost something but me? I gained one thing... the will to go on.

I may feel this way, but then, I hope he will learn his lesson in the future. I don't care if you didn't care about me when I needed you most. You are fucking selfish! You don't deserve anything out of me. You made me the way I am. Don't blame me if I've changed. You are the cause of it all.

Before you expect me to change to be the caring me, you look into the mirror and change yourself and question yourself, what did you do it to me to make me feel so dark and full of angst... What did you do to make me change...?

Think about it. I had enough of getting my heart beaten up by YOU... I had enough!

My Attempt In Fan Fics After Many Years

I wrote something. Not that I am a good writer but it was all an attempt!! Hehe! Juliana distributed the idea (as always)

HERE GOES!


It so happened that the three of us were together when the New Kids on the Block came to Kuching. Juliana & I decided to follow Serena, who was a HUGE New Kids on the Block fan because we both knew one thing.. Serena would kill anyone who gets in her way where Jonathan Knight is concerned. I was there to take pictures of the boys. Juliana was there to help me calm Serena down. We waited patiently for the guys to arrive the hotel.

"We should have waited at the airport, Jul.." I told Juliana. She agreed but Serena thought otherwise.

"I've never seen Serena so sexcited before!" Juliana whispered & I tried hard not to laugh because I was thinking the same. "Serena, Shano & I want to go to the toilet. Wanna join?"

"It is okay, I will wait for Jonathan & the others here.." she said as she sat down on one of the couches in the lobby. Juliana dragged me out of the crowd & for some kind of weird reason we went to the washroom near the ballroom instead of the washroom by the lobby.

Guess who we saw, sneaking away from the crowd. It was Jonathan Knight himself.

When he saw us, he noticed the camera in my hands & he told us not to tell anyone that the guys were hiding in the ballroom because they wanted to run away from the crowd in the lobby. The next Juliana & I knew, Jon dragged us into the ballroom.

"Shh.." Jon said almost panicking. Before Juliana could ask why, Jon explained, "The crowd here is wilder than we thought. I thought it was not going to be this big here in Kuching.."

"You've got to be kidding me. One of the people in that crowd came all the way from Brunei!" I said as I laughed. "Right, Jul?" I asked but Jul was nowhere near me. Apparently, she saw the others & went to speak the others..

"Brunei?" Jonathan asked. I nodded. "Oh my God.. is her name Serena by any chance?" I blinked at him, almost in shocked the moment he mentioned my best friend's name. "Please answer me!" he begged. "You look like you are in shock. Nod for a positive answer. Shake your head if you don't know her."

I honestly nodded. He looked so happy I thought he would kiss me & I knew my best friend was the one in love with him. NOT ME..

"Can you by any chance call her here?" he asked, giving me the puppy look. I turned to look at Juliana, who was having more fun chatting with Jordan Knight & Joey McIntyre. Since she was a fan of theirs, I decided not to disturb her. "I just want to meet the girl who amuses me.. Please, call her here & I will give you something you want.."

For a moment there, I thought that Jon was a genie who would grant me 3 wishes or something. So, I took out my cellphone. "Let me warn you, Jon," I said after a long silence. "She worships you. So, don't break her heart or I'll.."

"I won't break her heart. I swear. She made me feel complete! That is the girl I intend to meet! Please!" he begged. I dialed Serena's number.

"Hey! Juliana & I got into a little sticky situation here. Require help! NOW!" I said. "Owh, please.. they won't come anytime soon! Jul & I need you now!" I said almost desperately over the phone. "It won't be long. I promise! Okay. Alright. NOWW!!" I said then hung up. As I put my cellphone into my pocket, Jon looked at me blank. "How may I help you?" I asked conveniently.

"Can you by any chance call her here?" he asked, giving me the puppy look. I turned to look at Juliana, who was having more fun chatting with Jordan Knight & Joey McIntyre. Since she was a fan of theirs, I decided not to disturb her. "I just want to meet the girl who amuses me.. Please, call her here & I will give you something you want.."

For a moment there, I thought that Jon was a genie who would grant me 3 wishes or something. So, I took out my cellphone. "Let me warn you, Jon," I said after a long silence. "She worships you. So, don't break her heart or I'll.."

"I won't break her heart. I swear. She made me feel complete! That is the girl I intend to meet! Please!" he begged. I dialed Serena's number.

"Hey! Juliana & I got into a little sticky situation here. Require help! NOW!" I said. "Owh, please.. they won't come anytime soon! Jul & I need you now!" I said almost desperately over the phone. "It won't be long. I promise! Okay. Alright. NOWW!!" I said then hung up. As I put my cellphone into my pocket, Jon looked at me blank. "How may I help you?" I asked conveniently.

He blinked blankly. "You tricked her?" he asked.

"If I don't do what I just did, she won't even move from where she is now." I said in a cool manner. My cellphone rang & I answered, "We're not in the washroom.. Juliana's curiousity had to kill me, we're in the ballroom!" I said then hung up again.

"Gosh, Woman. You dare do such thing to your own best friend? I like that tactic. I think I understand why you do it!" he chuckled. I grinned.

"Ja? Jul?" Serena called as she peek into the ballroom. "Where the hell are you guys?" she asked. "I hate it when you play hide & seek with me, Girls!"

"Here's your chance, Jon." I whispered. He got up from where we were & grinned sheepishly.

"OH! MY! GOD!" Serena squee-ed. "Is that really you?" she gasped. Jon grinned & nodded. I nudged his calves as if telling him to approach her. Since I was on the floor along with the others, I went towards Juliana & introduced myself to the others there. From where I was, I heard Serena talking to Jon shyly. "OH MY GOD! IT IS YOU!"

"You are the famous Serena!" Jon said in delight & they started chatting.

"SHE LOVES TRACTORS, JON!" Jul called out suddenly. I laughed.

"What the -? Girls, where the hell are you?" Serena called. Juliana & I stood up & waved at her. Even from a distant, I could see Serena's face turn bright red. So was Jon's! HE WAS BLUSHING! He met the girl who've been hinting things to him via cyberspace & now he is there with her. Next to her.

"Shano, don't you just feel happy to see Serena finally meeting her Idol?" Juliana asked. I grinned & nodded. Jordan & Joey looked at us blankly.

"Idol?" they asked at the same time. Juliana & I nodded. "Whoa. We both knew that Jon had this obsessed fan from Brunei but we didn't seem to think you guys knew her!" Jordy said.

"Owh, you have no idea what we have to endure!" I laughed. Juliana laughed, too, only nervously because she did had a celebrity crush on Jordy. "Anyway, it is an honour for you guys to come here to meet your fans!" I said.

"No problem," Joey said. Next thing I knew, Juliana & Jordy was in deep conversation leaving poor Joey & I to watch what was happening to Jon & Serena. "Finally, he found her." Joey said.

"Finally?" I asked. Joey nodded. "Have he been speaking of her?"

"Yeah. Almost non-stop. He said, he will find for that girl. No matter what!" Joey said. I was almost speechless. Apparently, when with Juliana & I, all Serena talks about is Jon.. whereas, at their part of the world, all Jon talks about is this mysterious fan of his from Brunei!"

I thought to myself. Was this fate? For both of them? Whatever it was, I was proud of Serena. Her passion for Jon was paid off. They did meet. Then I turned to Jordy & Juliana, they were both getting warm with each other. I looked at poor Joey. I didn't have a particular favorite member in the group. So, I sat down, feeling slightly relieved..

I was happy for the two girls. Especially, Serena. She found her dream guy. Juliana? I was also happy for her because she met the guy that has something on her criteria list. I turned to Joey. "Hey, Joey, what about we leave these four in here. I don't want to witness an orgy!" I said.

"Where do you propose we go?" he asked me. I shrugged.

"A little drink won't hurt?" I said. Joey apparently, wanting to get out, agreed.

"Let the two brothers deal with their fans here!" he said, naughtily. I laughed & took Joey's arms casually & we went out of the ballroom to get a drink or two with the intention to leave the people we were proud of to themselves.

DEDICATED TO SERENA WITH THE MESSAGE, JULIANA AND SHANNO LOVE YOU, SIS ;)

Hehehe. Written in about 10 minutes? I think. Hahaha!!

Slight Changes Has Been Made...

Hehe! Thanks to You-Know-Who-You-Are for pointing it out to me that the fonts were too small... Hahahaha! :P

Tell me what I can do to improve :)

Thanks! :D

This Girl's Gonna Be Alright

This video is a mirror to my life with M... I didn't make this video. But, I thank the maker. It is like as if you knew that this song is about me ;)

This song is by Nikki Flores... it's call This Girl.

Just sit back, let the video stream. Enjoy :)

Songs and What I Think?

Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler) - soppiest of all ballad rock. The song simply means, the persona is fed up of being in love. Her heart had closed.

All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You (Heart) - this is extremely simple. A one night stand song. *chuckles*

I am kinda blur right now, so, I can't really blog. Haha! I have nothing to rant about today! :P

My Patience Has Limitations

I forgot to mention what Aunty Mimi said about me yesterday. We were at Spring having lunch when someone stupid called me and said I was lying when I told him that I was with my Aunt having lunch. After I came back from being on the phone, Aunty Mimi said, "I admire your patience..."

That is the thing about me. I let people take advantage of me. Of course I get angry but then I am still too patient. I have confidence in people when I know I shouldn't have any confidence in them!

Why am I so stupid that way?

Yet, don't think for me being a patient person, I don't have limitations. Owh, I do. Don't make me angry, that is all. You can make me lose my mood but don't think of making me angry. You won't like it and I won't like it. I have a temper. It is not good.

When I am angry, I will start crying. That is a well-known fact about me. I will start shaking and then I will start crying my eyes out. It is almost sickening.

Seriously, right now, I am only ranting. Don't even think of making me take action for anything. I need to get out. I want to go to the beach. I am feeling so ranty now. Some people *rolls her eyes*

Those Days

For some kind of weird reason, when I woke up this morning, I suddenly thought about Kevin and how he was my saviour when I was still in school.

Come to think of it, M was never my saviour. He was selfish!

Anyway, I was bullied when I was in school. No, when I was in St. Mary's. I hated my life in St. Mary's. No one knew the pain I had to endure when I was in St. Mary's... I was being slandered of being a lesbian. I was being sprinkled over with drinking water while in the class. My personal stuff was raided. I hated 85% of my life in St. Mary's. No doubt, we were immature. Most of the time, people enjoyed making stories out of me. Owh well.

I was a reject. My disadvantage was, having a sister teaching in the school. As much as I liked having my sister to teach in the school, it was no fun. Seriously. Anything that happen in the class, if the teachers knew, all fingers will be in my direction when I know nothing and when I didn't even tell my sister anything. The other thing is, my case with that stupid teacher also known as Bangau.

As far as I am concerned, the only good year I faced when I was in St. Mary's was forming the Sweater Girls, which was in 1999. As funny as it sounds, it was brief. I think life was great when I was with some of my juniors. People like Juliana. The basketball club people. I always had fun with them. Even when I was with the choir, I didn't really hang out with my year batch. I was often seen with my juniors. *sighs* Pathetic me.

The best memory in St. Mary's was... the choir competition year. Haha! We presented Sarawak in Penang. Back then, I was singing Soprano 1 (highest of voices) now, hear me croak. I only sing Soldier of Fortune now along with all those other rock songs but not as good as Ella! Haha!

Yet, the best school days will have to be when I entered St. Thomas'. Well, I felt like I was appreciated more when I went to St. Thomas'. I wasn't much of a reject. No. I WAS NOT A REJECT. I was appreciated. To think that I could tame the toughest boy in that school. The naughtiest of all students... Never will I forget what he told me, "If you've got a problem, let us know and we will settle for you"

I will never forget them. Even now, when some of them see me in town, they will always greet me. As a prefect, I was never bad to them. If they've brought something they are not supposed to bring, I'd leave a note on their table saying I took their stuff and I expect them to come and see me after school so I can return it to them.

I think I should get off now. Suddenly, my mood turned bad. I don't understand people nowadays.

I seriously hate being a patient person! >:(

Criteria? Go Figure ;)

Hi, I am Jaja. (d'oh!)

I want someone who will appreciate me and will love me unconditionally and who cares for me and what I think about everything. Someone I can share my thoughts with. Someone I can share my life with. Someone I who can make me laugh when I am sad.

Read below to know more of what kind of guy I would LOVE to have in my life.

*nods* I want most of that in a guy. *grins*

How did I come across this? Well, I was cleaning up my laptop hard disk and my external hard disk. I want someone in my life who won't make me feel vulnerable. He will be the person who will put me up onto a pedestal to make me feel confident with myself. *sighs*

I need to sleep. I need more rest. I may be bound to wake up at 7 something in the morning now but at least I have enough sleep :) and rest.

If not. I'd get all cranky. Seriously.

In Relation To My Last Blog Entry and How It Affects Me

Bloody hell. I can't stop cursing. Someone indirectly ruined my good day! Why and how does it affect me INDIRECTLY?

Let me tell you a little bit about me... I am the type who is protective over people I care for. I had been in his situation middle of 2008. I never expect that my good friend would suffer the same... to feel the same pain I felt.

That pissed me off tonight. Seriously pissed me off. I hate it when people mess with my good friends or the people I care for. The 'victim' happened to be like a brother to me and the other person involved is my new found friend... I pity her.

I happened to be the type, if no one messes with my life, I am fine... and I am a very vengeful person. Considering, I hadn't forgiven a cousin for 7 years now... after she announced to the world that she FAILED her driving exam because of me. Right.

That fateful day in 2001 (Usu Lina would know this story) we went for our driver's exam and I specifically told her, "If you are NOT confident with yourself, don't use the technique I taught you..." Did she listen to me?

Nope.

Ah! I will rant later. I need to look for something to drink. I can feel my whole body heating up again! Darn. I am dehydrated and I don't intend to date the toilet bowl. With this weather? Pfuit! Everything is killing.

Nuril is in Singapore :(

I miss Orchard Road *cries* Daphne Che Che, you come home, don't forget Karrot C8! :D Kekeke! You brought it all the way from Singapore to KL the other day! Kuching is nearer! Haha! Christmas holidays we hang out at Bing! :)

My Rant In My Dialect

Nok tok khas kei rentua sik sedar dunia~ (mun kau terasa, nang nyaman palak aku)

Nang paloy kau ya owh? Pahal aku padah gya? Kau sekati jak nak tudoh kawan aku polah crita. Kau sik sedar dirik kah? Kau sikda bu+0h nak ngakuk kesalahan kau mpun kah? Mun kau pandei nak jeles ngan orang lain nak tegal nak rapat ngan prompuan yang di suk kau ya nak, iboh lah nak polah crita karut. Sik pernah aku nak temu manusia kdak kau egh. Heran indah aku leh kau, tauk sik? Dah kau ya besar panjang, berumor gik, berperangey kdak nembiak kecik. Skati polah crita hal orang lain. Salah orang di anok kau kowh. Bencer kau polah kawan bait aku skati glak. Jangan sampei aku gago nak polah hal juak. Iboh kau nak macam-macam egh. Sikda orang respek kau waima kau orang besar. Waima kau orang tua. Sikda mek orang lalek sapa kau. Skali kau malat mek orang, beribu kali mek orang ngenak kau.

Aku ingga menar ngan orang yang suka polah fitnah hal orang lain. Aku meluwat menar ngan orang yang polah orang lain skati. Iboh jadi puk!m^k bah!

Tegal kau polah kawan bait aku kdak aek juruk egh, aku menar-menar sik asa puas ati. Gnei asa kau mun ada orang polah kau kdak kau polah kawan bait aku? Isk. Sakit ati juak aku tegal kau egh. Menar-menar aku sakit hati! Benda yang dirasa aku dolok dah di rasa cdak yang rapat menar ngan aku! Dah lah aku sik maok orang lain rasa betapa sakitnya kes palat kdak tok. Biar aku sorang jak tauk gnei perasaan di palat leh orang tapi kau dah over glak. Kau dah nyakit ati kawan bait aku... mun kau nyakit ati kawan aku, kau main ngan dendam aku, tauk sik kau? Waima aku tok congek, tapi jangan ingat congek aku tok bukan tegal aku lemah... aku akan nangis bila aku menar-menar manas. Bila ada rasa dendam lam ati aku!

Bila aku pikir balit egh, kau ya jantan kah, prompuan... Iskk... ingga! INGGA!! INGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Mun kau dah berbini nak, cuba kau ngenang bini kau. Boh dikenang glak bini kau ya, mun kau ada anak, NGENANG NGAN ANAK KAU. Pengempang na kau nak nyeksa anak ngan bini kau owh? Jangan nyuroh aku pikir ya dasar lelaki. Jangan sampei aku padah, "Lelaki tok semua nya SAMA ajak!" Dah aku berbunyi gya, sik ku betah nak ada gerek egh. Sik ku betah nak nikah ngan orang laki gik egh! Nama dah sakit hati glak egh. Menar-menar aku sakit hati. Aku sakit hati bukan tegal benda lain, aku sakit hati tegal kawan aku sakit hati kerana manusia kdak kau!

Iskkk!!!!!!! Dah, terlepas dah geram aku... ya bok ckit. Lom gik nak berantu tok. Sikda mood nak berantu. Antu gik berderok ya! X(

I Tried Many Times But Nothing Was Real

Wonder what the significance are to my blog titles to my blog entries? Well, it is just being random. Today was probably one of those days where I say that there is nothing special. In fact, I told M off today and I think he was filled with regret. Let him. I don't care. He can try stealing my heart again... No doubt there is a little bit of feeling towards him but then, I had enough... He had bruised my heart so badly, I thought I wouldn't be able to survive each fall I took...

But...

Look at me now. I have the friends I need. As Yip put it, "You are glowing, Ja!". Thanks, Yip! *hugs*

My life is a soap opera. It is worse that Grey's Anatomy just minus the scandals and the sex. Just a hell lot of crying and complication! I don't want anymore 'soaps' in my life...

Just make my life a movie! *laughs out loud*

Anyway, along with this entry, I want to post something pretty interesting... I wonder who does it reminds me of? :)

There's a girl livin in this town
She's got her head up in the sky
But her feet are on the ground
There's a girl livin on my street
She knows outside her little world
Somehow ends are gonna meet
And when the road gets kinda rough
She keeps one thing in mind
The longest journey always starts
With one step at a time

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
She knows that a flower grows everytime it rains
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow ain't what it seems
She might not solve a mystery tonight
But this girl's gonna be alright

There's a girl walking in these shoes
And she knows that everythings she got
Is all she's got to lose
There's a dream right behind these eyes
And she finds a reason to be strong with every tear she dries
Being hard to fight the way things are
So she leaves the world behind
When the sound of doubts turned up so loud
She turns the music up inside

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
She knows that a flower grows everytime it rains
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow ain't what it seems
She might not solve a mystery tonight
But this girl's gonna be alright

She knows it's so much she's never seen
But time will allow her to find out what it means

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
She knows that a flower grows everytime it rains
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow ain't what it seems
She might not solve a mystery tonight
But this girl's gonna be alright

Alright, alright
But this girl's gonna be alright
She's gonna be alright, alright
But this girl's gonna be alright

This song reminds me of someone I know very well... The story about the persona is very direct. The meaning of the song is obvious. The story is about a girl who have been troubled. Despite being troubled, she see things positively... even with her troubles, she still dream for brighter days. Yet, she is confident that everything will end up okay.

The person I know happens to be lying within the pits of darkness. She cried and she felt like there was nothing left for her. She was lied to. It seems like there was never-ending problems in her life. At first, she felt like the world was closing in on her. She was betrayed by the person she trusted with her life with.

Now, even with such past mistakes and pain, she thinks that there is more to life. She moved on. Although when there is a stormy day, there will be the sun shining brightly for her. She knew there is a future waiting for her. She needs to start anew. She is determine to start a new life. She may have seen endless thunderstorms but... at the end of the day, she knows, she will win the battle. She will overcome the pain she had endured. She might have been emotionally abused... she knows, somehow, someday, everything will be better for her.

Heck.

That girl is me...

HOLY SHIT!

I can't STOP laughing! I saw something... extremely disgusting and funny. I am not going to put any link onto my blog entry. I am not going to mention any names or hint any but IF I WAS A GIRL THAT FAT... (damn, I am glad I am more gorgeous than that!) I won't want to even leave my house. Yet, I admire that girl because she's got all the guts in the world to show her fugly self. Ditto!

Damn, it is not I find it funny but I am glad that there are people who are fat (no, OBESE) and very confident with themselves. Bloody hell. I wish I had that confidence. To think I am NOT AS FAT (and fugly) yet, I am NEVER confident with myself and my body. It is sad, huh?

For instance, Valentina Hasan of the Bulgarian Idol who sang Ken Lee. Haha! When the judges asked her what language it was and she said ENGLISH! Woman, you sang Without You in gibberish and you confidently say it is English? Damn! I wish I had your confidence.

Ken lee, tulibudibu dochou... Ken lee... ken lee meju moorr!!

Damn, I am a size 18... That is considered big yet what size are you girl? Size 32? Good lord! Owh GOODNESS GRACIOUS LORD!

I should stop. I need to shower. I promised to fetch Aunty Mimi up at 10.30 am!! :D

Life of Agony

I did a search on David Caputo, the guy who sang with Sharon den Adel (Within Temptation) for What Have You Done and this is what I found and fell in love with :)

"I am"

I am hidden like love and the heart.
I am silent In the time of silence.
I am a fish In the dustless moon.

I am the sake of blood lappin blood devouring.
I am the image In which she has made.
I am ridding this world of the trouble.

I am every dawn out of love like the sun.
I am happy because of this unseen journey.
I am the mirror of every dream and every scent.

I am the presence of ‘she’ who knows all the secrets.
I am the eyes from your face I would never remove.
I am the soul of the soul we come shoulder to shoulder.

I am glad cause thorns grow from me.
I am like the wine I have brought you as a present.
I am your banquet, I go round for whatever (thing) you are thinking.

I am this very Instant from yourself.
I am without a tongue In everlasting fortune.
I am burning with sweetness for I have no need for this world.

I am Intoxicated for I have beheaded the helpless one.
I am your honey you are my eye and tongue.
I am day and night, for I have no knowledge of dawn.

© 2008 keith caputo

The dude is a poet! It is a beautiful poem. Although, his music can't seem to enter my mind. Haha! But I love Keith's voice in What Have You Done. With a voice like his, he should since more rock music!

Hehe, I am back loving this next song.. I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance.

Well when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way

When after all this time that you still owe
You're still, a good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
Is where you oughta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow

So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whooa

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Well come on, come on

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday"

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

That is my message to M. Really. Enough pain and agony in my life. ENOUGH.

Oh Why Can't I Be What You Need

I was in Adeeb's Facebook profile page and I found something extraordinary and a statement of truth.

Some people will say that i'm a joke
Some people will say that i'm a poser
Some people will say that i'm too emotional
Some people will say that i'm a loser

but what ever people say bout me .....i'm still me.

Damn right, you are! Who the fuck are people to say such shit about you? I mean seriously, why should we bother with how people think about us. Yeah, we might be different but all differences have its own special trait.

A person might be blind but don't think that blind person has no special ability. No one is perfect. I still don't get people who think that they are so beautiful when they don't realise that because of their confidence... they end up slutty... It is weird how people could be sometimes.

And I also don't understand people who are already good looking, still think that they are not pretty or handsome enough... Gosh. People nowadays.

I rant too much, huh? *chuckles* Out now. I can't stand it. My eyes are heavy. I am feeling rather moody. Thanks to that egoistic fucking idiot... and to think I told someone that I wanted to be happy in the day and someone had to come and fuck it up for me... bloody hell...

This is making me think of a song... Autumns Monolouge by From Autumn to Ashes...

'Oh why can't I be want you need, A new improved version of me, But I'm nothing so good, No I'm nothing'

I think, I think too much. Actually, yes, I do think a little bit too much. I think too much that I kill myself most of the time. ARGH! I SHOULD STOP THINKING TOO MUCH OVER PATTY THINGS! In the past, I would say, "I need a drink..." Now...?

"I need to sleep~"

What Have You Done?

What Have You Done?
Within Temptation [feat. Keith Caputo]

Would you mind if I hurt you?
Understand that I need to
Wish that I had other choices
than to harm the one I love

What have you done now?!

I know I'd better stop trying
You know that there's no denying
I won't show mercy on you now
I know, should stop believing
I know, there's no retrieving
It's over now, what have you done?

What have you done now?!

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you

What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!

Would you mind if I killed you?
Would you mind if I tried to?
'cause you have turned into my worst enemy
You carry hate that I don't feel
It's over now
What have you done?

What have you done now?!

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
What have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you

What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!
What have you done now, what have you done?...

I will not fall, won't let it go
We will be free when it ends

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
What have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
What have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer
There's a curse between us, between me and you

* * * * *

Is it just me or I tend to relate myself with songs by Within Temptation?

BREAK:- notice that I've been using song titles or lines of a song in my blog nowadays? That shows how bored I am.

Okay, back to where I stopped. I have been listening to Within Temptation almost non-stop lately. I have been feeling like a feminist lately. Is it a good thing? No. It is NOT a good thing. I am starting to think that guys are typical... Seriously.

How I relate myself to the song above? If you know my story with M, you will know how direct those lyrics are with my life. I am fed up. Okay, I was glad I could remain in a relationship for a long time... but then, when I think about it, why should I waste my time hoping for someone who isn't willing to change for the better... all for the sake of me? Instead of killing myself much more, I might as well... let go. I don't want anymore pain. I've suffered long enough.

I hadn't finished ranting about my life... I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I don't deserve these tears. I want laughter. I want smiles. I want... my life... I want what I deserve.

Jutology meeting on MSN Messenger! Eeps! Gotta roll and advance to the next level! HAHAHA!!