Why?
What is the point of loving someone who doesn't make you feel appreciated? What is the point of loving someone who hurt you over and over without saying sorry?
He may have told me that he loved me... yesterday... my answer was, "If you had truly loved me, why did you hurt my feelings like I deserved it? And you didn't care how I felt towards you... what I was facing... You didn't show me you cared... until when do I have to suffer like this?"
What did I do to him to make myself suffer this way? Where did I go wrong until he changed drastically? I gave him all of my heart. Yet, it was my heart he shattered. I got over him but it still hurts. The thought of getting your heart broken again and again scares me... I don't want to feel the same pain I felt when I was with M... I cannot stand it anymore.
Rose (in the Neil Gaiman's Sandman) was right...
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love.
She was right... I got pessimistic towards love because of that one stupid person. He took my heart hostage... then at the end of the day, he killed the trust within and for a year, I had to put up with my patience and the pain... I had confidence in him that he will change for the better but... I was proven otherwise. I still remain loyal to him.
Only recently, I decided to be stronger than him. I decided that I should be stronger than him. I had enough of people coming up to me saying, "Ja, I pity you..."
ENOUGH, damn it! ENOUGH!
How much longer do I have to suffer? Instead of letting myself suffer, what did I do? I got out from the cage he kept me in for too long... I had the free will to get out on my own but I willingly locked myself in... until one fateful day. The day my locked but broken heart opened itself and healed itself. Only that one fateful day, I decided to let myself free... I don't want to be the songless bird in the cage. I want to fly. I want to be set free. I am not just a pet. I am not a doll. I am. Me. I need my life.
I am glad that someone else had gave me the will to go on. I intend to protect him from M's knowledge. Even if I had to get myself beaten up by M even, I will protect my saviour. He had saved me. He was the person who saved me from myself. He saved me from the biggest threat in my life...
Myself...
*sighs* How am I the biggest threat to my own self...? I tend to spoil what God had given me... Hence the 2 inches mark on my left arm. When I look at my scar, I hate it. I curse at it. I get angry at myself... back then, no one was there to save me... Even I didn't think straight when I was lost within my wrath... That is what I got from my own doing.
When I think back, why did I do it? What was I thinking? Yet, it was I myself who drove to the clinic to get my arm stitched when he didn't anything about it... It was his sister who started panicking. As for him... he did nothing. Instead. He got angry with me.
So, what is the point of being with a guy who didn't care? You were willing to even take your life just for him. Yet, he did nothing at the end of the day.
The reason why I am blogging all this down is because I want people to know this:-
"Do not appreciate someone at the last minute... at the moment you realised that you've lost them..."
And I intend to put all this pain behind me. By letting out, there should be some feeling of relieve.
The thing with M now is... now that he realised that he had lost me, he decides to come looking for me when I don't want him to. When all I want to do is disappear from him. When all I want to do is not be with him. Despite all the hurt he did to me. He never once said sorry to me for his mistakes and sins. I never once forgave him although I said I did. Yet, deep within me, I know, I didn't even forgive him at all.
He hurt me once, twice and thrice... there will not be a fourth time since I gave him a year to prove to me that he really did love me... which he didn't.
Now, I say:- I deserve someone better than M... someone like my saviour... I just hope that my saviour isn't the same mistake as M...
My thanks to Adeeb who told me this, "your love garden will bloom sooner than you think"... *sighs* I hope he is right. I want someone who will add to my happiness... someone who will make my life complete. Someone who will save me. Over and over. From myself...
This post is dedicated to My Saviour.
Some things are better left unspoken.
