WARNING: This post may contain a lot of harsh words...
Since last year, I learned to hate August... August is supposed to be a happy month for everyone else. August is a month of independence. August is a month of freedom.
For my country. But. Not for me.
August (2007), reminds me of the month where I walked into the biggest trap ever. The month which started it all. The month responsible for all this hurt and pain.
How much do I hate August?
Very much and if I were God, I'd get rid of August. It is to that extend that August makes me feel miserable. August makes me feel like jumping off the Civic Centre. August makes me feel like every time I go play bowling, I'd miss every pin every time. August makes me feel like a rotten egg or the Ugly Duckling...
In another way, August makes me feel alone. Unwanted. Unloved.
Why do I hate August so much?
I hated August since last year because of some SADISTIC f**king bastard who changed the life of someone I used to really care for. It was that same bastard who claimed that he never changed that person's attitude. Right. Although it was that person's stupid decision to be as lowly as that sadistic f**king bastard... and though that person did say things like, "I hate that (name)... He is the king of all liars"...
Dude, there is a mirror somewhere, go look into it and look at that bastard's monster. You are exactly the same. Only towards me. And your family. Maybe I love your mother more than YOU do. Do you even love your mother at all? *rolls her eyes*
I had hold my patience for a year now. This year, August 2008, I decided to give up. I decided to let go the one person I'd never thought of letting go. I was texting Kak Lin (whose birthday was yesterday) and she told me not to go back to him. It was his lost. His lost because I was loyal and loving towards him. Yet, I wasn't appreciated.
Even if he does want us to get back together, I won't want to. He was given the chance for over a year. Enough. He's too late. And, I don't want to risk anymore tears to go through. I want only happiness. I only want to be what I used to be. Happy-go-lucky me. Which, I am not because I lost most of my friends because of him. And to think, I was willing to even wait for him to be like how he used to be... yet, eventually, I gave up.
Why did God made me the faithful person that I am? Yet give me such challenge to face? I know that He is testing me to try my patience but this is too much... Everytime, I get myself someone I care for, this is what I get... Owh God, why do I feel pathetic?
I love this part of this song called Never Too Late by Three Days Grace.
Since last year, I learned to hate August... August is supposed to be a happy month for everyone else. August is a month of independence. August is a month of freedom.
For my country. But. Not for me.
August (2007), reminds me of the month where I walked into the biggest trap ever. The month which started it all. The month responsible for all this hurt and pain.
How much do I hate August?
Very much and if I were God, I'd get rid of August. It is to that extend that August makes me feel miserable. August makes me feel like jumping off the Civic Centre. August makes me feel like every time I go play bowling, I'd miss every pin every time. August makes me feel like a rotten egg or the Ugly Duckling...
In another way, August makes me feel alone. Unwanted. Unloved.
Why do I hate August so much?
I hated August since last year because of some SADISTIC f**king bastard who changed the life of someone I used to really care for. It was that same bastard who claimed that he never changed that person's attitude. Right. Although it was that person's stupid decision to be as lowly as that sadistic f**king bastard... and though that person did say things like, "I hate that (name)... He is the king of all liars"...
Dude, there is a mirror somewhere, go look into it and look at that bastard's monster. You are exactly the same. Only towards me. And your family. Maybe I love your mother more than YOU do. Do you even love your mother at all? *rolls her eyes*
I had hold my patience for a year now. This year, August 2008, I decided to give up. I decided to let go the one person I'd never thought of letting go. I was texting Kak Lin (whose birthday was yesterday) and she told me not to go back to him. It was his lost. His lost because I was loyal and loving towards him. Yet, I wasn't appreciated.
Even if he does want us to get back together, I won't want to. He was given the chance for over a year. Enough. He's too late. And, I don't want to risk anymore tears to go through. I want only happiness. I only want to be what I used to be. Happy-go-lucky me. Which, I am not because I lost most of my friends because of him. And to think, I was willing to even wait for him to be like how he used to be... yet, eventually, I gave up.
Why did God made me the faithful person that I am? Yet give me such challenge to face? I know that He is testing me to try my patience but this is too much... Everytime, I get myself someone I care for, this is what I get... Owh God, why do I feel pathetic?
I love this part of this song called Never Too Late by Three Days Grace.
The world we knew won't come back,
The time we've lost can't get back,
The life we had won't be ours again
There are some truth behind it. Well, despite me being the way I am now. After almost 3 years of being in a relationship. I am proud to say that I am single. Why? I don't have to worry about that idiot anymore. If he had truly cared for me, he would have changed. But what Kak Lin told me via text messages, he is not for me. He didn't appreciate my existance.
I intend to change my life. It may hurt. Yet, I have to admit, I am happy in a way that I am free from my misery and limitation of a life. In other words, I am free. Though, in this life, all I want is someone to actually be there for me. Someone I can share my secrets with. Someone who I can find comfort with. Someone who will understand me and won't change just because of the words of others. I hope. He will only add to my happiness.
Although August is the cause of me being emo like I am now, I am slowly becoming happy. Happier that I've been for a whole year of rainstorms. Just that, August kills the happiness within me.
HOPEFULLY, this will relieve me from my hurt and pain. I am feeling rather placid. Yet at the same time, I am still feeling as rotten as I did when I woke up earlier on. I can feel like today is not going to make any difference. Yesterday was a relieve but it was only for a little while. If only it would last.
Despite being hurt this way, it doesn't mean that IF I do get into a relationship, I would hurt the person I am with. I will never do that to a person because like all human, we all have feelings and I don't want any pity from anybody. I am building myself to get stronger when people make me feel like shit and no one has the rights to do any of that to anyone else.
We all deserve someone in our lives... and determination. PLUS, happiness and sunshine.
With this black cloud hovering over me, I would love a little sunshine. Have I found my sunshine? Not really. Although I would like it if I did~
Someday, I know I will find my sunshine again... and August won't be such a painful month to go through... August will be a happy month like how it used to be. August will be beautiful. And peaceful.
We all deserve some happiness. Even me.
