After 15 Years.

It is weird to have a baby around the house now. The last time we had babies in the house was 15 years ago. When Nuril was born.

Can't get over it that my Embok Fariah has a baby. It feels like it was only a few months ago she got married! Haha!

Owh well :)

About Yesterday

Yesterday was the nicest day. I had a lot of surprises. Pleasant surprises. One of it was:-

My official niece :)

She shares the same birthday as Nuril.

Her name? Puteri Athena Mohd Syukri (to be confirmed). Arieanna has a new cousin! I am so happy.

Life have been better lately...

The little Princess is actually a month early from her due date. She weights 2.79 kg and is 48 cm long! :D Another Libran in Embok Fariah's life! She can now sit down and write that book.

She was born at 7.55 pm.

We were actually celebrating Nuril's birthday at Secret Recipe (The Spring) when the Princess was born! And we sang Happy Birthday at 8 pm. It was literally for Princess Athena!

I am so happy. Nothing seem wrong today. I am tired from running around but it is all for my elder sister.

Syuk came back just in time. Maybe that is why Athena decided to come into the world! Just in time for Raya and for her Daddy! :D

I am glad Embok Fariah and Athena are okay...

Flaws of Others

I don't get it why when it comes to seeing other people's significant other's flaws. We often open our eyes wide but when it comes to your own significant other. We close our eyes? It's sick. Sad and bias.

The thing is people tend to instigate others about their boyfriends/girlfriends without realising that their boyfriend/girlfriend has the exact same behaviour. It is almost like the pot calling the kettle black. In the past, I had problems with my boyfriend and people often instigate me to break up with him and often bad mouth him in front of me. I have seen how my other friends' boyfriend/girlfriend treat them. *sighs* Worse than M had ever treated me. Yet... isk!

I still don't get it... why people tend to see the flaws of other people's significant others when they don't realise the flaws of their own. Ain't that being a hypocrite?

Hey, at least I don't INSTIGATE anyone to leave their significant other. All I do is tell them to think about it. Up to them if they want to continue beating themself up because of one person who doesn't seem to care about them. I was INSTIGATED once and I didn't listen, now I know why they INSTIGATE me to do so. Yet, these are the people who DO NOT realise that they are beating themselves up because of someone.

Later they start bitching and whining saying that their significant other doesn't understand them and so forth. Really. If you think he or she doesn't care, don't bother continuing then... I am instigating now... because I have been there before. But then, I don't want to instigate because I will be the bad person eventually. It is sickeningly annoying to see people being a hypocrite. What to do? They exist!

What to do?

Sometimes, I Gets...

Annoying when you get your hopes up and suddenly it shatters...

It gets worse when you are feeling sick and people talk as if only they have feelings PLUS...

I hate it most when people...

Type like this:-

Why do I fil like a retard typing like dis? I dun get it y people tink dis is so cool. It hurts my eyes reading ol dis. It waste a little bit of my brain cells juz to interprete wat dey are trying to say. Dey tink it is cool but I tink it is retarded and annoying. By typing like diz you are wasting people's time trying to figure out wat you are trying to say. Wer haf de education of English gone to? Wat is de point of studying English in skul and speking de language wen you can't use it properly? People diz days are lazy to spend sum time spelling properly. It may be convenient but it is annoying. How? You are actually wasting people's time reading it. Most of ol, it makes you LAZY! You nid to be more clear when dilivering a message!! Wateva it is, I tink it is stil annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD FORBID ME FROM USING SUCH RETARDED ENGLISH SPELLINGS. I feel that it is easier for me to deliver a message if I were to take some time to type every single word in full. Am I being a typical literature student? I mean, I was taught how to spell properly why should I spell something lazily when there is an actual spelling.

If you were to send an application to Oxford or Cambridge... they won't even look at your application twice. They see an error, they will throw it into the bin. It is worse when writing for an exam. They will fail you immediately.

To me, it is annoying. Why? I tend to waste time trying to figure out what a person is typing or texting when they use such spelling. It is annoying. REALLY ANNOYING. It is worse when I am cranky like I am now. *sighs*

People these days. Hip hop spoilt everything. They are the ones who started out with all those crappy spellings. This will ALWAYS be this. Not DIZ. Fucking hell. Bigger will always be bigger. NOT BIGGA.

*rolls her eyes* It actually took me longer than usual to type the section in yellow compared to the other sections of this blog post. Damn!

untitled

she sits at the corner
staring at her wrist
hoping to see red flowing for it
she picks up her knife
looks at it and pressed the blade
she wanted to slit open her wrist
she wanted to watch the red drip like paint
there was nothing for her to live for

COPYRIGHT JASIMA JUNAIDI

Why Does It Hurts Me So?

The truth was told today. It hurt me. He hurt me more. He knew it. Despite the mouth of others, he shouldn't have done what he did to me. He should have told me straight to the point. I would have known what to do. Instead, he hurt me so badly, I learnt to hate him.

TODAY, he HAD to tell me everything that had happened. Fucking hell, it killed me. I was so tempted to just take something sharp and slash him at the throat like how Sweeney Todd did! Why is it when it was too late, he come out of his closet?

He can try stealing my heart but it is not his anymore. Someone else stole it already. It hurts me because when I left him, I still cared only I was hurt. Now when I feel like I don't care, he comes out to clean his sins. Stupid!

Why must he hurt me so badly today? *sighs* I had enough of tears. I don't want anymore tears. I want to be happy. I want someone else to add to my happiness. I want... what I deserve most. Laughter.

I hope my next decision is correct. I don't want to end up in pain. I want him to be happy. I want my happiness. Though after 3 years being together but... for a year and a half, I was left to die alone but I survived. He explained to me he did what he did because he didn't want me to get involved in the heap of problems he was facing.

Why did you do what you did? Why didn't it occur to you I would turn around and walk away from you? Why...? Why didn't you think, by beating my heart up, you would end up losing someone who truly loved you? Why didn't you consider my feelings back then and only decide to consider my feelings now? Why didn't you listen to me in the first place when you knew I was trying to save you? And... most of all... why only now, you realise that you friends were only after your money? But not your friendship?

There is nothing I can do anymore. You lost me. It is not my fault and you actually dropped your ego to admit that. Brave thing to do. OR, did you realise that because I got stronger, I would challenge your ego?

I may still care but I don't care if you don't in any means or ways. Too many memories of you and me. Most were bad. Most makes me cry. Most makes me feel like begging to God that I want Death more than anything else... I loved but I wasn't loved in return.

NOW...

I may have fallen in love with someone else but... I don't think he has the same feeling towards me. I don't expect much from him but I wish I knew how he felt for me. And now, I had fallen out of love with you and I had fallen in love with him.

You said you won't find another after me. You can lie to me to make me feel good that I made you the way you are now but if you were willing to hurt me when you were in a relationship with me, there is no doubt for you to actually get into another relationship a few minutes after I left your heart. I had waited for you... but you never came. You only came when you were too late... you came when I stopped loving you.

I remembered what I said, "I'll wait for you" but keep in mind, I can't wait forever.. especially after getting my heart beaten up so badly... I was cursed at and I endured. I didn't get what I was looking for. I didn't get what I wanted. You know that I had been the most loyal of all the girls you've dated. The only one who endured everything despite being cursed at and other things.

Things. Happened for a reason. I am glad you claim to regret. You deserved it. Hope you will learn from that but you gave a bad impression to many friends of mine. So, it is hard for me to accept you back into my life. You caused me so much pain. It is only fair, I do the same.

Before The Disappearance

I have a story to tell...

Not only I hate my keyboard but today, Nuril and I truly turn a lot of heads around :D I was out since morning and I wore my Liverpool jersey. So, when I went home to fetch Nuril to get dinner, I had a weird feeling she would wear her new Arsenal jersey.

To my surprised, I saw her walking out of the door wearing her Arsenal jersey. I laughed and she stopped dead, also, only to laugh. She came into the car and said, "I had a feeling you would wear your jersey today!"

It was hilarious. It was like as if we made a promise to wear our jerseys. Haha! So, we went to Tun Jugah and I noticed a lot of people were kinda looking at us because we were girls, wearing our favorite football team jerseys. To think these two girls, who came together, were wearing different teams and if people knew she was my sister would have thought, "One sister support Liverpool. The other support Arsenal."

It happened. Don't think it didn't. It happened at Hopoh! Apparently, Nuril heard the conversation when she went to the waffle stand. He told his friend he saw one girl wearing a Liverpool jersey and then he saw Nuril and said, "The other one was wearing an Arsenal jersey!" as he indicated it was Nuril there.

Seriously. Today, Nuril and I really got the 'stop and stare' treatment. People were looking at us as if we were aliens. Hello? What to do if we are GIRLS who love football and support our favorite teams? Wait. What to do if we have different favorite teams when we are sisters? Haha! I think that is why people stopped and stared at us.

It was a nice evening though for us. Because. We actually made people realised that we girls want equal rights. Those with prejudice can go rot in hell :D

NOTICE

I MIGHT NOT COME ONLINE.

I MIGHT WANT TO OFF MY DIGI UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

AND... I MIGHT NOT DO WHAT I NORMALLY DO EVERY SINGLE DAY...

THINKING OF DISAPPEARING FOR THE TIME BEING.

I NEED TO BE ALONE!

Thanks.

The Angst Within

Sometimes. I wish. God would cut the fun by cutting my life short... that way, I won't have to cry or go through anymore pain...

I had enough... Was thinking of yesterday actually. I am curious to know his story but at the same time I don't want to see his face. I had enough. I am over him. No more. Enough torture.

I want happiness. I want to smile again. I want. My old self. Back.

I am through feeling suicidal.. I just want my happiness back. *sighs*

I hate this keyboard...

When It Is Too Late...

Why is it when it is too late only then he realises his sins and mistakes? Why is it only then he realised that he did a fatal mistake towards me.

Quite honestly, the best thing he's told me today was, "I know the pain you had to endure... I shouldn't have done that to you... you were the best thing that have ever happened to me... Whoever will get you in the future is lucky... You were so loyal to me and yet, I played with your heart... I regretted for being close to N and even P. Now I lost you. I got a loyal and patient girlfriend... but I hurt you. Your new boyfriend will be so lucky. I was lucky and I am thankful I could feel real love before this. I just hope your new boyfriend won't hurt you the way I did. Yet, if you need help, just let me know. I will come for you. You are too good to be let go of but since you are the one who left me... I deserved it... I hurt you and you need to go free..."

Well. You lost me. See? My mistake was being too loyal. I won the battle. How? He cried when he was on the phone with me. I admit, I was crying eyeballs out but then I wasn't sad. I was angry. I was JADED! I was at the edge of screaming my lungs out.

I want him to move on. I want him to accept the fact that all his actions weren't the way to make us both happy. It wasn't the right move. He knew his mistakes. Finally. After a year plus but he was TOO LATE. He knew I don't love him anymore.

When he asked me, "How did you manage to forget me?"

And I simply said, "I recall all the pain you gave me. I loved you but you caused me too much pain. I had to forget you and all our sweet memories. I don't want to hurt anymore..."

What did he say? "You are too good to be forgotten... You had been too patient with me. You never did anything wrong towards me..."

I am not perfect but I try to keep a relationship. That is just the way I am. At the beginning of the problem with M, I gracefully took the blame for not being able to be what he wanted me to be yet when I think about it, with me getting beaten up emotionally, I managed to think, "Why should I take the blame? I was being loyal. I never TOYED with his heart... Why am I beating myself up this way?" That is when I tried to become stronger. I started hanging out with my old friends again and made new friends and brought some friends closer to my heart.

He left me alone for too long, good thing, too. I became stronger. I still have hope within me. Until early August, I gave up. I knew it was the best decision I've made in my life. He left me a scar on my arm. That is the only reminder of him...

I admit, as much as I cry about it. I DO NOT LOVE HIM. The love died. Enough beating up of my heart. Please. No more. I don't want to hurt anymore. I had been loyal. I had been faithful. What I get in return? Pain and agony. Yet, his words, "The next guy after me will be lucky to get your love..." Although I was hurt badly, I will NEVER cheat on my boyfriend. It is not right. I don't mind getting hurt or being left because of a job but I won't tolerate being cheated on.

I loved and I was willing to get hurt. It is okay. I have my justice. Anyway, I have a song I want to share. It is an emo song. Haha! It is by Hawthorne Heights.

Ohio Is For Lovers



Hey there,
I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all.
Where you are and how you feel.
With these lights off as these wheels
keep rolling on and on. (and on and on and on...)
Slow things down or speed them up.
Not enough or way too much. (and on and on and on...)
How are you when I'm gone?

[Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

Spare me just three last words.
"I love you" is all she heard.
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.
[x2]

[Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

(YOU...KILL...ME...WELL)
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
My final breath is gone
So I can fall asleep tonight

[Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

(YOU...KILL...ME...WELL)
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.
[to fade]

Only, my heart is NOT in Ohio. It is somewhere else. Hawthorne Heights got plenty of song reflecting a bit of my life. Owh well. But I am still sticking to The Show Must Go On.

The show must go on... Inside my heart is breaking... my make up maybe flaking... but my smile still stays on...

Hmm. I wish I could forget the past entirely but 3 years is no joke. I am stopped from admitting my feelings to someone though. I don't want that someone to think that I am only doing so because that someone is my rebound. No. I am being honest with myself.

Ah. Forget it. Head hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore feelings. I mean. I may not toy a person's heart but my actions in handling my recent problems might hurt that person's feeling. *sighs* I need someone's shoulder to cry on. Someone to save me but I am okay on my own for the time being. I just need to go somewhere far and scream my lungs out.

It is too late. For him. This happens when love die. This happens when there is no more feelings or emotions. My heart? Bleeding as it is, had been stolen by someone. Who might or might not know it... I hope, I know what I am doing. Seriously.

Will it be too late for me even? I sure hope not... Another hearthache will just kill me off. Why can't God cut the fun and just end me here?...

ARGH! ENOUGH JA, ENOUGH! :( STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP WITH QUESTIONS YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO!! ENOUGH!!!!!!!

Mood Swing

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me today. I wasn't feeling too happy since this morning. It is not because of the Liverpool results but...

Hey, I just remembered. I thought about this in the car, on the way home.

I am NOT looking forward to Hari Raya. Last year, it was unreasonably reasonable for me to not look forward to Hari Raya... this year... it is reasonable why I am NOT looking forward to Hari Raya.

*sighs* Beginning to hate my life. Seriously.

Thoughts

I have to admit. There is no doubt that I have hatred within my heart but then when I think about M... it makes me angry and sad. No, I am not upset that we have nothing between us, I am sad because he was more willing to listen to people's instigation rather than to listen to me telling him and trying to guide him.

Owh well. Good thing it happened. If it didn't happen, I won't be where I am now. He knows we have nothing in between us. He told Adeeb. He told Adeeb I left him. Damn right but he gave Adeeb the wrong reason. He told Adeeb, he was sure I left him because of another guy.

*roars in laughter*

My dear, I left you because I couldn't stand being mistreated by you! I was abused emotionally, physically and verbally. I don't want all those anymore. Enough of those. I was so loyal when you were sleeping around. So? It is fair to myself that I leave you!

Owh well. Some people! Hehe!

Whatever it is, I am happier now. I know when with him, I tend to cry alot. Especially after his love affair with that girl. So, with him OUT of my life, I maybe happier but there is a fear. He seem to put Adeeb into the picture! STUPID! I would feel LESBIAN if Adeeb and I would enter a relationship besides, Adeeb is my best friend. There is no special feelings towards him.

And. Only Adeeb knows the person who've stolen my heart ;)

If...

"I support a team where there is Cristiano Ronaldo (or Frank Lampard) but you support a team where there is Fernando Torres... I wished I could be like Ronaldo (or Lampard) but for you, I would be your Torres"

If I get a note like that... Damn. That will be the best thing ever to happen to me this year.

If some miracle happen. I thank God.

Potsy. Why Potsy?

Some people. *sighs* Just don't realise who they mess with or know how to handle it.

Stupid. STUPID! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Today Seems Better...

After yesterday, I think today can be considered a good day despite me being feverish all afternoon. Thank God David understood when I was dozing off in class... I did tell him if I feel like it, I might leave the class early and the latest by 3.30 pm if I don't leave the class, I will stay on till 4 pm. So, when 3.30 pm rolled by, he turned to me and said, "Ah, you are still here, so you are well enough to stay.." And I told him, weakly and assurely, "Still drowsy though." And he laughed and said, "I know I can put you guys to sleep!"

I was tempted not to laugh. It was true. David has a very soothing voice. If I were a baby, I think I would fall asleep there and then but I know he tries hard enough to keep us alive in Contract Law, Common Law and Reasoning and Public Law. Haha! As long as he tries. It is okay! :D

Today. I feel good. Not great. But good. I was still too unwell to consider today being a GREAT day. It wasn't much of a great day but I enjoyed today...

Will blog when I get ideas on what to blog about.

Just Kill Me Already

After yesterday, I wish I were dead. Yet... when I think about it...

Who needs bastards like him, when I have awesome people around me. People who cares about me around me?

Seriously. What he did yesterday was unforgivable! He shouldn't have done what he did yesterday. It made me angry. Frustrated. Most of all embarrassed!

If you had cared about me that much, you wouldn't have done such things. You wouldn't have cursed me in front of my friends. You would have respected me. But what you did? You cursed at me! What justice is that? Why do you make yourself look so desperate?

When I was still with him, when he tortured me the way he did. I got angry but I don't curse at him over the phone in front of his friends. He had to go overboard by sleeping at that slut's house. So? What justice is there for me to actually stand my ground at that time? I advised him. Hoping there was still hope. Yet, he NEVER listened to me. He never listened to those who tried to save him. He never listened to those who wanted him to be free from all those shit.

NOW, it is too late. When it is a bit too late, he comes back running. Mother fucking asshole that he is. I cannot believe I used to care for him. Those days, he was different. After he met her... no. THEM. It changed.

Personally, I am happier now without him. Within that series of event, I was always in tears. I was always feeling sick. I was always attempting suicide. I often beat myself up with my thoughts and most of all, I was often looking for sharp objects. After I decided that life was BETTER without him all those disappeared. After that dream God gave me one night in August. After I found out my own secret. After I found out that there might be someone who will or had save(d) me from falling.

I don't want to share my life with someone who obviously not care about me. He never asks me if I am feeling well. He never told me to rest when I needed rest or he never bothered even to ask me to eat when I was hungry. He never cared.

I like what I found... It is true actually. Owh well. M was never meant for me. I don't think I want to think of him within my future. He hurt me too much. I want someone who appreciates me. The thing about M is, he likes to shout at me. I hate it. He is always angry at me for something I didn't do on purpose. Something I know I am not at fault for. Like yesterday.

I felt embarrassed because he went to Adeeb's place. Insisting on looking for me. And then cursed me in front of my friends (new friends, too!) Damn, why? I hate the event that happened yesterday.

My tonsillitis just got bad, didn't it? I can't seem to swallow my saliva without feeling the pain. I have to end up in class today... even if my head hurts. I intend to leave the house early today. I want to be early, if I feel like I can't stand the pain anymore, I will leave. Since I am not fasting, I think I should go somewhere to buy food. My headache is back.

Most of my crisis is feeling all this pain because of M. He had given me nothing but pain and sadness. I hope the next person would make me feel appreciated and loved. I hope he is worth my time. I hope he won't hurt me the way M did. I hope. He respects me for being me. *sighs* I don't want to repeat the same mistake I did with M. No more. Please.

I think I should go. It is dawn. I should nap in case it does me good so I can go down for classes without feeling too sickly.

*sighs* I hope Adeeb can take his 'rims' off today! I miss going out with him. I am over and done of being a photographer for the time being! :D I want to be a model, too! Haha!

Beating Myself Up

Why? Why do I enjoy beating myself up? How do I beat myself up? I tend to bottle my feelings in. It is not good but then... I am a person with a lot of secrets. Considering even M can't decipher the code within me. I only let out if I know I can't hold it any longer.

Smile even when the world is sad because when you smile you spread the happiness.

Smile even when you are hurting because when you smile you take the pain away from someone who is in severe pain.

Smile even when you are sad because when you smile you make someone's day bright.

No doubt those words are beautiful but... Those words are... nothing but mere thoughts. Just to share because I care. Yet, I don't follow that rule *sighs* I don't go by my own words. I don't follow my own words.

I pretty much am feeling rather down and tired. Yet, I beat myself up.

I feel like I am falling apart. I don't know why. It had been a great day today despite the sudden feeling of frustrations. I wish I knew why.

It feels like... I am falling into this bottomless pit... Not knowing what is the fate I have when I finally reach the bottom. Damn, I hate August and September. Both months are bad months for me. I wish I could just get out of class tomorrow or even skip class tomorrow just to let myself go. Just to scream my heart out!

Anyway, I have been addicted to this song (originally by Queen) but I happened to like this version by American Idol, Carly Smithson.

Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The Show must go on!
The Show must go on!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i'm learning
I must be warmer now..
I'll soon be turning round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

The Show must go on!
The Show must go on! Yeah!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking!
But my smile, still, stays on!
Yeah! oh oh oh

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,
I can fly, my friends!

The Show must go on! Yeah!
The Show must go on!
I'll face it with a grin!
I'm never giving in!
On with the show!

I'll top the bill!
I'll overkill!
I have to find the will to carry on!
On with the,
On with the show!

The Show must go on.

I like this song. It is beautiful. The meaning, I mean. Damn, it is raining. The damn neighbour is firing those stupid air bomb things.

The rain. Representing my mood. My emotions. My tears. Only. I am not crying... I can't cry. The sudden sadness rushed through me. I have two wonderful friends (Seryna and Juliana) online to keep me entertained... :)

Good God, we are having this conversation about lesbianism. I think, I will end up lesbian. I am getting tired of the lies guys tell me. I am getting tired of the way they deceit me. When I am faithful, I am the one getting hurt at the end of the day... Maybe by being lesbian, my girlfriend would understand me. Yet. No one can be trusted these days.

I yet to find someone:--

• Who will take me for who I am.
• Who will love me for me and honestly.
• Who makes me smile when I am sad.
• Who catches me when I fall.
• Who catches my tears when it falls.
• Who actually cares for me when I am jaded or sick.
• Who misses me even we've met earlier on.
• Who will look for me when I disappear.
• Who appreciates my existence; and
• Who assures me that I am the only one he loves.......

I wish I can find someone with those criterias but there is no such thing as a Prince Charming or the Mr. Perfect. We all make mistakes. Some mistakes which causes the heart to get only a few scratches. Some mistakes which causes the heart to bleed continously.

Recently, my heart was stabbed and left to bleed. Only when it was too late, after stitching my own wounds, he comes with a band-aid. He is too late... My reminder remains on my left arm. The stupid thing I did. The prove of my loyalty. My only regret.

I am depressed. I am beating myself up with all these thoughts. I actually have another secret. I am hiding a very important secret from someone... I don't intend to tell him yet. Let it be only some of those who knows me well, know about it. This includes my younger sister.

I don't know what else to say... It is raining heavily and it distrupting my wireless... Owh well. I got to go now. I think I want to sleep. I got class at 9 am... and I don't intend to skip classes. I need to get through! LLB is no joke. Damn!

What I Can't Stand About...

Friendster is...

The attention craving whores in my list. I still don't get it. Must they announce that they are online and going offline? It is almost annoying!

And they use the bulletin board to curse at people. It is ANNOYING! If you want to kill a person, DO NOT USE FRIENDSTER AS YOUR THIRD PARTY APPLICATION! Go look for that person and kill him!

Annoying kids! Seriously annoying! I think if you were to put them in a boxing rink or something and tell them to fight to the death, they'd pee in their pants!

All talk. No action!

Maximum Cuteness

Hehe, ENJOY!

I hadn't had the time to blog because I've started classes now and when I do get home, I am often very tired... Excuse the disappearance~

The video is super cute. TRUST me!

Questions

There will be no fun if you know the answer to every question and if you know the thoughts and feelings of another person...

But at the same time, it hurts because you tend to question yourself and beat yourself up with more questions!

And I wish to know the thoughts of that one other person :(

Life is just pathetic. It is full of questions. Plenty of guessing games need to be played but...

If you guess wrongly, that is where it hurts BIG TIME :(

Damn

I am addicted to MySpace now. This is bad.

Enough said.

*sighs*

This is so my song for M. I cried when I read the lyrics.

Tiada guna kau kembali
Mengisi ruang hati ini
Semuanya telah berlalu
Bersama luka aku

Semua yang telah berlalu
Antara hatiku dan hatimu
Takkan ada cinta
Seperti yang dulu

Tiada guna kau berjanji
Untuk setia menemani
Hatiku yang telah terluka
Karena dustamu

Semua yang telah berakhir
Antara diriku dan dirimu
Takkan ada yang rindu
Seperti Yang dulu

This song has a deep meaning for me. I downloaded it. I cried. Really pierce my heart. I don't particularly like Ungu but this song really mean something to me. I have to let all my decisions stay firm.

M must know his wrongs towards me. I was too optimistic and too patient in the past. He must learn to appreciate. So, I have to teach him a lesson. May it be the hard way, he must be taught a lesson. A harsh lesson he will never forget.

A lesson, I myself had learnt over that period of time. A lesson for us both to realise our mistakes with each other...

Another Random Deliria...

Have you ever told anyone you were OK when you really weren’t?
= Yes. Just to make them feel that I was okay. I don't want them to start fretting over me. It is bad enough I was hurting. I don't want them to know how bad I feel deep within me.

Do you think anyone in general out there loves you?
= I sure hope so. Even if I strongly feel that I shouldn't love him anymore... I hope all his sorries were honest because I am immuned to his lies. He still owes me an explaination. About EVERYTHING since last year. We need time to talk and time alone.

What do you currently hear right now?
= Sempurna by Andra and the Backbone. Hehe! I love that song. it is a beautiful song. Haha! And that stupid dog barking for no reason!

Last person who told you things were going to be okay?
= Serena. I think. Hehe. About Jon. Haha! :D

Does the number 18 have any significance to you?= I don't think so. Hehe!

Be honest, do you like people in general?
= At times. I tend to dislike certain group of people. Owh well. I try not to dislike them unless they make me dislike them first! Haha!

What do you think your best friends doing right now?
= I don't know. I don't have a CCTV hovering over them. Yet. I think Serena is at home. Juliana might be at church. Adeeb? Probably dating the TV watching animes!

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
= Hadn't thought about it. YET.

What are you wearing right now?
= Tee shirt and jeans. As usual. I like being comfortable rather than being dressy for no reason.

What are you most looking forward to tomorrow?
= Not sure. Since. It is a Sunday tomorrow. Anything can come up tomorrow. Hehe!

Do you think you like anyone?
= Yes. I think I like someone :( I am not sure if I really like him because I cannot handle anymore rejection for the time being. I cannot handle any disappointment for the time being.

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours?
= Yes. Due to my heartbreak :( A few nights ago. Didn't sleep at all. Too much thoughs in my head that whole 2 days! :(

What is one thing you miss about your past?
= Honestly? The OLD him. The straight forward him. The him with no stupid excuses. The PARANOID over me him. I miss that one thing about my past. The time when he was so sweet and everything revolved around me. Everything we did, we did together. I miss that. Now? I walked out only because there seem to be no hope in him...

Are you jealous of anyone right now?
= What is the use? :( I might be jealous at the wrong place. So, I dare not say yes or no... I don't know what to say...

Do you like your first name?
= It is an honourable name. Of course...

Baseball or football?
= Football. Please. I hate baseball. Baseball is a bit confusing.

Would you ever forgive someone if they cheated on you?
= There are circumstances when chances should be given but after quite some time, if there is no improvements, better not turn back :( You can forgive but don't give in. Why am I saying all this when I am having second thoughts?

Is there anyone you hate? Who?
= I don't want to do hate. My hatred towards them will make them stronger. So? Why should I make them stronger? I don't want to be stronger than me. They can hate me all they want. I don't give a damn. It is their problem. Not mine.

What are you looking forward to in the next month?
= Just thought about it. My elder sister to give birth! I am going to be an official aunt! Yippie! :D And of course, people would think I am looking forward to Raya. I am not. As usual, Raya will be a lonely one. As usual, I will be alone on Raya. So, I am not counting on it. Not counting on it.

What color is your hair?
= Dark brown. I don't dye my hair. I don't want to damage my hair. It is damaged enough! :(

Are you single or taken?
= SINGLE and can be considered, boxing my heart away. I may have fallen for someone but I am not sure if that someone have the intention to actually catch me when I fall. I am afraid to open up my heart again. I cannot afford to let my heart bruise anymore than its already been bruised.

Do you regret doing something today?
= Nope. Today seems. Okay. I think.

When you think of the rainbow, what pops in your head?
= Leprachauns dancing and prancing and a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! I want to be rich like them leprachauns!

Have you lost contact with someone you miss?
= YES. Sad, huh? :(

Do you think you’re old?
= At times. Hey, 24 is an old age... It is no joke!

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
= No. I was weak back then. I was always crying back then. I was always so suicidal back then. Now, I know I am stronger than I used to be. I don't cry as much as I did... Most of all. I am not as suicidal as I used to be... I am still emotionally unstable though but... I know I have a ground to stand on...

Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else?
= Yes. Honestly. Yet when I think about it. I should be thankful that I have my own screwed up life to handle.

Do you talk a lot?
= When I am in a good mood. It tend to happen! When I am in a good mood, I am like the thing that wouldn't shut up! I can't stop talking! Hehe!

When was the last time you cried really hard?
= A few nights ago. I was feeling bad. I was feeling sad. I wanted that feeling to go away but I didn't have anyone I could talk to about it... I think I was chatting with Bang Lan that night... about something... Something that broke my heart. Something that... hurt me so much... something I wish never happened but... since it happened, there should be a reason why it happened.

If you could change your eye color would you?
= NO. I like my brown eyes.

Are you self conscious?
= I can be at times... and that is when I tend to get low self esteem! Damn!

Last bed you slept in and with who?
= My own. Alone. No one to sleep with. Spiritually... *sighs*

How many hours sleep did you get last night?
= I don't know. I didn't see the time I went to sleep last night! :D

Are you friends with any of your exes?
= Not all. I am close friends with one of them though... whenever I've got a problem, I'd call him up and ask him to go to the beach with me!

What music are you listening to?
= Currently? Indonesian pop/ballad. I am hooked. Again! :D Yet, some of the songs have some deep meaning to my life :( That is why I like Indonesian songs more than our Malaysian songs. Seriously.

Is there a member of the opposite gender on your mind?
= YES! :( I wish he knew though...

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
= Nope :( I wish I had someone to tell... After the incident of feeling numb, I don't think I want people to know anymore how I feel towards him.

Do you miss anyone?
= Yes :( and unfortunately... I don't think I want to think about it. No. Not now. It will only hurt me more just thinking about it. I was the one who left but I am the one who misses him. I miss someone else but I don't think there is a chance for me to be with him. Sad but true.

Are you growing apart from someone close?
= Yes. I am.

Do you have a facebook?
= I ABSOLUTELY LOVE FACEBOOK! It is better than Friendster actually. But come to think of it. Everything has its pros and cons. So... there is nothing much you can say about it. Friendster just got boring because they are so many attention seeking people on Friendster who tend to announce to the world on their bulletin board that they are online and offline. With Facebook, you've got the ON SITE CHAT. So you can tell if a person is online or not. Facebook rocks!

Are you living a lie?
= Life itself is a beautiful lie.. trust me. No life is perfect. No life is meant to be perfect.

Can a girl and a boy be best friends with out having feelings for each other?
= YES! Just like me and Adeeb. Adeeb is the one who said if he and I were to be an item, he'd feel gay because he sees me as a MALE FRIEND... and the same thought for me. I would feel lesbian because I see him as my FEMALE FRIEND! Hahah! Crazy, huh? ;)

Random Deliria...

Got this from Friendster. I am bored. Okay?

THREE NAMES THAT FRIENDS CALL YOU:
= Jaja
= Pusak
= Shanno

THREE MOST IMPORTANT DATES IN YOUR LIFE:
= my birthday
= parent's birthday
= sister's birthday

THREE THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST AN HOUR:
= went out
= sms
= chatting

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
= driving fast
= chilling with friends
= sleeping :)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AS OF NOW
= Sempurna - Andra and the Backbone
= Stand my Ground - Within Temptation
= Hanya Kau Yang Mampu - Aizat

THREE THINGS YOU LOVE IN A GUY/GIRL:
= the smile
= the way he respect someone
= the way he makes me laugh

THREE PEOPLE YOU MIss
= Arieanna
= my cousins (Daphne and Pat)
= that someone

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
= money
= Nikon SB800
= another Crumpler :D

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES
= driving around aimlessly
= photography
= blogging

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR NEXT VACATION:
= China
= Singapore
= anywhere but KL or outside Kuching

THREE FAVORITE CARTOON/ANIME CHARACTERS:
= Stitch
= Tamama (Sergeant Keroro)
= Raven (Teen Titans)

THREE MALLS YOU USUALLY GO TO:
= Spring
= Tun Jugah
= Sarawak Plaza

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS:
= iced Milo
= iced milk tea
= Chrysanthemum tea

THREE THINGS FOUND IN YOUR pocket:
= receipts
= lose change
= sweets

THREE FAVOURITE PERFUME
= Tommy Girl
= CK
= Adidas

THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
= black
= red
= green

TOP THREE HANGOUTS:
= here
= there
= anywhere

TOP THREE YOU LOVED SO MUCH:
= family
= my screwed up life
= my best friends

TOP THREE ATTITUDES YOU LIKE:
= always there despite of what the circumstances are
= supportive
= LOYAL

TOP THREE REASONS YOU ANSWER THIS SURVEY:
= bored out of my skull
= no idea on what to do
= waiting for time

What Is With...

... People in Friendster?

I don't understand why must they announce that they are online or going offline? Gosh.

Makes you wonder... if that person is an attention seeker. Perhaps?

Owh well. Kids. What do they know? But still, it is a wee bit annoying because my bulletin board is filled with "ONLINE" or "ON9" or "OFFLINE" or "OFF9". It gets annoying. If you are online. Just go online. There is no need for an announcement!

Darn.

Indonesian Songs Kick

SONG: Dik
ARTIST: Wali

Just thought of sharing another Indonesian song :D

Lyrics are as follow:-

Dik, aku pinta kau akan s’lalu setia
Dik, aku mohon kau s’lalu menemani
Saat ku tengah terluka
Kala ku tengah gundah

Reff:
Ku akan menjagamu
Di bangun dan tidurmu
Di semua mimpi dan nyatamu
Ku akan menjagamu
Tuk hidup dan matiku
Tak ingin, tak ingin kau rapuh

Dik, jangan engkau pergi tinggalkan aku oh…
Dik, ingin aku cinta dan cinta s’lalu
Saat kau tengah terluka
Kala kau tengah gundah

Back to Reff:

Kau akan menjagaku
Di bangun dan tidurku
Di semua mimpi dan nyataku
Kau akan menjagaku
Tuk hidup dan matiku
Tak ingin, tak ingin kau rapuh

Back to Reff

Hehe. Significance? I don't know. I don't really care. It is a nice song. That matters. I know what is wrong with me lately. I love Indonesian songs! Haha! Many of their songs have some meaning to me. I especially love Samsons and Kerispatih. They have many songs that reflexes my situation. Hehe!

Owh well. I want to listen to some Indon songs and I know Sempurna have been on repeat. 50 times in 2 days? That is obsession! I think more than 50 times 2 days... Haha! Reason why I like iTunes now! :D

Falling Apart

Never did I thought that I would feel this way,
The guilt and confusion eating me inside out,
I can feel my world falling apart,
I can feel the walls closing in on me,
I feel like ripping my chest open,
To show how my beating heart bleeds,
To show how much hurt it feels,
And to show the invisible cold knife piercing through it...
I am torn between the hill and the mountain,
Where shall I seek sanctuary,
Just to hide away from the world outside,
A world where only cruelty exist,
So little love is given,
And hate rules all,
My heart can't bear any longer,
All I want to do is breakdown and cry,
And wait for someone to fix the shattered pieces,
Of my shattered life...

© Jasima Junaidi

Head Hurts Because...

... yesterday, I realised that I still...

RUB IT OFF! GET THAT THOUGHT OFF MY MIND! DAMN IT! GET IT OUT FROM MY MIND!!!

There is no turning back. I started crying again as from last night. My chest hurts from all the confusion and the pain.

Did I once again fall for all those sweet words and lies? Did I once again realised that I am not as strong as I used to be?

OR...

Did I realise that I am meant to be where I am now? Within the darkness of my own heart? Am I meant to be in this position where I am not worthy of anybody? I wish I was given a sign. I wish... someone (not anyone in particular - since my expectations of a certain person is pretty much a zero is guaranteed) would save me now... *sighs*

I should stop thinking too much before I kill myself tonight. I hope somebody would make me laugh tonight...

Sempurna (Andra and the Backbone)

Just thought of sharing this video. I like this song. Thanks to Ted Adnan and company for (in a way) introducing this song! I am so outdated, aren't I?

Enjoy.

Ahead of You

You used to be ahead of me,
And when you realised you were too fast,
You slowed down and waited for me,
Only to take my hand and walk at my pace:
That was the you before,
Now...
You leave me behind,
I feel like the tortoise in a race with a hare,
You had to stop for a while and I went on,
Only to leave you behind...

As I continued my journey,
In a way I waited for you to run after me,
Yet you never did,
You stopped completely,
I stopped my journey,
Sitting alone by the side,
Watching Lovers passing me by,
Making me feel sick,
Only to make me feel more hatred towards them,
The flames of jealousy conquered my mind,
I waited only for you,
But you never came...

It rained and it poured,
No sunshine came through my path,
Until...
Someone stopped by from where I sat,
I saw that person's feet,
Hoping it was yours as my sight was unclear,
So I squint a little and saw a different face,
A familiar face,
An unexpected face,
He reached out his hand towards me,
Instantly I forgot why I was sitting at the side,
I forgot about you,
And all the pain you caused me in waiting,
I was saved from more pain,
And from the cold,
By someone else and it is not you,
I thank my Saviour for saving me,
And now,
I continue my journey,
Without you and all ahead of you,
You try to catch up but you are too late,
You won't catch up with me,
Because,
Finally, you lost me...

© Jasima Junaidi

In Rememberance Of a Favorite Mistake

September 4th 2007, something dark happened in my life and caused this:-

I call that my favourite stupid mistake. The mistake that taught me regret does exist in life. The mistake that started all doubts.

In conjunction of September 4th... I shall tell a little story about that stupid looking picture. All due to anger and frustrations on September 4th 2007, the Centipede was born! I am not going into detail on how it happened. All I can say is, I was provoked.

I remember feeling no pain until my white flesh got exposed to the air after quite sometime and it got slightly painful when blood started flowing from my cut.

Stupid me. Now, what do I have? This...

I will not forget what Pit told me... Just imagine... 7-year old telling me off for my actions... it really made my heart shattered... at least I know she cared. She cried when she heard about my 'accident'.

"Mun Kak Jaja sik sayang dirik nya mpun, Kak Jaja sik sayang kamek..." those words sting me big time and that is the BIGGEST reminder of my life...

Damn. I hate recalling all this. It hurts. But I have to admit. Nothing hurts like emotional cuts. The scar is not visible but it stings more than a visible scar.

In the future, I hope I won't repeat the same STUPIDITY. Enough.

You're Too Late...

I waited.
Patiently.
Painfully for you.
To tell me that you are sorry.
For you to beg for forgiveness.
But you never came through.
You continued your journey with her and them.
You never saw the loneliness I endured within me.
You never saw the tears coming from my eyes.
You never held my hand again to keep it warm.
You kept her body warm.
But left me cold.

A year I suffered.
Loving you.
Having confidence in you.
Until then, I decided to give up.
You never called.
You never ask me how I felt.
Or where I was.
You seem to not care about me.
So I learnt not to care about you.

Slowly...
I fell out of your clutches.
I broke free from the cage you kept me in.
I didn't have anymore feelings left for you.
Only then you realised it was too late.
I am sorry.
I admit, some part of me still loves you.
Some part of me still misses you.
But you killed my trust.
You left a scar on my heart.
I don't want more scars.
I don't want to hurt anymore.
I want freedom.

You begged and asked for forgiveness.
I can't accept.
You're too late.
I am sorry...
No matter what you do.
You are just too late.

© Jasima Junaidi

I Wish

I could tell you how I feel. How I've fallen in love with you. How I hope I can rely on you. No matter what.

I wish everything was real. My fantasies and my thoughts of being by your side.

I wish. All my wish will come true.

I wish I could be courageous enough to tell you, "I LOVE YOU"...

Not The Risk I Am Willing To Make...

Many times when I am with you,
I feel like my heart sings its happy tune,
My stomach is filled with fluttering butterflies,
My soul is at ease and feels light,
And there is this urge deep within me,
Telling me deeply and sincerely,
"Tell him you love him before it is too late..."
But I decide not to follow my conscience...
Why?
I didn't want to lose you even as a friend...
I didn't want to see a life without seeing your smile,
Or without listening to your laughing voice,
And to even be there with you...
Just sitting at one corner,
Listening to you and watching you is good enough for now,
I want to see you as often as possible,
I wish I could touch your arm and your face,
Only...
To tell you, "I've fallen in love with you..."
And losing you is the risk I am NOT willing to make...
Especially after you've saved me from falling hard onto the ground...

© Jasima Junaidi

Till: The Orang Melayu Clorox and Kueh Penyaram

This entry is dedicated to my German 'brother', Till.

Today, I was given the opportunity to go out with him again. It was great. People actually turned twice to look if he was with me! Haha!

The best part, meeting Zai (M's friend)... I am sure he got to be thinking that I left that miserable M for a Caucasian! Haha! Go on now. Tell M. I want M to know the mistake he's done towards me. His sins towards me. Go on. Tell! I insist!

I am glad Till was way way taller than me. Haha!

Anyway, I had never met a Caucasian guy who LOVES Malay food more than anything else... And understands better in Malay than English! *chuckles* To think he insisted on saying, 'makan' than 'eat'! Haha!

When he leaves Kuching, I am going to miss him. Haha! Till is very sarcastic and yes, Till is also a Liverpool fan! YEY!

Damn. Till is so much fun! Seriously.

I don't care if people were to say I was online kissing his ass but they don't know him. So, who are they to say? As far as I am concerned, they are just jealous. So? And I believe in:- Their hatred makes me stronger. Hehe!

I was hanging out with Dedek at the shop today and he was talking about KUEH PENYARAM. To think I have this love for kueh penyaram also that I remember last year, Della and I would buy penyaram almost every single day during the fasting month! To make him happy, knowing it was his favorite, when I went to buy mine for breaking fast today, I bought some for him. Gosh. Never did I see someone so happy looking at penyaram! The same feeling when I go to the shop and Dedek gave me that CUTE LION PLASTIC! Hehe! The happiness I felt over a plastic amazed some people.

About PENYARAM... I had two types today. The one I bought and the one my Dad bought. I prefer the one I bought because it was sweeter and soft. The one Dad bought was hard and tasteless. Owh well. Shouldn't complain. He knew I love penyaram... and bought it for me.

Lastly, just to share with all:-

"People change in matter of seconds for the worse... but when they decide to change back for good, it is only then they realised that it is too late..."

Say What?

Hah! I started class today! So happy! :) I am no longer stuck at home like the big fat bum that I am, staring at the screen or going around town looking like a BLOWFISH! Haha! (Adeeb, not implying to you)

Haha! I will blog later.

BLOWFISH! *rolls on the floor laughing her ass off*

Feelings.

I hate it when I feel the way I feel now. I am all mixed up. I feel happy but I feel sad. I feel carefree but I feel worried.

Waiting for the right time seems like a bother! I don't want to be too late. I wish I can tell him. Shamelessly but gracefully. Yet, I am afraid to. I still think it is weird for a girl to make the first move. Yet, Adeeb told me, if a guy truly likes a girl and he knows that she likes him, too, he will wait for the girl to pour out her feelings.

No. I am not desperate. I am in love but I am not that desperate. It is not right for a girl to go up to a guy and say, "Look, I love you and will you be my boyfriend?"

I don't want the thing that happened to me in 1999 happen to me again. I cannot handle a rejection now. Let me be happy crushing and melting every single moment I see that someone.

The reason why I had fallen for him like a fallen angel is because, he understands me and he is more concerned about me more than that bastard had ever been towards me. Seems to me... I don't want to be conceited about it. Maybe it is his nature to be very concerned about people close to him. I don't like the idea of doing the tango alone. But... I am willing to just think about it that way now. I know that way, I won't lose him even as a friend.

Many times, I wish I knew what is on his mind. I have thoughts that he knows that I have this crush on him but at the same time, I doubt it if he has the slightest idea that I tend to control my blushing cheeks when I around him.

Half of me wishes he knew yet a part of me hopes he doesn't but people who knows about how I feel about him, says, they know that he knows. I wish he knew and I wish I knew what is in his heart. I wish my sixth sense was more reliable.

What I want to point out here is... I am in love with my Saviour... I really do but I am too chicken shit to admit it to him :(

Eek! Enough thoughts about this! I will only end up hurting my own feelings with negative some thoughts.

On Ramadan Bazaar and Day One of Fasting

It is day one of Ramadan. Mum, Dad and Nuril went to the Ramadan Bazaar at Satok. Boy was it hectic (as usual).

I always enjoy myself looking at the food people sell at the bazaar but the only thing I didn't like was the people. How? Well, they behaved as if ONLY THEY were entitled to be there. Only they can buy from there.

To those who are pregnant, watch where you are going, you are lucky I actually bother to not walk into you.

To those with kids, CONTROL your bloody kids.

The content was getting out from the crowd.

When you enter... It feels like you are bound to swim through a rough sea! Only you smell all sort of things (good and bad) and you see all sort of colours (food, people). It is interesting to be in the bazaar. It would have been cooler if I had brought my camera and pretended to be a photographer! Haha! Maybe I will do so soon! :D

Day one is almost down~ Alhamdulillah... I finished my task today :) And... I've been a good girl today, I hadn't curse at anyone today! :D

Despite...

... it all I am glad I managed to break free from making another fatal mistake. I am glad my life is now safe from HIM.

Life is GREAT although it sucks...

I am free to be like a bird. No more gold cages. No more chains around my neck. No more fatal mistakes to be made because of one person.

Haha! Owh well.

May this Ramadan bring some miracles. I don't want to repeat what I did in the past...

Welcome September!

Welcome Ramadan!

Welcome September 4th 2008...

DAMN! Another bad day for me... :( The memory of me and my arm and the 2 inches milipede.

Argh! Damn it. DAMN IT!

Why was I stupid enough to do something THAT STUPID for that insincere ass?!

If I was God, I'd get rid of August 22nd and September 4th. Just to be happy and... I'd get rid of the scar on my arm.

And... 3rd day of Ramadan marks the 14th year of Mak Munah's (affectionally known as Mak) death... (al-Fatihah) :(