Quite honestly, the best thing he's told me today was, "I know the pain you had to endure... I shouldn't have done that to you... you were the best thing that have ever happened to me... Whoever will get you in the future is lucky... You were so loyal to me and yet, I played with your heart... I regretted for being close to N and even P. Now I lost you. I got a loyal and patient girlfriend... but I hurt you. Your new boyfriend will be so lucky. I was lucky and I am thankful I could feel real love before this. I just hope your new boyfriend won't hurt you the way I did. Yet, if you need help, just let me know. I will come for you. You are too good to be let go of but since you are the one who left me... I deserved it... I hurt you and you need to go free..."
Well. You lost me. See? My mistake was being too loyal. I won the battle. How? He cried when he was on the phone with me. I admit, I was crying eyeballs out but then I wasn't sad. I was angry. I was JADED! I was at the edge of screaming my lungs out.
I want him to move on. I want him to accept the fact that all his actions weren't the way to make us both happy. It wasn't the right move. He knew his mistakes. Finally. After a year plus but he was TOO LATE. He knew I don't love him anymore.
When he asked me, "How did you manage to forget me?"
And I simply said, "I recall all the pain you gave me. I loved you but you caused me too much pain. I had to forget you and all our sweet memories. I don't want to hurt anymore..."
What did he say? "You are too good to be forgotten... You had been too patient with me. You never did anything wrong towards me..."
I am not perfect but I try to keep a relationship. That is just the way I am. At the beginning of the problem with M, I gracefully took the blame for not being able to be what he wanted me to be yet when I think about it, with me getting beaten up emotionally, I managed to think, "Why should I take the blame? I was being loyal. I never TOYED with his heart... Why am I beating myself up this way?" That is when I tried to become stronger. I started hanging out with my old friends again and made new friends and brought some friends closer to my heart.
He left me alone for too long, good thing, too. I became stronger. I still have hope within me. Until early August, I gave up. I knew it was the best decision I've made in my life. He left me a scar on my arm. That is the only reminder of him...
I admit, as much as I cry about it. I DO NOT LOVE HIM. The love died. Enough beating up of my heart. Please. No more. I don't want to hurt anymore. I had been loyal. I had been faithful. What I get in return? Pain and agony. Yet, his words, "The next guy after me will be lucky to get your love..." Although I was hurt badly, I will NEVER cheat on my boyfriend. It is not right. I don't mind getting hurt or being left because of a job but I won't tolerate being cheated on.
I loved and I was willing to get hurt. It is okay. I have my justice. Anyway, I have a song I want to share. It is an emo song. Haha! It is by Hawthorne Heights.
Ohio Is For Lovers
Hey there,
I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all.
Where you are and how you feel.
With these lights off as these wheels
keep rolling on and on. (and on and on and on...)
Slow things down or speed them up.
Not enough or way too much. (and on and on and on...)
How are you when I'm gone?
[Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.
Spare me just three last words.
"I love you" is all she heard.
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.
[x2]
[Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.
(YOU...KILL...ME...WELL)
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
My final breath is gone
So I can fall asleep tonight
[Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.
(YOU...KILL...ME...WELL)
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.
[to fade]
Only, my heart is NOT in Ohio. It is somewhere else. Hawthorne Heights got plenty of song reflecting a bit of my life. Owh well. But I am still sticking to The Show Must Go On.
The show must go on... Inside my heart is breaking... my make up maybe flaking... but my smile still stays on...
Hmm. I wish I could forget the past entirely but 3 years is no joke. I am stopped from admitting my feelings to someone though. I don't want that someone to think that I am only doing so because that someone is my rebound. No. I am being honest with myself.
Ah. Forget it. Head hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore feelings. I mean. I may not toy a person's heart but my actions in handling my recent problems might hurt that person's feeling. *sighs* I need someone's shoulder to cry on. Someone to save me but I am okay on my own for the time being. I just need to go somewhere far and scream my lungs out.
It is too late. For him. This happens when love die. This happens when there is no more feelings or emotions. My heart? Bleeding as it is, had been stolen by someone. Who might or might not know it... I hope, I know what I am doing. Seriously.
Will it be too late for me even? I sure hope not... Another hearthache will just kill me off. Why can't God cut the fun and just end me here?...
ARGH! ENOUGH JA, ENOUGH! :( STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP WITH QUESTIONS YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO!! ENOUGH!!!!!!!
