Make My Heart A Better Place

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

As negative as what it is said above, it is very true. Just as when you think, "This is the person who I am going to share my life with..." and that is the very person who breaks you inside out. That is the very person who attempts to kill you. That is the very person you plays with your heart. Just as when you thought you can give everything to them.

I had enough of people like that... I am honestly, afraid to even fall in love. I had my share... In my case, he changed for someone who didn't really care. He changed because of the instigation of others who was envious. At first, I endured. I was sure he would succumb. Until a few weeks ago, as the doors of my heart closed, I realised that, I was giving up and I had enough. I dumped him. I couldn't hold the pain much longer. He treated me as if I was dirt. I am glad to think that I didn't lose anything... he did. It was my gain but his loss. Why? There I was loyal and was confident in him yet... he made me feel like as if I don't deserve to live. I didn't deserve a life full of happiness. That is when I thought, "why should I bother if he doesn't?" *sighs* I admit, I am happy now yet there is a certain emptiness within my soul. The feeling is empty though I am honestly contented. The feeling is beautiful yet ugly. The mixed up emotion conquers me. Deeply. Slicing through my flesh.

I did something stupid in the past which left me with a 2 inches scar on my left arm... That is the only reminder of my past... other than that, I forgotten what was it like to be with him. Every single memory of sweetness died when I was suffering within that year. When that skank entered his life... when he was always with that bastard... When, I started hurting myself... emotionally... and physically. I even got a supply of Gillette blades once... That was just my stupid past... Now, I don't do that. I know I've got people who cares about me... I thank them for that.

Nowadays when I look at my scar, tears automatically roll down from my cheeks. It was stupid mistake. It really was. I wish I never took out that knife and slashed myself. Quite honestly, I didn't feel any pain until blood started flowing. *sighs* It was 'good' experience to see and to get my arm stitched though...

I want to forget my past... although AUGUST and September 4th and my 2 inches "millipede" is a reminder for all the pain and endurance I went through. Well, like most people said, they pity me for being mistreated but I want you guys to know, don't pity me anymore... pity him, for losing a loyal person like me.

This is my promise though, even if I do get into a relationship again, I don't intend to hurt my significant other's feelings. I will take care of his feelings like how I've been taking care of his feelings in the past... and I will forget him entirely. Right now, as much as I hate to admit that it hurts trying to forget him, Tej's smile is the only thing that keeps me going on and on. I sincerely hope that it is Tej who will make my heart a better place. *smiles*

Anyway, yesterday I was angry at an arrogant person. I hadn't visited the forum yet since I am a bit too sleepy to even bother going anywhere else but Blogger and Facebook. So, about yesterday, I resort to pour my heart out by sending Ted Adnan an email. And he simply sent me a link which truly made my day (despite the bad tummy ache)

Please click here.

Preston Mack-- he's the man! Especially when he commented; "Nikon released a pair of the best digital SLRs ever made, the D300 and the D3." Damn, that TRULY made my day! Adeeb and I call those two cameras the SPARTAN CAMERAS. And I had the opportunity to touch a Nikon D3 (didn't dare use it!) and been taken a picture of with a D3! Haha!

Ted, you made it all possible. I was a little kitten at the side of the road, ignored and was left unsignificant in the photography world. Yet, you made me see myself in a different perspective and you are also responsible for my obsession for my cameraphone ;)

Gosh, as much as I loathe August. Things are brighter. Slightly brighter. Hehe! I will blog later when I get in the groove. I am in the mood to read something now. Hehe. Gosh, that article really made my day!

Give Me Something I Can Believe

Second day in a row of All I Need by Within Temptation... Honestly, I really really love that song. It is a beautiful song. I have to admit that that song have a nasty impact on me. I am not going to tell why or how but the reason why I want to make that video with Juliana because that song reminds me of how something verbal became physical... that is the imagine I get when I think of that video. An abusive relationship.

Here are the lyrics:-

I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't I ever learn?
I've lost all my trust,
though I've surely tried to turn it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear me down
You've opened the door now, don't let it close

I'm here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away from turning it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place

I tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away, don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don't tear me down

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place

Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better place

It is weird. This song has hope in it but I am thinking of an abusive relationship. Here is a spoiler. Maybe, I want to write the storyboard in a way that the girl was in an abusive relationship then got herself out of it and wanted to commit suicide but she had a friend who helped her out and they ended up together. I might want to change it a little bit... maybe she did intend on committing suicide but ends up dead anyway because she got invovled in an accident... while she was crying and didn't see where she was going...

The other song I have in mind is Frozen also by Within Temptation... Frozen is slightly straight forward.

I can't feel my senses
I just feel the cold
All colors seem to fade away
I can't reach my soul
I would stop running, if knew there was a chance
It tears me apart to sacrifice it all but I'm forced to let go

Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons I did it for you
When lies turn into truth I sacrificed for you
You say that I'm frozen but what can I do?

I can feel your sorrow
You won't forgive me,
but I know you'll be all right
It tears me apart that you will never know but I have to let go

Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons I did it for you
When lies turn into truth I sacrificed for you
You say that I'm frozen but what can I do?

Everything will slip way
Shattered peaces will remain
When memories fade into emptiness
Only time will tell its tale
If it all has been in vain

I can't feel my senses
I just feel the cold
Frozen...
But what can I do?
Frozen...

Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons I did it for you
When lies turn into truth I sacrificed for you
You say that I'm frozen, frozen...

This one... I imagine the girl causing the problem in a relationship and the guy eventually left her. She cries and regret for what she did. Haha! I hadn't thought of an ending though. Yet, Within Temptation had a different idea for Frozen...

That is their official video. I love Sharon den Adel! She's got a very powerful voice. I noticed that gothic rock singers have very powerful voice. Gothic rock and metal are two entirely different things. I think I should stop now, my head is killing me and my emotions are still trying to slice me into pieces...

Or... do whatever there is to do...

Randomness...

Whenever I sit in front of my blog, I become clueless with what I want to write. Darn! Haha! I miss my notes. Owh well. What to do?

Today, I got angry with someone. Someone who thinks that he is so high and mighty. There is no point getting bothered by that dude. Not going to touch about it but then I am going to find a reason why I blogged.

Many thanks to the NO-WARNING-FROM-FACEBOOK, Notes got temporarily disabled. They said there was a warning but I didn't get any.. Not that I care anyway. Currently, I am listening to All I Need by Within Temptation and on repeat.

Why? Since Juliana and I made the decision to make a video out of it, I went haywire. Everytime I listened to the song, I had an idea rushing through my brain. The latest idea started with a fighting couple... and ends with death. I am not going to type it all down because I might not like it at the end of the day!

I hate downloading anything or streaming videos at this hour. It is super slow. I think I will blog once I feel like it. My head hurts and I can feel that I am getting angry. Plus, I am still sleepy. Damn!

"Oh August, How I Loathe Thee"

WARNING: This post may contain a lot of harsh words...

Since last year, I learned to hate August... August is supposed to be a happy month for everyone else. August is a month of independence. August is a month of freedom.

For my country. But. Not for me.

August (2007), reminds me of the month where I walked into the biggest trap ever. The month which started it all. The month responsible for all this hurt and pain.

How much do I hate August?

Very much and if I were God, I'd get rid of August. It is to that extend that August makes me feel miserable. August makes me feel like jumping off the Civic Centre. August makes me feel like every time I go play bowling, I'd miss every pin every time. August makes me feel like a rotten egg or the Ugly Duckling...

In another way, August makes me feel alone. Unwanted. Unloved.

Why do I hate August so much?

I hated August since last year because of some SADISTIC f**king bastard who changed the life of someone I used to really care for. It was that same bastard who claimed that he never changed that person's attitude. Right. Although it was that person's stupid decision to be as lowly as that sadistic f**king bastard... and though that person did say things like, "I hate that (name)... He is the king of all liars"...

Dude, there is a mirror somewhere, go look into it and look at that bastard's monster. You are exactly the same. Only towards me. And your family. Maybe I love your mother more than YOU do. Do you even love your mother at all? *rolls her eyes*

I had hold my patience for a year now. This year, August 2008, I decided to give up. I decided to let go the one person I'd never thought of letting go. I was texting Kak Lin (whose birthday was yesterday) and she told me not to go back to him. It was his lost. His lost because I was loyal and loving towards him. Yet, I wasn't appreciated.

Even if he does want us to get back together, I won't want to. He was given the chance for over a year. Enough. He's too late. And, I don't want to risk anymore tears to go through. I want only happiness. I only want to be what I used to be. Happy-go-lucky me. Which, I am not because I lost most of my friends because of him. And to think, I was willing to even wait for him to be like how he used to be... yet, eventually, I gave up.

Why did God made me the faithful person that I am? Yet give me such challenge to face? I know that He is testing me to try my patience but this is too much... Everytime, I get myself someone I care for, this is what I get... Owh God, why do I feel pathetic?

I love this part of this song called Never Too Late by Three Days Grace.

The world we knew won't come back,
The time we've lost can't get back,
The life we had won't be ours again

There are some truth behind it. Well, despite me being the way I am now. After almost 3 years of being in a relationship. I am proud to say that I am single. Why? I don't have to worry about that idiot anymore. If he had truly cared for me, he would have changed. But what Kak Lin told me via text messages, he is not for me. He didn't appreciate my existance.

I intend to change my life. It may hurt. Yet, I have to admit, I am happy in a way that I am free from my misery and limitation of a life. In other words, I am free. Though, in this life, all I want is someone to actually be there for me. Someone I can share my secrets with. Someone who I can find comfort with. Someone who will understand me and won't change just because of the words of others. I hope. He will only add to my happiness.

Although August is the cause of me being emo like I am now, I am slowly becoming happy. Happier that I've been for a whole year of rainstorms. Just that, August kills the happiness within me.

HOPEFULLY, this will relieve me from my hurt and pain. I am feeling rather placid. Yet at the same time, I am still feeling as rotten as I did when I woke up earlier on. I can feel like today is not going to make any difference. Yesterday was a relieve but it was only for a little while. If only it would last.

Despite being hurt this way, it doesn't mean that IF I do get into a relationship, I would hurt the person I am with. I will never do that to a person because like all human, we all have feelings and I don't want any pity from anybody. I am building myself to get stronger when people make me feel like shit and no one has the rights to do any of that to anyone else.

We all deserve someone in our lives... and determination. PLUS, happiness and sunshine.

With this black cloud hovering over me, I would love a little sunshine. Have I found my sunshine? Not really. Although I would like it if I did~

Someday, I know I will find my sunshine again... and August won't be such a painful month to go through... August will be a happy month like how it used to be. August will be beautiful. And peaceful.

We all deserve some happiness. Even me.

Hatred

I fucking hate my neighbour... I WISH THEY WOULD DIE... seriously crawl somewhere and die!!

I fucking hate them because:-

THEY ARE INCONSIDERATE BASTARDS!!

I will blog more later once I have the mood to do so.

Owh Bummer

It is that time of the month again. I am feeling tired, sleepy and constantly moody! You can tell by looking at me... I am most of the time so droopy looking.

I hate getting It and when I do, it is so heavy, it is not funny. It is almost annoying.

With me being unable to go online at night, thank God Bg Lan game me a link to a game for me to download. The House of the Dead. Damn, it is a little bit addictive!

I want to play it again! Game over... because some stupid zombie managed to kill me in the 2nd chapter! T_T

Toodles.

"Nonsense"

I actually checked my Tarot reading online via Facebook today and this is my card for today.

The Hermit
The Hermit represents the need to distance yourself from the people and events in your life that are causing undue strain on your emotions. There are times in your life when seclusion and isolation are warranted. The Hermit is a card of discovery and enlightenment, which can only develop by spending time alone with your thoughts. Your energy will be depleted quickly in social situations.

I have been feeling down lately... and I have this feeling that I need to talk to someone about it but I don't want to talk about it because seriously, I don't even know what my problem is. It sounds funny but then it is not funny because I don't know what is bothering my mind.

I just hope, tomorrow, my mood will be better... But to think about it, it is the that-time of the month (girl's version)! *chuckles*

Owh, I checked my forecast for tomorrow and this is what I got...

The Wheel of Fortune
The Wheel of Fortune deals with the unpredictable situations in life. Your path in life takes many detours, often directed by forces and events beyond your control. This card represents change in your life, so be ready for unexpected challenges to come your way. This card usually denotes that good luck is coming your way.

I hope so. I want all the good luck in the world... I want all the good luck in the world to make my day brighter.

I am surrounded (directly and indirectly) by people who are INCONSIDERATE! They don't consider other people's feelings. It is a bad feeling. It is a feeling of being 'rejected'... Owh well, what comes around goes around... there is a thing called KARMA... things will come back to get them anyway. It will trun around to get them... big time.

In order to be left alone, I diverted all calls and am ignoring my phones. I don't want to talk to anybody who I know would make me angry. I am just not in the mood. I want to let my mind go wild. I want to empty my mind. I need it. There is nothing else to it. I need to ease my mind. Big time.

This is being random:- I don't understand girls nowadays wearing SHORTS with heels. They look stupid. No sense in fashion! Period.

People

It is amazing how some people can be the way they are. At some points in my life, I wish I could just obtain gun license and kill them one by one. Why? It is because of provocation? Yes and it attacks my heart and emotions.

People are so self-centered. I am talking about M's friends in general. Why? When he is in debt to them, they make sure that he pays them back even at the oddest time of the month... that time of the month. The time of the month where most people are so broke, it is not funny and the threaten him.

Yet, when they borrow money from him, they pretend to forget and when I ask him if he had asked back, with (probably) fear in his heart, he will tell me that he had claimed back when I know he hadn't claimed back that money!

And how he handle such a thing when he is being threatened? He runs away! COWARD BASTARD! Ah! Whatever!

Sleep though. Will blog when I feel like it or when I can go online!

Bread and Offerings

If someone offer you their bread, it will be polite if you take it... by not taking it, you are offending that person!

That is a sign of consent. I thought about this entry when my Mum asked me a particular question about someone.

Suddenly, these words came into my mind;- "Why should I care for a person if they don't want to be cared for?"

It is true actually. It is an insult if someone actually show you that they care but you couldn't be bothered about what they are doing for you.

I will blog more later. Most of my ideas went into somewhere more personal.

IF YOU ARE NARROW MINDED, DON'T BOTHER READING

CLICK HERE and HERE

This might be a sensitive issue, here are my views and I will delete this posting after a week!

THIS IS WHAT I THINK:-

This "Tak Nak Petronas" campaign is plain stupid! Why? NOT ONLY MALAYSIA ARE SUFFERING FROM PETROL PRICE HIKE!

IT IS A FUCKING GLOBAL THING, HELLO!

I don't understand our people. Seriously, I don't.

Better not blog more about this crap...

DATE FOR DELETING OF THIS POST: July 26th 2008 (if not sooner)

REASON: with some people WHO CANNOT ACCEPT the fact that this is a global thing might eventually become retarded and intend to sue me!

Have You Ever..

... claimed that you DO NOT believe in regret but at the end of the day, you feel regret eventually?

... trusted someone but at the end of the day, that someone is the person who actually betrayed your trust?

... thought that even after a rough journey at sea everything would be calm but at the end of the day, everything else just got from bad to worse?

... wanted to leave everything to fate to teach some people a lesson but at the end of the day, all you feel like is making them suffer without fate doing it for you?

... believed in that revenge is not necessary but at the end of the day with so much hate in your heart, all you want to do is plan on pay back time?

and...

... loved someone so much who you wish might love you in return would eventually hurt your feelings big time in return?

>

>>

>>>

>>>>

>>>>>

>>>>

>>>

>>

>

It will be a lie, if I said "no"... I am feeling all that rushing into me now.

Although I am happy... that is only the surface. I have my ups and downs and I thank God for every single day.

Owh well.

Tell Me ;)

WHAT DO THESE MOVIES HAVE IN COMMON?

Let me know via comment. I will tell in my new blog entry :)

* * * * * * *

Anyway, it is July 16th... 36 more days till my 3rd year with Maman. I seriously miss him. I hate this feeling though. I understand that he is busy. Owh well, as long as he messages me, I am okay. I think.

Wanted (Review)

ANOTHER MOVIE BASED ON A COMIC BOOK :D Of course being typical Hollywood, the directors, screen writers did some change in the movie plot. Just like V For Vendetta, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, 300 and others.

Spoiler!

Here is my 'review'. I would give 4/5 stars. I enjoyed the movie although I had to admit that it kinda bore me when he was always getting panic attacks. It became interesting when Fox (Angelina Jolie) came into the picture. It is very action packed.

I love the shooting part. It is cool! I am NOT going to spoil anything for anyone. Haha!

Honestly, I am NOT in the mood. So, mind the short review.

Pictures of the Workshop

It is in my Flickr. Random pictures and a few of my result shots.

RANDOMNESS

DIO ROCKS SOCKS!

I am watching VH1 40 Greatest Metal Songs on MTV and I've been squeeing the whole way! Many favorite songs! Haha!

I am feeling very random. I cannot blog anything serious. I am tempted to blog about myself but I am feeling too random to even be serious. Damn.

I am also angry because my WIRELESS is still down. I am living on DIAL UP now and I hate DIAL UP. It is damn slow and I had to wait for an hour plus to load Flickr alone! Damn!

I am also sleepy now... really sleepy... I think I want to think about sleeping early since I have to get up at 6 to start responsibilities around the house... only then I can go back sleep! HAHA!

A Real Liverpool Fan

Today. While at Zifa Images Photoshoppe, I wanted to throw some water away from a bottle but since the washroom was occupied, I opened window and a CAR caught my eye. Here is why.

Hahaha! A Liverpool obsessed fan! I admire this dude. He is a HUGE fan. Would have been better if his car was RED!

About Today.

Honestly. I am too tired to blog about it but I am happy I followed the outing...

Would have been better if I went yesterday.

Uploaded pictures into my Flickr and Facebook.

There it will be.

ONLY RANDOM PICTURES. Nothing much.

I Am Being Random, Again.

I have made up some thoughts about some people. I don't understand why when some people are envious of you, they would make up some stories about you.

I hate it and being very UnIslamic (so said my Dad) because I am not one to forgive and forget easily... in Islam, you are to talk to the person you argue/quarrel with after THREE DAYS. But I don't do that. Once it is hate. It is hate. UNLESS it is hate at first sight just like the case of me and Adeeb.

I think I should go now, I will blog about my friendship history later. I got to get ready to go out and enjoy my butt off!

Randomness Tonight (Cat Lover Me)

I was bored last night. Didn't feel too creative but was ITCHING to do something creative and since I was running out for Amalthea and Machilles' confessing to each other scene in a middle of a rebellion... this happened... (DON'T LAUGH NOW)

Hahahaha!! I don't care if someone were to say that it is from the Internet but they can go ahead and search. Look at the picture. It is NOT perfect and it took me about an hour and a half to 'draw'. Haha! And I have a reputation to be a 'Cat Person'.

Besides, when I made that picture, I had Macavity's name in my head... I miss Mac... I had him for 11 years... I will never forget the last night he was by my side.

The thing about cats are... they know when they are going to die... when they intend to disappear is when they know that their time is up. That night before Mac disappeared, he followed me everywhere I went... and it was just me at home in Kuching while the others all went to Kuala Lumpur. I didn't want to leave Mac, sick alone at home. Before my parents and sisters left for Kuala Lumpur, Mac did the one thing he never did in his life... went into my parent's room and followed my Mum everywhere she went. He wanted to be pampered by her! Luckily my Mum accepted the fact that he was old... she didn't scold him for following her everywhere she went and especially for entering their bedroom!

Whereas, the night before he disappeared, Mac insisted on sleeping with me... and being the sucker that I am where Mac is concerned, and despite him peeing in my room (especially before I made him go for the toilet to use the litter and thank God for an old cat, his pee wasn't very smelly...) I let him. He was old and I know I needed company in the house with him and since I developed the habit of sleeping outside at the family corner when my parents or elder sister isn't in Kuching, I knew I needed someone to sleep with me...

The next day, when I wanted to give him his medicine, there was no trace of Mac... and I told my friend, Shahmee all about it and he said something which upset him a little when I told him that he said was right.

I found my best friend, my 'brother', my 'shoulder to cry on' and the love of my life stiff under my sister's car. I expected it half heartedly since he was old and ailing. And he WAS afterall suffering from KIDNEY problems.

The good part is, not only Mac does not suffer anymore but when I hear cats fighting in the middle of the night, I know it is not my cat that is fighting. I don't have to get worried about my cat fighting in the middle of the night anymore.

Although I would love a "TUXEDO CAT"... If I ever get a black cat with white paws and white chest and a bonus, white tip tail, I will name him Tux... I prefer MALE cats since they tend to last longer.

Personally, I think cats are smarter than dogs. I think cat have got this supernatural abilities to protect their master from supernatural harm. I recall Mac, hissing and growling into empty space once as he pounced onto my lap. Dogs at the meanwhile are not very much on the brainy side. They are more brawns than brains. I love the macho and the elegance of a cat and unlike the ever so predictable dogs, cats are mysterious. I think I better stop this thing about cats... Those cat haters out there would hate me for all the things I blog about cats. Hey, you got to admit, cats are smart.

I am super bored tonight mainly because I am on dial up. The wireless connection at home screwed up again and in the day time I tend to get busy with other stuff. I miss my fast connection. Seriously. It spoils my time being a pirate! Haha! I now wonder, how did I survive once upon a time? I got myself pampered by the speed of my wireless connection. What is sickening, just as when I feel like blogging all the time, my connection speed is like sh*t. With this damn dial up, I am only doing 41.2 KBPS!!! It is like DRIVING 40 kmph... no... 20 kmph!

But, I am thankful that I can go online anyway. :(

Too bad I am the boss of the house until Sunday! I have to do be Nuril's driver and guardian (she is 15 and is capable of taking care of herself - that is me being selfish! *LOL*) The rules are always the same when it is just me alone or with Nuril alone in Kuching.

"Don't do this!", "Don't do that!", "No need to go out unnecessarily!" and the list goes on. The thought of staying at home tends to bug me... what is worst, no Internet (currently)... Everytime the wireless begin to get stable... something tend to come up.

Recently... the phone downstairs won't make sound. Apparently the cable was spoilt. So, when the Telekom guy came when he was told to come the next day (he came immediately for fear of the Dragon Lady, my Mum...). Okay, before he came, my owh my, I was happily downloading an album, Three Days Grace... And this dude came along like the insy bitsy spider and DESTROYED my happiness with the connection! *cries* Ever since, I can't do anything much with myself... especially at night.

Yeah, MSN sessions with the Angels (Devils in Disguise actually - please see Three Random Girls blog... you will know! Mind the cucumber thing... I posted that out of pure lost of sanity... *grins*) I want my wireless connection back!

Aha, speaking of the Angels, Jul and I had this weird conversation which lead to Tom Cruise' Scientology. Before the whole Scientology thing... this is what she said...

Hahahaha!! Yes. Kidman is married to Nicole! Talking about typos. Serious case of typos. Hehehe... I tend to get typos, too. Haha! Depending on the mood.

Speaking of moods... I am sleepy and I need sleep. I hadn't had enough sleep lately. This morning, I went to the Lighting Technique Workshop with PUFFY eyes due to tears and lack of sleep.

Don't ask why the tears... Like how the Malay saying goes, "Biarkan ku dengan nasibku yang malang ini!" (Let me be with my misfortune)

All I want is... everything I used to have to be given back. If I was desperate, I would burnt that whole village but too bad, that ungrateful village is under the reign of a very important person in my life (that is for me to know and for you who doesn't know to find out!) People have told me that my life is full of secrets and I have a damn good reason why I keep all those secrets to myself. I know how the world is now.

And I also know the true meaning of being discriminated! Yeah, yeah, I am NOT Malay enough or I am not Chinese or unable to speak Chinese... I have Christian relatives but I am a Muslim. What is with this world? We all born the same way... we all die basically the same way. It makes me angry just thinking about discrimination. I was also discriminated because I wasn't ladylike. Yes. Just because I like to dress COMFORTABLY and DECENTLY, I was discriminated.

Yet, with Jul and Seryna, I feel like I fit in. When we chat. I don't feel discriminated... because they are the people who really know me. I mean, they have seen me 'grow up'. We've been in the same school for practically all our lives. Seryna's case, since we were in Kindergarten...

I should stop before I get too emotional. I should learn to control my emotions and my temper. I need an Anger Management Course next. Haha! Which I doubt I will enjoy!

Ted Adnan Lighting Technique Workshop (DAY I)

I feel colourful today. Here goes.

DAY ONE...

Honestly, I was feeling nervous that I woke up at 5 am with no problems (since I am NOT a morning person!). I had been nervous about the whole thing since Thursday. I felt like it was the biggest step I've taken in photography!

What did I do today?

I attended a course organized by the Kenyalang Photography Club (Kelab Kenyalang Fotografi or KFK) at Zifa Images Photoshoppe.

"Ted Adnan's Lighting Technique Workshop"

Whatever it is, (NOTE TO ADEEB: rugi kau sik pegi!), it was worth it! All my life attending workshops, this is the FIRST TIME, I'd say that it was WORTH it and yes, I enjoyed it. And the feeling I had when I had to go home?

"I don't feel like going home but I've got a 'sisterly' duty..." :(
Too bad, Ja, you tend to put your family as a priority! *evil laughter*

TODAY...

Since I woke up at 5 am, I thought I would be half asleep or cranky. Hell. I was wrong. I enjoyed this workshop. Normally, I would feel like sleeping halfway through a workshop session. Yet, in this case, I wasn't thinking of sleep at all.

PROBABLY BECAUSE...

It was practical. Not very theorical. A lot of getting up and taking pictures. The presentation was good because the way Ted presented his presentation was in such a way that would make a person get up and feel like taking pictures. It made me want to know more about my camera. It was fun. It wasn't one of those boring workshop sessions.

The best part was everyone was having fun and with a person like Dol around? Things got more interesting because he was like a class-clown.

PLUS, because of today, I feel like getting an SB800! -_-" And a tripod, too. Plus that umbrella. *laughs nervously* That way, I can take the pictures I would love to take.

WHAT DID I LEARN TODAY?

Techniques (obviously) with the lighting... There is the direct lighting, bounce and 'on-off' flash (I love this technique!). Gosh. I don't even know where to start!

First, we learnt the basics of photography.

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know the word "PHOTOGRAPHY" is a Greek word which literally means light writing? Was being trivial :P

Anyway, today I learnt how to get to know my DSLR with a SB800. (thanks to Bang Syuk to provide me the flash which I didn't have *sniffs*) I learnt that if using DIRECT LIGHTING, it will look nicer if the shadow is behind the model's head. (damn, I don't have the picture to explain since I told Bang Syuk to take my camera for the time being since I was so sure I would follow the outing this afternoon *cries*) In order to get the shadow behind the head so it would blend in with the model's hair, either you request for the model to move the position of her head or the photographer would have to move his/her position or move the camera's position and with the correct setting, the picture would come out beautifully.

I also learnt BOUNCING. There is an obvious reason why they call it bouncing. You will have to face the flash at a white surface to bounce the light to the model/object. Again. I need a picture to explain. (Jaja, you are pathetic!)

My favorite... the on-off flash. The flash, you will need to put it on a stand, facing the white surface of the umbrella. This, you will need a wireless (now most camera and flash use wireless). I will give the setting once I look at my camera. *sad* You will need to set your setting (will put in once I know what to put in or I will make myself sound like an idiot) but BOTH your camera and your flash must have the same setting so that the picture will come out perfect. If the setting is a bit off, the picture might come out too dark or too bright.

BUT... (I STILL DON'T HAVE MY PICTURE!! *cries harder*) the pictures, when the setting is perfect? Superb! I WISH I HAD THE PICTURES!! I will blog when I have the picture! :(

All I know, I want to eat something now since I skipped dinner. Can't wait till tomorrow come though.

Is It Just Me Or...

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

Chester Bennington got hot. Even Mike Shinoda is not as hot as him..

Actually, this song... was the first song BESIDES What I've Done from that album that attracted my attention. It was almost like love at first sight... except, I didn't see the song, but I listened to the song. Haha!

I am surprised... From Autumn to Ashes had a new album last year. HAHA! Cool!

I will blog later once I have proper thoughts. Right now, all I can think of is being a pirate. Haha! But... Chester really got hot. I noticed since Shadow of the Day.

Ted Adnan's Course

Honestly, I am feeling rather nervous because tomorrow I am going for a photography course. Ted Adnan is one of the most professional photographers in Malaysia. Since I missed the course with Saiful Nang, I missed most of the fun in a photography workshop.

I can actually feel my heart beating like a war drum.

Is it a good thing? Well, my advantage is I am under Kenyalang Photography Club (rather Kelab Fotografi Kenyalang (KFK)). I get a discount. Better than not having a discount, right? I can't wait.

If you are interested to know what is his work like? CLICK HERE!

I am looking forward to the course tomorrow. I hope to take plenty of pictures tomorrow. Heheh. I am so nervous.

Don't worry, I won't forget to share tomorrow.

I HATE SEAN KINGSTON

Read the above?

Yeah, I HATE SONGS BY SEAN KINGSTON. It ANNOYS the living daylights out of me!!

Will rant later when I have the idea :P

Pain

Don't be fooled by the title. Read on.

You know how some people are so dependent on the Internet that it drives them crazy if they are in the position of not being able to go online?

Yes. That person is me.

I found out lately that my friend is also facing the same problem and he is staying nearby my place and he is also using a wireless modem.

Apparently, those using cable are not facing any problems. Only those using WIRELESS are facing problems. There is a signal but there is no connectivity. It is sickening, really and I've been having difficulty sleeping and I need to chat with my MSN Girls...

Argh! IT IS SICKENING. I am just lucky that I am able to go online now. Hope this is permanent. Really, I do hope it is permanent.

Beauty and the Beast

Over the weekend, I went to Kuala Lumpur just to catch a musical. Beauty and the Beast to be exact. Despite spending money just to go to Kuala Lumpur to watch it. I think. It was worth it. Here is some facts and reviews.

In my life, I've attended FOUR musicals:- Cats, Puteri Hang Li Po, The Phantom of the Opera and Beauty and the Beast. All have the same affect on me. Before it starts, when the music starts especially, I feel like crying. It was worst with Cats and The Phantom of the Opera because both were works by Andrew Lloyd Webber but Cats was performed at Istana Budaya, Kuala Lumpur... As for the Phantom of the Opera, I watched it at Broadway, New York. And NEVER have I NOT ENJOYED a musical. I've always loved musicals.

Beauty and the Beast, being typical Disney, is one of those musicals with audience at the age range of 5 to 99. Anyone can watch a Disney musical and of course in order to 'attract' kids' short-term attention life-span, they have to make it funny. I seriously don't understand why some people are disappointed about it... it is a musical. If you find Beauty and the Beast boring... what more something serious like Les Miserable, The Phantom of the Opera, Sweeney Todd or Miss Saigon? I've seen The Phantom of the Opera and there is no funny scenes like in Cats or Beauty and the Beast. Yet, I still loved it. It was beautiful. I wished they would bring in The Lion King (Musical) next!

My review on Beauty and the Beast. Despite being a kids-friendly show, it was worth watching. It is a bonus if you are a fan of musicals. It is based on the Disney version (obviously)...

Personally, I enjoyed it. Here are some pictures I've managed to get from the musical.

That are the pictures. I didn't get from the first act because I was using my handphone. The pictures didn't come out quite the way I wanted it. *sighs*

I will blog later. Right now, I am feeling rather brain dead. I am damn hungry actually.