Beautiful Lie

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
’Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last (happened last)
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

Lie....Beautiful

Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie ---
It's a perfect denial ---(So beautiful, beautiful)
Such a beautiful lie to believe in ---
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

Whatever it is, I absolutely love this song. Since I first heard it last year until now. I am kinda clueless now, so I thought I'd just add a song lyric in :D

New Beginning

No, I am not going to post Stephen Gately's song here. At least, not yet. I thought that today would be the most miserable day of my life. Apparently, not.

Despite the whole night of hatred last night and the whole night of unhappiness.

M didn't contact me today though. I am glad. No problems at all today! :) I feel at ease despite today supposedly to be our 3rd year anniversary which I ended a few weeks ago! :D

Hope this feeling remains and today, I played Big Two again... this kills me. I lost many times and won once... I want a rematch! Haha! I have to make sure he does not say, "EH" before distributing the cards!

*sighs* Anyway, today Juliana went on to Stage 2 of our All I Need video discussion.

Practically, I am glowing away today! I am happy today! :) More later!

The Death of My Happiness

waking every morning with this pain,
realising that i am alone,
my life as usual are lies,
i hide behind a mask of joy,
concealing this unhappy feeling,
hiding from the world my true self.

i walk up this street everyday,
watching the children playing their games happily,
and as for me,
alone i walk,
in the cold and in loneliness,
i wish i could stop breathing the air,
i wish i could stop this beating heart,
but i know,
i cannot because i was borne into this cruel world,
i was borne to suffer like the others around me,
i need to endure,
i need to tolerate this pain and this suffer,
i wish i was strong enough,
but i am still weak,
i wish i was strong...

i know i can be strong,
i used to be strong,
i used to know what true happiness was,
until,
it happened to me,
as it happened to many others,
this heart had broken into a thousand flaws,
but it met its death,
i met mine,
my happiness...
my positive emotion,
met its end...

this is the death of my happiness...

© Jasima Junaidi 2008

You ought to be wondering why I didn't use any capital letters... There a reason to it. Normally, in the world of literature, it is a sign of being small... In the case of this poem, I not only feel small but I feel like I do not exist at all and the fact that all feeling for happiness had died.

Owh well.

Bad Timing...

I hate it. I hate M. I really do. I may still see him around but I really really hate him. Why? I gave him a year to change. A year of chances. Yet, my heart is being bruised horribly. He came to see me, without any apology or anything. Just act as if nothing happened. Ain't that being sarcastic? Or was that being brainless?

He lost me. He knew he lost me. He came a bit too late. Yet, only now he acts as if he wants me back. I am sorry. The feelings I have for him isn't like how it used to be. I had forgotten all about him. I don't know who he is anymore.

He may have lost something but me? I gained one thing... the will to go on.

I may feel this way, but then, I hope he will learn his lesson in the future. I don't care if you didn't care about me when I needed you most. You are fucking selfish! You don't deserve anything out of me. You made me the way I am. Don't blame me if I've changed. You are the cause of it all.

Before you expect me to change to be the caring me, you look into the mirror and change yourself and question yourself, what did you do it to me to make me feel so dark and full of angst... What did you do to make me change...?

Think about it. I had enough of getting my heart beaten up by YOU... I had enough!

My Attempt In Fan Fics After Many Years

I wrote something. Not that I am a good writer but it was all an attempt!! Hehe! Juliana distributed the idea (as always)

HERE GOES!


It so happened that the three of us were together when the New Kids on the Block came to Kuching. Juliana & I decided to follow Serena, who was a HUGE New Kids on the Block fan because we both knew one thing.. Serena would kill anyone who gets in her way where Jonathan Knight is concerned. I was there to take pictures of the boys. Juliana was there to help me calm Serena down. We waited patiently for the guys to arrive the hotel.

"We should have waited at the airport, Jul.." I told Juliana. She agreed but Serena thought otherwise.

"I've never seen Serena so sexcited before!" Juliana whispered & I tried hard not to laugh because I was thinking the same. "Serena, Shano & I want to go to the toilet. Wanna join?"

"It is okay, I will wait for Jonathan & the others here.." she said as she sat down on one of the couches in the lobby. Juliana dragged me out of the crowd & for some kind of weird reason we went to the washroom near the ballroom instead of the washroom by the lobby.

Guess who we saw, sneaking away from the crowd. It was Jonathan Knight himself.

When he saw us, he noticed the camera in my hands & he told us not to tell anyone that the guys were hiding in the ballroom because they wanted to run away from the crowd in the lobby. The next Juliana & I knew, Jon dragged us into the ballroom.

"Shh.." Jon said almost panicking. Before Juliana could ask why, Jon explained, "The crowd here is wilder than we thought. I thought it was not going to be this big here in Kuching.."

"You've got to be kidding me. One of the people in that crowd came all the way from Brunei!" I said as I laughed. "Right, Jul?" I asked but Jul was nowhere near me. Apparently, she saw the others & went to speak the others..

"Brunei?" Jonathan asked. I nodded. "Oh my God.. is her name Serena by any chance?" I blinked at him, almost in shocked the moment he mentioned my best friend's name. "Please answer me!" he begged. "You look like you are in shock. Nod for a positive answer. Shake your head if you don't know her."

I honestly nodded. He looked so happy I thought he would kiss me & I knew my best friend was the one in love with him. NOT ME..

"Can you by any chance call her here?" he asked, giving me the puppy look. I turned to look at Juliana, who was having more fun chatting with Jordan Knight & Joey McIntyre. Since she was a fan of theirs, I decided not to disturb her. "I just want to meet the girl who amuses me.. Please, call her here & I will give you something you want.."

For a moment there, I thought that Jon was a genie who would grant me 3 wishes or something. So, I took out my cellphone. "Let me warn you, Jon," I said after a long silence. "She worships you. So, don't break her heart or I'll.."

"I won't break her heart. I swear. She made me feel complete! That is the girl I intend to meet! Please!" he begged. I dialed Serena's number.

"Hey! Juliana & I got into a little sticky situation here. Require help! NOW!" I said. "Owh, please.. they won't come anytime soon! Jul & I need you now!" I said almost desperately over the phone. "It won't be long. I promise! Okay. Alright. NOWW!!" I said then hung up. As I put my cellphone into my pocket, Jon looked at me blank. "How may I help you?" I asked conveniently.

"Can you by any chance call her here?" he asked, giving me the puppy look. I turned to look at Juliana, who was having more fun chatting with Jordan Knight & Joey McIntyre. Since she was a fan of theirs, I decided not to disturb her. "I just want to meet the girl who amuses me.. Please, call her here & I will give you something you want.."

For a moment there, I thought that Jon was a genie who would grant me 3 wishes or something. So, I took out my cellphone. "Let me warn you, Jon," I said after a long silence. "She worships you. So, don't break her heart or I'll.."

"I won't break her heart. I swear. She made me feel complete! That is the girl I intend to meet! Please!" he begged. I dialed Serena's number.

"Hey! Juliana & I got into a little sticky situation here. Require help! NOW!" I said. "Owh, please.. they won't come anytime soon! Jul & I need you now!" I said almost desperately over the phone. "It won't be long. I promise! Okay. Alright. NOWW!!" I said then hung up. As I put my cellphone into my pocket, Jon looked at me blank. "How may I help you?" I asked conveniently.

He blinked blankly. "You tricked her?" he asked.

"If I don't do what I just did, she won't even move from where she is now." I said in a cool manner. My cellphone rang & I answered, "We're not in the washroom.. Juliana's curiousity had to kill me, we're in the ballroom!" I said then hung up again.

"Gosh, Woman. You dare do such thing to your own best friend? I like that tactic. I think I understand why you do it!" he chuckled. I grinned.

"Ja? Jul?" Serena called as she peek into the ballroom. "Where the hell are you guys?" she asked. "I hate it when you play hide & seek with me, Girls!"

"Here's your chance, Jon." I whispered. He got up from where we were & grinned sheepishly.

"OH! MY! GOD!" Serena squee-ed. "Is that really you?" she gasped. Jon grinned & nodded. I nudged his calves as if telling him to approach her. Since I was on the floor along with the others, I went towards Juliana & introduced myself to the others there. From where I was, I heard Serena talking to Jon shyly. "OH MY GOD! IT IS YOU!"

"You are the famous Serena!" Jon said in delight & they started chatting.

"SHE LOVES TRACTORS, JON!" Jul called out suddenly. I laughed.

"What the -? Girls, where the hell are you?" Serena called. Juliana & I stood up & waved at her. Even from a distant, I could see Serena's face turn bright red. So was Jon's! HE WAS BLUSHING! He met the girl who've been hinting things to him via cyberspace & now he is there with her. Next to her.

"Shano, don't you just feel happy to see Serena finally meeting her Idol?" Juliana asked. I grinned & nodded. Jordan & Joey looked at us blankly.

"Idol?" they asked at the same time. Juliana & I nodded. "Whoa. We both knew that Jon had this obsessed fan from Brunei but we didn't seem to think you guys knew her!" Jordy said.

"Owh, you have no idea what we have to endure!" I laughed. Juliana laughed, too, only nervously because she did had a celebrity crush on Jordy. "Anyway, it is an honour for you guys to come here to meet your fans!" I said.

"No problem," Joey said. Next thing I knew, Juliana & Jordy was in deep conversation leaving poor Joey & I to watch what was happening to Jon & Serena. "Finally, he found her." Joey said.

"Finally?" I asked. Joey nodded. "Have he been speaking of her?"

"Yeah. Almost non-stop. He said, he will find for that girl. No matter what!" Joey said. I was almost speechless. Apparently, when with Juliana & I, all Serena talks about is Jon.. whereas, at their part of the world, all Jon talks about is this mysterious fan of his from Brunei!"

I thought to myself. Was this fate? For both of them? Whatever it was, I was proud of Serena. Her passion for Jon was paid off. They did meet. Then I turned to Jordy & Juliana, they were both getting warm with each other. I looked at poor Joey. I didn't have a particular favorite member in the group. So, I sat down, feeling slightly relieved..

I was happy for the two girls. Especially, Serena. She found her dream guy. Juliana? I was also happy for her because she met the guy that has something on her criteria list. I turned to Joey. "Hey, Joey, what about we leave these four in here. I don't want to witness an orgy!" I said.

"Where do you propose we go?" he asked me. I shrugged.

"A little drink won't hurt?" I said. Joey apparently, wanting to get out, agreed.

"Let the two brothers deal with their fans here!" he said, naughtily. I laughed & took Joey's arms casually & we went out of the ballroom to get a drink or two with the intention to leave the people we were proud of to themselves.

DEDICATED TO SERENA WITH THE MESSAGE, JULIANA AND SHANNO LOVE YOU, SIS ;)

Hehehe. Written in about 10 minutes? I think. Hahaha!!

Slight Changes Has Been Made...

Hehe! Thanks to You-Know-Who-You-Are for pointing it out to me that the fonts were too small... Hahahaha! :P

Tell me what I can do to improve :)

Thanks! :D

This Girl's Gonna Be Alright

This video is a mirror to my life with M... I didn't make this video. But, I thank the maker. It is like as if you knew that this song is about me ;)

This song is by Nikki Flores... it's call This Girl.

Just sit back, let the video stream. Enjoy :)

Songs and What I Think?

Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler) - soppiest of all ballad rock. The song simply means, the persona is fed up of being in love. Her heart had closed.

All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You (Heart) - this is extremely simple. A one night stand song. *chuckles*

I am kinda blur right now, so, I can't really blog. Haha! I have nothing to rant about today! :P

My Patience Has Limitations

I forgot to mention what Aunty Mimi said about me yesterday. We were at Spring having lunch when someone stupid called me and said I was lying when I told him that I was with my Aunt having lunch. After I came back from being on the phone, Aunty Mimi said, "I admire your patience..."

That is the thing about me. I let people take advantage of me. Of course I get angry but then I am still too patient. I have confidence in people when I know I shouldn't have any confidence in them!

Why am I so stupid that way?

Yet, don't think for me being a patient person, I don't have limitations. Owh, I do. Don't make me angry, that is all. You can make me lose my mood but don't think of making me angry. You won't like it and I won't like it. I have a temper. It is not good.

When I am angry, I will start crying. That is a well-known fact about me. I will start shaking and then I will start crying my eyes out. It is almost sickening.

Seriously, right now, I am only ranting. Don't even think of making me take action for anything. I need to get out. I want to go to the beach. I am feeling so ranty now. Some people *rolls her eyes*

Those Days

For some kind of weird reason, when I woke up this morning, I suddenly thought about Kevin and how he was my saviour when I was still in school.

Come to think of it, M was never my saviour. He was selfish!

Anyway, I was bullied when I was in school. No, when I was in St. Mary's. I hated my life in St. Mary's. No one knew the pain I had to endure when I was in St. Mary's... I was being slandered of being a lesbian. I was being sprinkled over with drinking water while in the class. My personal stuff was raided. I hated 85% of my life in St. Mary's. No doubt, we were immature. Most of the time, people enjoyed making stories out of me. Owh well.

I was a reject. My disadvantage was, having a sister teaching in the school. As much as I liked having my sister to teach in the school, it was no fun. Seriously. Anything that happen in the class, if the teachers knew, all fingers will be in my direction when I know nothing and when I didn't even tell my sister anything. The other thing is, my case with that stupid teacher also known as Bangau.

As far as I am concerned, the only good year I faced when I was in St. Mary's was forming the Sweater Girls, which was in 1999. As funny as it sounds, it was brief. I think life was great when I was with some of my juniors. People like Juliana. The basketball club people. I always had fun with them. Even when I was with the choir, I didn't really hang out with my year batch. I was often seen with my juniors. *sighs* Pathetic me.

The best memory in St. Mary's was... the choir competition year. Haha! We presented Sarawak in Penang. Back then, I was singing Soprano 1 (highest of voices) now, hear me croak. I only sing Soldier of Fortune now along with all those other rock songs but not as good as Ella! Haha!

Yet, the best school days will have to be when I entered St. Thomas'. Well, I felt like I was appreciated more when I went to St. Thomas'. I wasn't much of a reject. No. I WAS NOT A REJECT. I was appreciated. To think that I could tame the toughest boy in that school. The naughtiest of all students... Never will I forget what he told me, "If you've got a problem, let us know and we will settle for you"

I will never forget them. Even now, when some of them see me in town, they will always greet me. As a prefect, I was never bad to them. If they've brought something they are not supposed to bring, I'd leave a note on their table saying I took their stuff and I expect them to come and see me after school so I can return it to them.

I think I should get off now. Suddenly, my mood turned bad. I don't understand people nowadays.

I seriously hate being a patient person! >:(

Criteria? Go Figure ;)

Hi, I am Jaja. (d'oh!)

I want someone who will appreciate me and will love me unconditionally and who cares for me and what I think about everything. Someone I can share my thoughts with. Someone I can share my life with. Someone I who can make me laugh when I am sad.

Read below to know more of what kind of guy I would LOVE to have in my life.

*nods* I want most of that in a guy. *grins*

How did I come across this? Well, I was cleaning up my laptop hard disk and my external hard disk. I want someone in my life who won't make me feel vulnerable. He will be the person who will put me up onto a pedestal to make me feel confident with myself. *sighs*

I need to sleep. I need more rest. I may be bound to wake up at 7 something in the morning now but at least I have enough sleep :) and rest.

If not. I'd get all cranky. Seriously.

In Relation To My Last Blog Entry and How It Affects Me

Bloody hell. I can't stop cursing. Someone indirectly ruined my good day! Why and how does it affect me INDIRECTLY?

Let me tell you a little bit about me... I am the type who is protective over people I care for. I had been in his situation middle of 2008. I never expect that my good friend would suffer the same... to feel the same pain I felt.

That pissed me off tonight. Seriously pissed me off. I hate it when people mess with my good friends or the people I care for. The 'victim' happened to be like a brother to me and the other person involved is my new found friend... I pity her.

I happened to be the type, if no one messes with my life, I am fine... and I am a very vengeful person. Considering, I hadn't forgiven a cousin for 7 years now... after she announced to the world that she FAILED her driving exam because of me. Right.

That fateful day in 2001 (Usu Lina would know this story) we went for our driver's exam and I specifically told her, "If you are NOT confident with yourself, don't use the technique I taught you..." Did she listen to me?

Nope.

Ah! I will rant later. I need to look for something to drink. I can feel my whole body heating up again! Darn. I am dehydrated and I don't intend to date the toilet bowl. With this weather? Pfuit! Everything is killing.

Nuril is in Singapore :(

I miss Orchard Road *cries* Daphne Che Che, you come home, don't forget Karrot C8! :D Kekeke! You brought it all the way from Singapore to KL the other day! Kuching is nearer! Haha! Christmas holidays we hang out at Bing! :)

My Rant In My Dialect

Nok tok khas kei rentua sik sedar dunia~ (mun kau terasa, nang nyaman palak aku)

Nang paloy kau ya owh? Pahal aku padah gya? Kau sekati jak nak tudoh kawan aku polah crita. Kau sik sedar dirik kah? Kau sikda bu+0h nak ngakuk kesalahan kau mpun kah? Mun kau pandei nak jeles ngan orang lain nak tegal nak rapat ngan prompuan yang di suk kau ya nak, iboh lah nak polah crita karut. Sik pernah aku nak temu manusia kdak kau egh. Heran indah aku leh kau, tauk sik? Dah kau ya besar panjang, berumor gik, berperangey kdak nembiak kecik. Skati polah crita hal orang lain. Salah orang di anok kau kowh. Bencer kau polah kawan bait aku skati glak. Jangan sampei aku gago nak polah hal juak. Iboh kau nak macam-macam egh. Sikda orang respek kau waima kau orang besar. Waima kau orang tua. Sikda mek orang lalek sapa kau. Skali kau malat mek orang, beribu kali mek orang ngenak kau.

Aku ingga menar ngan orang yang suka polah fitnah hal orang lain. Aku meluwat menar ngan orang yang polah orang lain skati. Iboh jadi puk!m^k bah!

Tegal kau polah kawan bait aku kdak aek juruk egh, aku menar-menar sik asa puas ati. Gnei asa kau mun ada orang polah kau kdak kau polah kawan bait aku? Isk. Sakit ati juak aku tegal kau egh. Menar-menar aku sakit hati! Benda yang dirasa aku dolok dah di rasa cdak yang rapat menar ngan aku! Dah lah aku sik maok orang lain rasa betapa sakitnya kes palat kdak tok. Biar aku sorang jak tauk gnei perasaan di palat leh orang tapi kau dah over glak. Kau dah nyakit ati kawan bait aku... mun kau nyakit ati kawan aku, kau main ngan dendam aku, tauk sik kau? Waima aku tok congek, tapi jangan ingat congek aku tok bukan tegal aku lemah... aku akan nangis bila aku menar-menar manas. Bila ada rasa dendam lam ati aku!

Bila aku pikir balit egh, kau ya jantan kah, prompuan... Iskk... ingga! INGGA!! INGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Mun kau dah berbini nak, cuba kau ngenang bini kau. Boh dikenang glak bini kau ya, mun kau ada anak, NGENANG NGAN ANAK KAU. Pengempang na kau nak nyeksa anak ngan bini kau owh? Jangan nyuroh aku pikir ya dasar lelaki. Jangan sampei aku padah, "Lelaki tok semua nya SAMA ajak!" Dah aku berbunyi gya, sik ku betah nak ada gerek egh. Sik ku betah nak nikah ngan orang laki gik egh! Nama dah sakit hati glak egh. Menar-menar aku sakit hati. Aku sakit hati bukan tegal benda lain, aku sakit hati tegal kawan aku sakit hati kerana manusia kdak kau!

Iskkk!!!!!!! Dah, terlepas dah geram aku... ya bok ckit. Lom gik nak berantu tok. Sikda mood nak berantu. Antu gik berderok ya! X(

I Tried Many Times But Nothing Was Real

Wonder what the significance are to my blog titles to my blog entries? Well, it is just being random. Today was probably one of those days where I say that there is nothing special. In fact, I told M off today and I think he was filled with regret. Let him. I don't care. He can try stealing my heart again... No doubt there is a little bit of feeling towards him but then, I had enough... He had bruised my heart so badly, I thought I wouldn't be able to survive each fall I took...

But...

Look at me now. I have the friends I need. As Yip put it, "You are glowing, Ja!". Thanks, Yip! *hugs*

My life is a soap opera. It is worse that Grey's Anatomy just minus the scandals and the sex. Just a hell lot of crying and complication! I don't want anymore 'soaps' in my life...

Just make my life a movie! *laughs out loud*

Anyway, along with this entry, I want to post something pretty interesting... I wonder who does it reminds me of? :)

There's a girl livin in this town
She's got her head up in the sky
But her feet are on the ground
There's a girl livin on my street
She knows outside her little world
Somehow ends are gonna meet
And when the road gets kinda rough
She keeps one thing in mind
The longest journey always starts
With one step at a time

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
She knows that a flower grows everytime it rains
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow ain't what it seems
She might not solve a mystery tonight
But this girl's gonna be alright

There's a girl walking in these shoes
And she knows that everythings she got
Is all she's got to lose
There's a dream right behind these eyes
And she finds a reason to be strong with every tear she dries
Being hard to fight the way things are
So she leaves the world behind
When the sound of doubts turned up so loud
She turns the music up inside

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
She knows that a flower grows everytime it rains
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow ain't what it seems
She might not solve a mystery tonight
But this girl's gonna be alright

She knows it's so much she's never seen
But time will allow her to find out what it means

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
She knows that a flower grows everytime it rains
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow ain't what it seems
She might not solve a mystery tonight
But this girl's gonna be alright

Alright, alright
But this girl's gonna be alright
She's gonna be alright, alright
But this girl's gonna be alright

This song reminds me of someone I know very well... The story about the persona is very direct. The meaning of the song is obvious. The story is about a girl who have been troubled. Despite being troubled, she see things positively... even with her troubles, she still dream for brighter days. Yet, she is confident that everything will end up okay.

The person I know happens to be lying within the pits of darkness. She cried and she felt like there was nothing left for her. She was lied to. It seems like there was never-ending problems in her life. At first, she felt like the world was closing in on her. She was betrayed by the person she trusted with her life with.

Now, even with such past mistakes and pain, she thinks that there is more to life. She moved on. Although when there is a stormy day, there will be the sun shining brightly for her. She knew there is a future waiting for her. She needs to start anew. She is determine to start a new life. She may have seen endless thunderstorms but... at the end of the day, she knows, she will win the battle. She will overcome the pain she had endured. She might have been emotionally abused... she knows, somehow, someday, everything will be better for her.

Heck.

That girl is me...

HOLY SHIT!

I can't STOP laughing! I saw something... extremely disgusting and funny. I am not going to put any link onto my blog entry. I am not going to mention any names or hint any but IF I WAS A GIRL THAT FAT... (damn, I am glad I am more gorgeous than that!) I won't want to even leave my house. Yet, I admire that girl because she's got all the guts in the world to show her fugly self. Ditto!

Damn, it is not I find it funny but I am glad that there are people who are fat (no, OBESE) and very confident with themselves. Bloody hell. I wish I had that confidence. To think I am NOT AS FAT (and fugly) yet, I am NEVER confident with myself and my body. It is sad, huh?

For instance, Valentina Hasan of the Bulgarian Idol who sang Ken Lee. Haha! When the judges asked her what language it was and she said ENGLISH! Woman, you sang Without You in gibberish and you confidently say it is English? Damn! I wish I had your confidence.

Ken lee, tulibudibu dochou... Ken lee... ken lee meju moorr!!

Damn, I am a size 18... That is considered big yet what size are you girl? Size 32? Good lord! Owh GOODNESS GRACIOUS LORD!

I should stop. I need to shower. I promised to fetch Aunty Mimi up at 10.30 am!! :D

Life of Agony

I did a search on David Caputo, the guy who sang with Sharon den Adel (Within Temptation) for What Have You Done and this is what I found and fell in love with :)

"I am"

I am hidden like love and the heart.
I am silent In the time of silence.
I am a fish In the dustless moon.

I am the sake of blood lappin blood devouring.
I am the image In which she has made.
I am ridding this world of the trouble.

I am every dawn out of love like the sun.
I am happy because of this unseen journey.
I am the mirror of every dream and every scent.

I am the presence of ‘she’ who knows all the secrets.
I am the eyes from your face I would never remove.
I am the soul of the soul we come shoulder to shoulder.

I am glad cause thorns grow from me.
I am like the wine I have brought you as a present.
I am your banquet, I go round for whatever (thing) you are thinking.

I am this very Instant from yourself.
I am without a tongue In everlasting fortune.
I am burning with sweetness for I have no need for this world.

I am Intoxicated for I have beheaded the helpless one.
I am your honey you are my eye and tongue.
I am day and night, for I have no knowledge of dawn.

© 2008 keith caputo

The dude is a poet! It is a beautiful poem. Although, his music can't seem to enter my mind. Haha! But I love Keith's voice in What Have You Done. With a voice like his, he should since more rock music!

Hehe, I am back loving this next song.. I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance.

Well when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way

When after all this time that you still owe
You're still, a good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
Is where you oughta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow

So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whooa

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Well come on, come on

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday"

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

That is my message to M. Really. Enough pain and agony in my life. ENOUGH.

Oh Why Can't I Be What You Need

I was in Adeeb's Facebook profile page and I found something extraordinary and a statement of truth.

Some people will say that i'm a joke
Some people will say that i'm a poser
Some people will say that i'm too emotional
Some people will say that i'm a loser

but what ever people say bout me .....i'm still me.

Damn right, you are! Who the fuck are people to say such shit about you? I mean seriously, why should we bother with how people think about us. Yeah, we might be different but all differences have its own special trait.

A person might be blind but don't think that blind person has no special ability. No one is perfect. I still don't get people who think that they are so beautiful when they don't realise that because of their confidence... they end up slutty... It is weird how people could be sometimes.

And I also don't understand people who are already good looking, still think that they are not pretty or handsome enough... Gosh. People nowadays.

I rant too much, huh? *chuckles* Out now. I can't stand it. My eyes are heavy. I am feeling rather moody. Thanks to that egoistic fucking idiot... and to think I told someone that I wanted to be happy in the day and someone had to come and fuck it up for me... bloody hell...

This is making me think of a song... Autumns Monolouge by From Autumn to Ashes...

'Oh why can't I be want you need, A new improved version of me, But I'm nothing so good, No I'm nothing'

I think, I think too much. Actually, yes, I do think a little bit too much. I think too much that I kill myself most of the time. ARGH! I SHOULD STOP THINKING TOO MUCH OVER PATTY THINGS! In the past, I would say, "I need a drink..." Now...?

"I need to sleep~"

What Have You Done?

What Have You Done?
Within Temptation [feat. Keith Caputo]

Would you mind if I hurt you?
Understand that I need to
Wish that I had other choices
than to harm the one I love

What have you done now?!

I know I'd better stop trying
You know that there's no denying
I won't show mercy on you now
I know, should stop believing
I know, there's no retrieving
It's over now, what have you done?

What have you done now?!

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you

What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!

Would you mind if I killed you?
Would you mind if I tried to?
'cause you have turned into my worst enemy
You carry hate that I don't feel
It's over now
What have you done?

What have you done now?!

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
What have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you

What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!
What have you done now, what have you done?...

I will not fall, won't let it go
We will be free when it ends

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
What have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us, between me and you

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away... oh
What have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer
There's a curse between us, between me and you

* * * * *

Is it just me or I tend to relate myself with songs by Within Temptation?

BREAK:- notice that I've been using song titles or lines of a song in my blog nowadays? That shows how bored I am.

Okay, back to where I stopped. I have been listening to Within Temptation almost non-stop lately. I have been feeling like a feminist lately. Is it a good thing? No. It is NOT a good thing. I am starting to think that guys are typical... Seriously.

How I relate myself to the song above? If you know my story with M, you will know how direct those lyrics are with my life. I am fed up. Okay, I was glad I could remain in a relationship for a long time... but then, when I think about it, why should I waste my time hoping for someone who isn't willing to change for the better... all for the sake of me? Instead of killing myself much more, I might as well... let go. I don't want anymore pain. I've suffered long enough.

I hadn't finished ranting about my life... I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I don't deserve these tears. I want laughter. I want smiles. I want... my life... I want what I deserve.

Jutology meeting on MSN Messenger! Eeps! Gotta roll and advance to the next level! HAHAHA!!

You've Opened The Door, Don't Let It Close...

I wish Tej would know how it feels to hold this pain within my chest... I wish Tej would know how hard it is not to blurt out the truth I keep within my heart. I am a girl. It is not right for a girl to confess her heart to a guy...

Call me old fashion but as much as claim I miss Tej, I am not desperate... I just need a shoulder to cry... someone to hold my heart tightly next to his and tell me, "It is okay, I am here for you..." That is a dream.

Who is Tej? Juliana and Serena are the only ones who know who Tej really is... *girls, SHH!!* Tej is the person responsible for my smiling face... and he it the person responsible for making me feel like even when the day is stormy, eventually, at the end of the day there is light... the sun will shine through the dark clouds. Tej is the person who makes my heart sings and face shine.

I never really noticed him until recently... He was the person who opened up my heart when the doors were closed and locking. Many people noticed the change in me. Many said, I looked happier. Some even said that I was glowing now... thanks, people...

Let it be only my girls who know who Tej really is and how he looks like... What I am afraid of now, Tej is only a crush or a fling. I cannot afford to have my heart bruised again. He opened the doors of my heart, let it remain open.

Fling or no fling. Crush or no crush. I thank him for giving me thoughts about life and moving on.

This part of Silver Bullet by Hawthorne Heights is for M.

Got a single Silver Bullet
Shot right through my heart.
To prove I can survive,
Without you.

I love this part of the song. I read some of the reviews, some people like the acoustic version. I prefer the album version of this song.

I think I will blog later. My head hurts. Big time.

These Thoughts

What do you think about this? There was a couple and then they faced a hell lot of difficulties. The Girl was cheated on. The Boy never listened to the Girl. She endured for a year. She was abused emotionally. She cried most of the time. She felt like she would never be happy again...

Until, they began to drift apart. He doesn't call her often like he used to. He often tell lies to her. He never told her anything anymore. In other words, they weren't like how they used to be... where she was, he was never too far away. And vice versa.

Until one day, he disappeared from her. There was no effort to even contact her. After almost a month... The Boy called the Girl...

BOY: What are you doing?

GIRL: Nothing much, I am not working today.

BOY: So, are we still going together to celebrate?

GIRL: Why? After you left me alone for a long time?

BOY: Are we?

GIRL: No! I don't want to...

BOY: Why? You've got another guy now?

GIRL: No, I don't want to be with you... I don't want to be seen with you anymore... You killed me.

BOY: You've got another guy now! Fine!

GIRL: It is your fault. You threw me away! You pushed me away! *holds her tears of anger*

BOY: *gets angry* I don't contact you for a long time and you do this to me?

GIRL: I had been crying for a year because of you, I loved you and you do this to me. Which is worst? Who feels bad? Of course me. Why? For you I've cried all my bloody tears and you never turned around to see me... let alone to make me feel appreciated. I didn't see any effort from you to even acknowledged my existence!

BOY: Don't expect any calls from me... Or me coming to see you...

GIRL: Please. I had enough of tears... I don't want to get hurt anymore. You killed my happiness, I had enough.

BOY: Fine! *hung up*

GIRL: *cries*


MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD! DROP YOUR MOTHER FUCKING EGO! How hard is it to admit your mistakes? How hard is it to confess your sins towards her? How could you be so heartless towards her when she had drowned in her tears for you for over a year?

That mother fucking bastard who is ungrateful... Losing her, she gained something her freedom... but he loss... his loss was a loyal girl in his life. So? She should rejoice. She should feel relieve...

But she was in tears.. why? She finally could leave him but he can't let go... What should she do? She should teach him a lesson. She should make him feel how she felt when he tortured her soul. She should be happy that she is free from her burden. She shouldn't cry anymore. She deserve happiness...

She deserves someone better than him...

*sighs* I will blog more later. I ran out of groove to blog...

Randomness.

Your birthday means that you are an early morning person.

You like water and water sports, and your best colors are blue and gray. You are artistic and love to express yourself in many different ways. While you tend to be more of an introverted person, that does not mean you sit at home. On the contrary, you have the best ideas when it comes to going places and finding things to do. You are very innovative and excel at creativity.

Owh dear me. This is what I normal do when I am super bored. I admit, that today, my mood improved slightly. Although, I did suffered from a tummy ache. I just came back from battle with Juliana via Window Live Messenger Plus! Haha.

I am feeling rather placid now. Really. My phone stopped making noise but my neighbour is still making noise... I read Adeeb's blog and some kind of reason, if some people people don't understand the messages he is sending, I would say that that person or that group of people are VERY VERY brainless. God gave you a brain to think but then you don't think with your brain. That is almost normal in a person who is envious. Let them be. Who cares what people think after all, criticism of the envious is the thing that builds you to prove that you are better than them!

It is weird how people function sometimes. Nuril and I normally have conversations about this when we see people in town... Here is the situation we face with certain people in our lives.

PERSON #1 : You people come from a well off family, can get anything you like... Unlike us, so poor and can only afford a miserable Kancil...

PERSON #2 : I have to get a study loan to continue study while you, your parents can financially help you with no problems.

PERSON #3 : You no problem, can get certain things with cash, we at the mean while have to pay monthly!!

Okay. What I think of people who ENJOY using statements like those above? They are HYPOCRITES. Why do you think I say so?

(NORMALLY) the people who talk like that in front of me are those who wears Roxy flip flops which cost RM79.90 (cheapest) or those using genuine branded handbags. Go clubbing at night like there is no tomorrow - hey clubbing is the most expensive thing ever to do because you pay to do stupid things like promote yourself in the clubs or drink alcohol -. Then, own the most expensive handphones in the market...

Person #1 irks me how? They are the ones who claim that only other people (who doesn't show off their wealth) can afford certain things and yet they are the ones with those expensive things which one can get for a few ringgits in town... They are the ones flashing their gold to the world... they are the ones who wears Roxy flip flops...

Person #2 in the meanwhile, pisses me off... they say they need study loan to study but when they do have money where they go? Clubbing. Waste money on ciggies. That is stupid. Why complain when you know you are wasting money on useless things like clubbing or ciggies?

And... I enjoy criticisizing person #3... this involves DSLR CAMERAS... they are the ones saying such thing, yet, they are the ones who owns those HIGH END DSLR CAMERAS. The cameras where not every lense can fit into any DSLR body and they are also the ones who says things like, "Who are you to comment our pictures when you don't use any expensive equipments?" OR "My work is better than yours because my equipments are costly when you are using nothing of that standards..."

Characters like that IRKS me! In a website somewhere, a virtual community somewhere, this ONE PERSON, claims, "I cannot afford a DSLR..." but a few days later, in a topic like TITLE: What was the last thing you bought?... the reply...? "Roxy flip flops!"

Bloody hell. You can afford ROXY FLIP FLOPS but you CANNOT AFFORD A DSLR? The cheapest flops would be around RM79.90... Let's just say, you get around RM8oo a month in order to survive. If you keep RM450 (per month) for half a year. THEN, YOU CAN AFFORD THE BLOODY DSLR! So, why complain about not being able to afford a DSLR when you can afford a miserable RM79.90 flip flops which looks like any other flip flops? *rolls her eyes*

Really, this bugs me because they are the ones complaining and yet, they are the ones who waste money on certain things.

I will never forget the day I first got my current car at the end of 2006. Up to today, not everyone knows I own the car I am using now until they see me driving on the road. Some of them even thought that I was still driving a Wira for crying out loud and to think, I owned the Wira in 2002! Why should I announce to everyone, "Hey, I am driving a bloody ****** ***" when it is NOT me who is paying for the car...

And what makes me feel like strangling a person is when they ask me this, "You bought cash?"... If I was in a sarcastic mood, I would have answered, "Yeah, I decided to choose a national car when I clearly can afford to get a Nissan Skyline GTR-34 cash..." but to be nice, my answer will always be the same, "I traded in my Sentra and now paying monthly..."

Sometimes, people just don't get it... not everyone is proud to show off their family background and I hate it most when people make a big fuss about it. It pisses me off. We are only human. When we die, we end up in the ground, too... I am amazed at how stupid some people can be sometimes.

I think I should stop. It is beginning to pour. Apparently, the Lady Rain is crying at the fact that Thunder and Lightning are quarreling again... *based on my story which I've posted in my Facebook note and in the 18sx Virtual Community* My wireless connection could disappear anytime, and I don't want that to happen since it took me a lot of brain squeezing to type out this blog entry! :P

Make My Heart A Better Place

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

As negative as what it is said above, it is very true. Just as when you think, "This is the person who I am going to share my life with..." and that is the very person who breaks you inside out. That is the very person who attempts to kill you. That is the very person you plays with your heart. Just as when you thought you can give everything to them.

I had enough of people like that... I am honestly, afraid to even fall in love. I had my share... In my case, he changed for someone who didn't really care. He changed because of the instigation of others who was envious. At first, I endured. I was sure he would succumb. Until a few weeks ago, as the doors of my heart closed, I realised that, I was giving up and I had enough. I dumped him. I couldn't hold the pain much longer. He treated me as if I was dirt. I am glad to think that I didn't lose anything... he did. It was my gain but his loss. Why? There I was loyal and was confident in him yet... he made me feel like as if I don't deserve to live. I didn't deserve a life full of happiness. That is when I thought, "why should I bother if he doesn't?" *sighs* I admit, I am happy now yet there is a certain emptiness within my soul. The feeling is empty though I am honestly contented. The feeling is beautiful yet ugly. The mixed up emotion conquers me. Deeply. Slicing through my flesh.

I did something stupid in the past which left me with a 2 inches scar on my left arm... That is the only reminder of my past... other than that, I forgotten what was it like to be with him. Every single memory of sweetness died when I was suffering within that year. When that skank entered his life... when he was always with that bastard... When, I started hurting myself... emotionally... and physically. I even got a supply of Gillette blades once... That was just my stupid past... Now, I don't do that. I know I've got people who cares about me... I thank them for that.

Nowadays when I look at my scar, tears automatically roll down from my cheeks. It was stupid mistake. It really was. I wish I never took out that knife and slashed myself. Quite honestly, I didn't feel any pain until blood started flowing. *sighs* It was 'good' experience to see and to get my arm stitched though...

I want to forget my past... although AUGUST and September 4th and my 2 inches "millipede" is a reminder for all the pain and endurance I went through. Well, like most people said, they pity me for being mistreated but I want you guys to know, don't pity me anymore... pity him, for losing a loyal person like me.

This is my promise though, even if I do get into a relationship again, I don't intend to hurt my significant other's feelings. I will take care of his feelings like how I've been taking care of his feelings in the past... and I will forget him entirely. Right now, as much as I hate to admit that it hurts trying to forget him, Tej's smile is the only thing that keeps me going on and on. I sincerely hope that it is Tej who will make my heart a better place. *smiles*

Anyway, yesterday I was angry at an arrogant person. I hadn't visited the forum yet since I am a bit too sleepy to even bother going anywhere else but Blogger and Facebook. So, about yesterday, I resort to pour my heart out by sending Ted Adnan an email. And he simply sent me a link which truly made my day (despite the bad tummy ache)

Please click here.

Preston Mack-- he's the man! Especially when he commented; "Nikon released a pair of the best digital SLRs ever made, the D300 and the D3." Damn, that TRULY made my day! Adeeb and I call those two cameras the SPARTAN CAMERAS. And I had the opportunity to touch a Nikon D3 (didn't dare use it!) and been taken a picture of with a D3! Haha!

Ted, you made it all possible. I was a little kitten at the side of the road, ignored and was left unsignificant in the photography world. Yet, you made me see myself in a different perspective and you are also responsible for my obsession for my cameraphone ;)

Gosh, as much as I loathe August. Things are brighter. Slightly brighter. Hehe! I will blog later when I get in the groove. I am in the mood to read something now. Hehe. Gosh, that article really made my day!

Give Me Something I Can Believe

Second day in a row of All I Need by Within Temptation... Honestly, I really really love that song. It is a beautiful song. I have to admit that that song have a nasty impact on me. I am not going to tell why or how but the reason why I want to make that video with Juliana because that song reminds me of how something verbal became physical... that is the imagine I get when I think of that video. An abusive relationship.

Here are the lyrics:-

I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't I ever learn?
I've lost all my trust,
though I've surely tried to turn it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear me down
You've opened the door now, don't let it close

I'm here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away from turning it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place

I tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away, don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don't tear me down

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place

Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better place

It is weird. This song has hope in it but I am thinking of an abusive relationship. Here is a spoiler. Maybe, I want to write the storyboard in a way that the girl was in an abusive relationship then got herself out of it and wanted to commit suicide but she had a friend who helped her out and they ended up together. I might want to change it a little bit... maybe she did intend on committing suicide but ends up dead anyway because she got invovled in an accident... while she was crying and didn't see where she was going...

The other song I have in mind is Frozen also by Within Temptation... Frozen is slightly straight forward.

I can't feel my senses
I just feel the cold
All colors seem to fade away
I can't reach my soul
I would stop running, if knew there was a chance
It tears me apart to sacrifice it all but I'm forced to let go

Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons I did it for you
When lies turn into truth I sacrificed for you
You say that I'm frozen but what can I do?

I can feel your sorrow
You won't forgive me,
but I know you'll be all right
It tears me apart that you will never know but I have to let go

Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons I did it for you
When lies turn into truth I sacrificed for you
You say that I'm frozen but what can I do?

Everything will slip way
Shattered peaces will remain
When memories fade into emptiness
Only time will tell its tale
If it all has been in vain

I can't feel my senses
I just feel the cold
Frozen...
But what can I do?
Frozen...

Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons I did it for you
When lies turn into truth I sacrificed for you
You say that I'm frozen, frozen...

This one... I imagine the girl causing the problem in a relationship and the guy eventually left her. She cries and regret for what she did. Haha! I hadn't thought of an ending though. Yet, Within Temptation had a different idea for Frozen...

That is their official video. I love Sharon den Adel! She's got a very powerful voice. I noticed that gothic rock singers have very powerful voice. Gothic rock and metal are two entirely different things. I think I should stop now, my head is killing me and my emotions are still trying to slice me into pieces...

Or... do whatever there is to do...

Randomness...

Whenever I sit in front of my blog, I become clueless with what I want to write. Darn! Haha! I miss my notes. Owh well. What to do?

Today, I got angry with someone. Someone who thinks that he is so high and mighty. There is no point getting bothered by that dude. Not going to touch about it but then I am going to find a reason why I blogged.

Many thanks to the NO-WARNING-FROM-FACEBOOK, Notes got temporarily disabled. They said there was a warning but I didn't get any.. Not that I care anyway. Currently, I am listening to All I Need by Within Temptation and on repeat.

Why? Since Juliana and I made the decision to make a video out of it, I went haywire. Everytime I listened to the song, I had an idea rushing through my brain. The latest idea started with a fighting couple... and ends with death. I am not going to type it all down because I might not like it at the end of the day!

I hate downloading anything or streaming videos at this hour. It is super slow. I think I will blog once I feel like it. My head hurts and I can feel that I am getting angry. Plus, I am still sleepy. Damn!

"Oh August, How I Loathe Thee"

WARNING: This post may contain a lot of harsh words...

Since last year, I learned to hate August... August is supposed to be a happy month for everyone else. August is a month of independence. August is a month of freedom.

For my country. But. Not for me.

August (2007), reminds me of the month where I walked into the biggest trap ever. The month which started it all. The month responsible for all this hurt and pain.

How much do I hate August?

Very much and if I were God, I'd get rid of August. It is to that extend that August makes me feel miserable. August makes me feel like jumping off the Civic Centre. August makes me feel like every time I go play bowling, I'd miss every pin every time. August makes me feel like a rotten egg or the Ugly Duckling...

In another way, August makes me feel alone. Unwanted. Unloved.

Why do I hate August so much?

I hated August since last year because of some SADISTIC f**king bastard who changed the life of someone I used to really care for. It was that same bastard who claimed that he never changed that person's attitude. Right. Although it was that person's stupid decision to be as lowly as that sadistic f**king bastard... and though that person did say things like, "I hate that (name)... He is the king of all liars"...

Dude, there is a mirror somewhere, go look into it and look at that bastard's monster. You are exactly the same. Only towards me. And your family. Maybe I love your mother more than YOU do. Do you even love your mother at all? *rolls her eyes*

I had hold my patience for a year now. This year, August 2008, I decided to give up. I decided to let go the one person I'd never thought of letting go. I was texting Kak Lin (whose birthday was yesterday) and she told me not to go back to him. It was his lost. His lost because I was loyal and loving towards him. Yet, I wasn't appreciated.

Even if he does want us to get back together, I won't want to. He was given the chance for over a year. Enough. He's too late. And, I don't want to risk anymore tears to go through. I want only happiness. I only want to be what I used to be. Happy-go-lucky me. Which, I am not because I lost most of my friends because of him. And to think, I was willing to even wait for him to be like how he used to be... yet, eventually, I gave up.

Why did God made me the faithful person that I am? Yet give me such challenge to face? I know that He is testing me to try my patience but this is too much... Everytime, I get myself someone I care for, this is what I get... Owh God, why do I feel pathetic?

I love this part of this song called Never Too Late by Three Days Grace.

The world we knew won't come back,
The time we've lost can't get back,
The life we had won't be ours again

There are some truth behind it. Well, despite me being the way I am now. After almost 3 years of being in a relationship. I am proud to say that I am single. Why? I don't have to worry about that idiot anymore. If he had truly cared for me, he would have changed. But what Kak Lin told me via text messages, he is not for me. He didn't appreciate my existance.

I intend to change my life. It may hurt. Yet, I have to admit, I am happy in a way that I am free from my misery and limitation of a life. In other words, I am free. Though, in this life, all I want is someone to actually be there for me. Someone I can share my secrets with. Someone who I can find comfort with. Someone who will understand me and won't change just because of the words of others. I hope. He will only add to my happiness.

Although August is the cause of me being emo like I am now, I am slowly becoming happy. Happier that I've been for a whole year of rainstorms. Just that, August kills the happiness within me.

HOPEFULLY, this will relieve me from my hurt and pain. I am feeling rather placid. Yet at the same time, I am still feeling as rotten as I did when I woke up earlier on. I can feel like today is not going to make any difference. Yesterday was a relieve but it was only for a little while. If only it would last.

Despite being hurt this way, it doesn't mean that IF I do get into a relationship, I would hurt the person I am with. I will never do that to a person because like all human, we all have feelings and I don't want any pity from anybody. I am building myself to get stronger when people make me feel like shit and no one has the rights to do any of that to anyone else.

We all deserve someone in our lives... and determination. PLUS, happiness and sunshine.

With this black cloud hovering over me, I would love a little sunshine. Have I found my sunshine? Not really. Although I would like it if I did~

Someday, I know I will find my sunshine again... and August won't be such a painful month to go through... August will be a happy month like how it used to be. August will be beautiful. And peaceful.

We all deserve some happiness. Even me.