The Thoughts of Revenge...

PSYCHE me!!

I think, I intend to make more and more people miserable rather than happy. Owh no. Not JUST ANYONE but SOME of those people who ACTUALLY didn't appreciate my existence and my sacrifices for them.

Despite how I covered up for them, this is how they repay me? :D Wow. Good for them.

They are just plain ungrateful.

Look, if you bit the chilli, good for you. I don't give a damn! :D I want you to. After all, I did my best to satisfy you guys and YOU GUYS were the ones who INSULTED me. So. It is only fair I feel this certain HATRED for you guys.

In some parts, I wished I had followed what he (and my parents, too) told me to do. Not to trust you guys too much. Damn. I was stubborn back then. I trusted you guys too much. Now, I am beginning to see the lies they've planted into the brains of others. Damn, I have so much hatred within my heart it is not funny.

I hate how things are going but I thank God I am facing it now rather than later. THANK GOD.

May they get more than how I've been feeling. It is okay. Go ahead. I don't care. I want you to feel how I feel. You are lucky, I am not ONE to leak out secrets. Haha! I am still with mercy. If THEY knew what you did to me.. HAH! That will be the end of you. BIG TIME. Seriously. I can't wait to tell those who deserve to know about it.

Revenge is sweeter than honey. Definitely sweeter than honey!

You know how people say, "one bad apple spoils the whole basket"? That is how things are going now. No more self-pity. It was my fault for TRUSTING you too much. Yet, it wasn't my fault if you were two-faced.

No wonder people never turned back to where they started. It is a great idea actually. Revenge, I mean. I will never go back. I had enough. I don't want to feel any pain provided by you. You tried to kill me. You won't have the chance to even hurt me. Apparently, you are not loved after all. I like that.

So. Instead of trying to kill me. Why not look into the mirror first before you could actually attempt to STAB ME IN THE BACK? :)

Don't blame me if I have black patches in my heart. There is a reason to it and YOU should know what the reason is. The reason is BEING INVOLVED when I was told NOT to get too involved.

Too bad~~! Because of ONE BAD APPLE, a whole basket gets ruin. Aww... pity! :) Thanks! For ruining my life. Thanks for making me REALISE who some people really are. THANKS for EVERY SINGLE MISERABLE MEMORY! I am happy to know the truth. I am glad I learnt the hard way. Most of all. I am glad to know that the flaw wasn't MINE ALONE.

Before you take advantage of other people, right? Don't back stab me. Nothing will be pretty later. Slowly and assurely, stories will come out. Eventually, I WILL FIND OUT more dirty truth about you guys. Politics here and there. Keep those who are most likely to back stab you. Throw away those who are loyal to you...

Final advice (I shall repeat), before you intend to backstab ME, realise your flaws first! :)

Man, I am beat. I am in a good mood and I need sleep! Good night! :D

It's A Beautiful Lie

It's a perfect denial. Such a beautiful lie to believe in. So beautiful it makes me.

Fine! Unexpected. Unheard of. UNCALLED FOR.

I don't get it. Why some people would believe the deceit of other people. I don't blame the person listening but I seriously blame myself or the person making up stories. Owh well.

If you are jealous. Just stand up and admit you are.

I am keeping an eye on YOU, Mr. Pervert. Don't act as if what is mine is yours. You have NO rights. Regardless of what, the money came from my pocket from my own afford and blood... Enough lies already about who really owns that thing... You tried to buy it from me 2 times cheaper than the usual price. Hoho. Not going to happen. Oh no. It is NOT going to happen.

My mistake? Living in my past. That happens when I dwell too deeply into the heart of darkness. I don't give a shit anymore. I have nothing to lose.

I pity a hell lot of people to believe in lies and deceit... I pity the person who dare not face the fact to fiction. I pity myself for hiding too much within myself... Most of all... I pity the person making up stories about someone they don't know... They don't know what they are in for. Hell... :D

Repent when you still could :)

Damn, mind the good mood. I feel like a devil. I feel like a demon. I feel. Evil within me. Good. Good.

YOU, MR. PERVERT, if you tried to destroy my life, don't worry. YOUR SECRETS are still save with me >:) BUT, it will eventually come out. What you DID to me and what you WANTED me to do. So. Don't think you can get away with murder. I can cause you your reputation and life. Think about it.

I am not as weak as I seem. I am more than you think. Be careful.

Guts: In Confessing Her True Feelings

Guts. The one thing she lacked. She has the guts to tell people what is on her mind... especially when she know it has NOTHING to do with emotions OR feelings.

Why is it hard for her to admit to him that she has feelings for him? Is it the fear of what happened to her 8 years ago? Honestly. Yes. She was afraid such thing would repeat. She once told this dude she liked him and he dropped her like a hot potato. No, she wasn't desperate. She just fell in love... she is afraid to admit. Still. Within the darkness she watched him.

She knew that she was beating herself up just by keeping things to herself. She wasn't willing to lose him as a friend. She knew she was in love with him and that was the reason why she was happy. She sees his smile to make her feel happy. His smile had the power to make her happy. His voice and his words made her felt appreciated. She knew, she could see some happiness when she is near him...

She wants to tell him to his face but she went to the beach and wrote on the sand:-

(name) I like you.

She was afraid of rejection. She was afraid she wasn't what he had in mind. Rather. She kept it to herself. She was willing to beat herself up that way... She wishes though, that he would know... how she had fallen in love with him and how all those feelings developed slowly.

She had a crush on him before this. It was nothing but a mere innocent crush. Until she got to know him. Until she realised that he was the reason why she started laughing and started smiling again. Unconsciously, fate took her by surprised. She said she won't fall in love again after a major heart break but. It was him. He changed it all. He was the reason why she believed chances were given to her to feel appreciated.

She wanted him to be there for her no matter what the circumstances were. She wanted him to make her laugh and smile, because. Only he had the power to do so. She is thankful she met him. She now believes that it was fate that made her meet him. It was her choice to befriend him. Yet, to fall in love with him was way beyond her control...

Jasima Junaidi 'o8

Have You Ever...

... felt happy because you are free from your burden but feel sad because you feel like you are losing something?

... missed someone else but can't stop thinking of another person's misery or sadness?

... felt uncertain and so much fear when the signs are positive?

That is how I feel...

Random Deliria

I LOVE THIS SONG! :D

Within Me

Honestly, I don't know what to feel. I am feeling rather. Offended with the news I got today. Not only the news I got today but the feeling is just there when... I don't know. I did laugh. I was happy but... at the same time, I felt sad. The expectations. The hopes. It felt like it all disappeared. It felt like. It never existed.

I don't know. Somehow, a part of me is lost. I am back to square one. I am back to that miserable path. Bloody hell. I wish I could cry but my tears are dried up...

I got to go now. Nothing in my head worth blogging about.

Sunset Shooting (Kelab Fotografi Kenyalang)

I had a blast when I went for the outing with these guys! :D

After the shooting session. I can't put in more pictures at the moment. I don't seem to have the groove to actually post anything. I am kinda sleepy.

I like the last picture of Anapie and I! Haha! In my hands was a Nikon D300. While he was holding onto his tripod. It looked like we were some sort of 'crime fighters'! Haha! Yeah, we are known as the Nikon Darksiders! Agent Jajersz and Agent Napie! :D

I had a blast. That matters!

He Who Had Given Me Nothing But Nightmares

I woke up this morning with a nasty headache. Wait. I woke up because of a nasty dream! He may be out of my life but he still invades my dream. Damn. Why? I don't miss him. Why can't he disappear from me. Damn!

I still have a few of his things which I need to get rid off. The ring he gave me? What am I going to do with that? Simple. IF I do get into a relationship soon, what I plan to do is, give that ring to my future boyfriend and throw it away somewhere with him or bury the past.

I had gotten over M because the more he tried to convinced me back, the more secrets and truth I find out. No doubt, I pity him for looking like a zombie now since I left him but he deserved it. Although he did explain to me why he did what he did to me. Yet, he still has no rights to bruise my heart so badly.

People can say, "You've been with him for 3 years... no regrets?" I would say, "NO REGRETS". Why? Why should I continue being in an abusive relationship? Why should I continue to be the one beating myself up for being to optimistic and patient? I did the most unbelievably stupid thing with my arm a year ago and he didn't bother with me! So? MOVE ON!

What is important now is:- I am over him. I am ready to face a new chapter. I am starting a new life. I am loving my life. I thank God everyday for waking me from my sleep and for me to face my life daily. Most of all for bringing that particular someone into my life.

I am who I am now. That matters most.

For You: The Thief Who Stole My Heart

This is for the thief who stole my heart. I wish I could tell you all this...

(name),

You saved me from the biggest mistake of my life. You made me realised that there is more things for me out there to see. You gave me back my smiles and my laughter. You were there when I needed you. Yet, somehow, somewhere within my heart, I wish I could tell you how I feel for you. I didn't leave him because of you. I left him because he did nothing but caused me pain in my life. I wanted to break free. You made it possible for me because you showed me you somehow care for me. You made me feel appreciated. All that happened to me where you are concerned was, I fell in love with you. With that, I became stronger to overcome my captivity. That was the only thing that happened. You didn't make me fall for you.

DAMN, THAT WAS CHEESY! HAHA! That is not exactly what I want to say but the words are more or less there. Hehe. At least, many people I know prefers him than M.

Owh well. I will let time heal me first. I will let time determine for me first. *sighs*

On Literature

Yesterday. I had a conversation with my Dad about poets and I saw the connection we all had in our family. We loved poetry. Of all the poems, his favorite is Desiderata by Max Ehrmann.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Nuril's favorite is Alone by Edgar Allan Poe.

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

Mine? I love the works of Willian Wordsworth! But I love this piece called The Rime of the Ancient Mariner (written with Coleridge). It is a very long piece actually. So, I will gave the link instead. My other alternative would be Daffodils.

I WANDER'D lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

There are so many other poems that I like but most of them are very long. The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes is also another favorite of mine. So is The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe.

And, did you know that Tim Burton (the director of Corpse Bride, The Nightmare Before Christman, Sweeney Todd) is also a brilliant poet? Tim Burton's: The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy.

Where poetries are concerned, I write poetries when I am feeling depressed.

Will share more later once I have more things to blog about. I am getting to the point where my eyes are heavy and won't let me have a clear vision of my laptop screen.

No 'koki' for me tonight. *LoL*

Athena: My Youngest Model

Puteri Athena Maimunah. My niece. The latest addition to my family. Look at her face! Gosh. Look so cheeky!

With my carrying my ever-convenient point and shoot camera around, Athena has been the best model there is. Not only her expressions are natural but I find it fun taking pictures of babies (infants). The challenge is there. You cannot direct them what to do. You cannot tell them to smile. It just happens... Babies are spontaneous. That is the fun part about them and photography.

No wonder Anne Geddes loves working with babies.

Photography And Me

{{ Part I }}

Photography and Me

How does photography affect my life? Academically, all my life, I've been a literature student. I analyse poems, stories, novels in many weird ways and I let my imagination run free. When I read something, I tend to imagine things. That goes for my analysis with photography. When I see something I like, I will snap a picture. If I don't like it, multiple attempts are made. Until I get the perfect shot, then I am happiest. How do I put in the two together?

I use my imagination. I believe that 'a picture tells many stories, when a thousand words paints out a picture'. You can use different words to describe a picture but you can only imagine ONE PICTURE from reading a thousand words.

So, it is based on your creativity. Different people different perspective towards life. So? No one is completely wrong or correct about anything. For instance, Ted Adnan's expertise is LIGHTING. Not everyone like the Creative Lighting System (CLS). But I can tell that Ted loves lighting. My favorite subject is clouds. My younger sister just told me she doesn't like taking pictures of clouds. Not everyone likes editting their pictures, they like it original. We are all entitled to our own perspective. Not everyone is into technology or mechanism. Not everyone is into art... Then it was Ted who told me, (mind you, personally) that it is not the equipment, it is what you see.

So, my conclusion, you cannot go all wrong or all right in photography. Owh sure, you got the, "that angle is not nice" or "no, that is not right!" It is all based on your own satisfaction in photography. We all have our own favorite subject. Most people like taking SELF-PORTRAITURE ;) I tend to when my Narcissism kicks in :D So? Who are you to say that there is RIGHT and WRONG in photography?

{{ Part II }}

Photography and Luck

I recently learnt to use a DSLR (consider 2007 a recent year...) and the first DSLR I've used is a Nikon D40x. Then, I upgraded to a Nikon D80.

Honestly, so far, I've got not best picture with the D80! Sounds sad, egh? The best picture I've done with a D40x is this one:-

I was experimenting with macro shots (another favorite of mine) and I shot a picture of the pellets. When I first saw it, I wasn't satisfied and I tried again. Wasn't as nice. So I deleted the picture. Another shot was taken. Again, I wasn't too happy. Was it all because of luck? Or wasn't it?

When it comes to luck in photography, I noticed it always happen when I am using my cameraphone. The best picture I've ever taken (on my first take) is this next one:-

Some people, when I first showed it to them, they thought it was taken with a DSLR. Oh boy, did they get the shock of their live when I said, "nope, it was my Sony Ericsson w700i!"

Don't get me started on my point and shoot cameras! Gosh! Really, it is weird, after handling a DSLR, you give me a PnS, I tend to get all blur! Haha! When it comes to PnS, I enjoy taking MACRO shots! And one of those micro shots:-

and

This picture if you see through my Flickr, you will see the sand detail! :D

All those shots are just me being lucky! Clairvision? Probably. We see things differently. That is our gift. :D

Anyway, I am looking for a moment where the Nikon D80 will give me some good luck ;) Actually. It did. Only, my shots aren't scenery shots but PORTRAITURE of Andrea :)

My attempt at CLS! :D

Hehehe~ Owh. That one can't be considered luck though. I was TAUGHT to do CLS! Haha! But that happened to be my favorite shot with the Nikon D80! Hehe! :P

{{ Part III }}

The Conclusion

Now, I am running out of ideas on what to write. All I am trying to say is... ANYONE can take pictures. Be an amateur. A professional. As long as you've got the eyes for a certain subject, you can take wonderfully delightful pictures! :)

And always remember, ANY CAMERA can be used to take pictures. You don't need expensive equipments to take pictures. Yet, there is something to ponder about. Photography is an expensive hobby. :D Let the passion drive you to understand why ;)

Deep Meme

I got this off from one of the sites.

If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
I was betrayed by someone I once loved. I was optimistic towards him. I gave him chances and yet he didn't give me any mercy. Honestly, I am quite happy he did what he did. If he didn't do what he did to me, I wouldn't be standing here, laughing my ass off at him for regretting. In other words, he got what he deserved. Serves him right for messing with the person who was truly loyal to him! HAH!

If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
To be successful. To travel the world with the people I love and to share all happiness with them. Most of all, I would love this dream to come true:- people to live in a world where the is so much peace and harmony. Most of all, I dream that my life would be better than it is now. It is not because I hate my miserable life. I love some of the people who made it beautiful but then I remain miserable eventhough I know they are there to love me and I love them for that.

What would do with a billion dollars?
Convert the money to Malaysian Ringgit then donate to those who really need the money like the orphans. Save. Spend. Hehe. Most of all, go travelling :) And I would even give some money to my parents and sisters.

Will you fall in love with your best friend?
Honestly. No. They know me too well. What I mean by that is, they can predict my movement and for me to fall in love with them, we'd have to be lesbians. In the case of Adeeb, I think, I would feel like there is an INCEST RELATIONSHIP! He is like a brother to me actually and that is how I want it to be. So be it!

Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
It takes two to tango. I would think it would be nice if one were to love and to be loved. It is sad if one were to love someone but then... not being loved back. So. It takes two to tango. To get both is a blessing.

How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
I don't know. I will let time decide for me. I had once wanted for someone to change. Until it was a bit too late for him. I lost patience. Everyone has patience. Don't let that patience run out. I gave M the priority of my time... he snoozed he lose. It is not my fault he didn't listen to anyone who tried to save his ass.

If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?
Get over it. Probably. There is no chance for me to be with him. So. Move on. I don't want to be seen as a s*ut. Right? I am not like some girls. They are willing to be mistresses or the third party. Not me.

What takes you down the fastest?
Emotion unstability. If you want to see me crumble, make me cry or angry. You will see it all. That is how you take me down the fastest. Toy with my emotions and you will see me crash and burn.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
Honestly, I don't know. I dare not say where will I be in the next 10 years. Anything could happen, right?

What’s your fear?
Currently, I fear rejection the most... The thought of it hurts me. I am afraid of being rejected for being too honest with myself. I am afraid of being too honest with something only to get beaten up at my own confession or my own honesty. If only... owh well... most of all, I fear fear itself. Someone, somewhere once said, that was it was wise to fear fear... can't remember who or where.

Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
Seriously, this is a tough one to answer. I would rather be loved than to be rich actually. So I would choose married and poor. Not too poor. Just enough to survive. Just enough to live by. What is the point of being single and miserable but rich?

If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
The one who will really take care of me. The one who is obviously concerned about me. The one who shows that he cares about me. What if both care? I would rather remain single. I wouldn't want to toy with anyone's feelings. I am not one who would toy with anyone's feelings. I know the pain. I've felt it before.

Would you give all in a relationship?
I did. Once. It was a mistake. The next time I get into a relationship, I would do the same and hope that won't be a mistake. I am one who would give everything to the person I love. My honesty. My trust. My loyalty, most of all. Damn, it pays to be loyal, huh? It is better to be loyal because it means security. You won't hurt anyone's feelings that way. You will be happy. I hope to find someone who will treat me the same way I would treat him. *sighs*

Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?
Holy crap. I used to do this because being the stupidly optimistic person that I am... I gave him a chance. But what did he do? He didn't appreciate me... Of course I cried. Of course I got angry. Of course I became frustrated! I forgave and forgot until I realised I had to lose my patience. He toyed with my optimistism and my patience. I should have left him a long time ago but it was me... I was too forgiving. Too optimistic. Too... kind... and most of all, too loving. He didn't deserve my love. Seriously. I even did the STUPIDEST thing in my life to prove my love to that bastard yet... what I got? Nothing but lies and more lies. Only yesterday I met Samee at Tun Jugah and he told me that bastard even ditched them despite them helping him out a lot... Owh well. He remains the unforgiven now. So sorry. Thanks for killing my happiness, M. Thanks a lot.

Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
HONESTLY, depends. Right now, since I am crushing and melting, I am happy being single but of course being single has its pros and cons. What? Well, I do get a little bit jealous watching a couple walking hand in hand, having fun. In the back of my mind, "Owh, she is lucky to have someone there with her... someone who loves her... and me? I thought he loved me... when he didn't honestly love me..." I was once happy in a relationship but when a relationship turns sour, that is when I would say, I would prefer being single. I would prefer being single if I was in an abusive relationship... vice versa? Yeah. Definitely.

[untitled]

It has been a few months since I declared myself single after being in a relationship for 3 years. But, 1 and a half years out of that 3 years was abusive. I am glad I managed to break free. The only reason why I managed to hang on was because he planted false hope within me and I was being optimistic.

Now. As a new chapter opens, I realised one thing. I am happier with my life. I can do anything with myself. I can go out without feeling too much guilt. It was because of him I was willing to ditch my friends. Sometimes, my family. Pathetic, huh?

*sighs* I am glad I have people standing behind my back. Thanks guys :)

Kids: How I Love Them. And How I HATE Them.

I love kids. Only if I could handle them. I hate them when they are bloody rude, unruly, rowdy and uncontrollable.

October 10th 2007. Arieanna turned 1 years old and was miserable. ON HER BIRTHDAY. She was sick then.

This year. She turned 2. When Nuril and I walked in, she was laughing. She was happy with her cousins. I was feeling quite relieved to see her all healthy and energetic compared to how she used to be a year ago.

Both years, I got angry. Why? Her cousins (who happened to be my nieces and nephews since they call Bang Hamzah;- Ami Jah...). Why her cousins? God forgive me for this blog entry.

FOR TWO YEARS... THEY BEHAVE AS IF... I don't know what to say. All I know, I don't like them. They are RUDE. UNRULY. ROWDY! It may not look like a bully but I see how they treat poor little Arieanna. Arieanna is a baby. She can't tell what they do to her is actually not treating her properly. All she knows, they are playing with her. I hate seeing the way they force Arieanna and how they teach Arieanna to do things I know Kak Lin won't approve of.

SELF REMINDER: Nuril and I made up our minds, Athena is going NOWHERE NEAR THOSE KIDS!

I won't want them to be a bad influence to Arieanna. Actually, I got angry most of the time with TWO of them. Brother and sister. I don't know their names because I am NOT close to them. Not only they were teaching Arieanna to do things like jumping off the stairs but they were rude to Nuril and I. Seriously.

Except that one little scrawny boy. After how I scolded him, he actually feared me. I was still in a good mood, so he could consider himself lucky. I was at the edge of being nasty... thank God for self-control, I didn't get nasty. I know Nuril lost her sanity when she shouted at the kids for being rowdy.

I hate kids like them. They can't be controlled. I know they are kids and they are active. I was a kid once, too but I never behaved the way they did. I didn't talk back to those older than me. I didn't treat other kids in an unruly manner. They make you feel like stripping them naked and then tying them to the pillar or something and pour cold water over them. Just to teach them a lesson or two!

I like kids like my cousin's daughter, Selina. I've not seen a 4 year old sitting so primly and properly when at other people's house. I like kids like that. They are good mannered. They are not naughty.

I understand that kids can get naughty but then those nieces and nephews of mine were 'unruly naughty'. I still can't get over on how naughty they were. It is not even the nice naughty. Argh. I just HATED the way they treated Arieanna. Poor Arieanna.

Poor Kak Lin, actually. No wonder she told me and Nuril to hang out until everyone else had gone. She wanted to talk about what happened. Apparently, she noticed that Nuril was almost losing her temper because of them. What can be done? Endure. If Kak Lin say something, she would get criticized. So better be quiet.

I am rather protective over Kak Lin and Arieanna. I know Nuril is too. That is another story. My entry is about the kids Nuril and I saw today. Gosh. Nuril was pissed till the extend on thinking of going all Sweeney Todd on them! Haha!

This happened at Bang Hamzah's house in Demak (nearer to Sepakat Jaya). So, you could imagine how far we were from civilization.

OUT OF RANDOMNESS, I HATE THE DOGS IN MY AREA! THEY ARE NOISY AND I DON'T KNOW FOR WHAT REASON! -_-" I am so tempted to take a gun and shoot them! That is one of the reason why I don't really like dogs. They are noisy! Especially that UNGRATEFUL Lorry! After how Della and I rescued him a year ago? When he sees me, he would bark.

I miss Poppy the brown and white dog that guard our area! :( He was the best dog around. He didn't make unnecessary noise and he didn't bark at us.. Owh well. I think I should stop here. My eyes are heavy. Despite having my 'koki' in the evening.

Of Koki And Choke-Lates.

I hung out with Juliana at Tun Jugah after 4 something today. I was pretty much sane before that since I was a bit angry at something and at someone and also I was feeling in a daze.

Thank God, man created Kokis and Choke-Lates..

Go figure :D

Sunset Shooting At Kampung Boyan

The Kelab Fotografi Kenyalang (Kenyalang Photography Club) is organizing an outing this Sunday at Boyan Village. We are going to do a sunset photoshoot.

I seriously hope I can go since I was the person sending out the event invitation via Facebook. I hope I can go. I need new materials for my portfolios. I am so bored and so sick of the collection I have. I have been rather brain dead lately even my pictures are that productive! It is almost sickening actually. It is upsetting. I think I could use more sunset pictures since my favorite photography subject are clouds... I love taking pictures of clouds. The formation. The shape. Clouds amuse me. Hehe! Don't think they are easy to take picture of. They are not :)

Anyway, I hope I can go. I need to go. It will be me and the Nikon D80 vs the sunset! Seriously, I also hope Adeeb can join us. Looking forward the outing. I need NEW MATERIALS!!

Realization?

I hear your voice on the wind
And I hear you call out my name

"Listen my child," you say to me
"I am the voice of your history"
"Be not afraid, come follow me"
"Answer my call and I'll set you free"

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice that always is calling you
I am the voice, I will remain

I am the voice in the fields when the summer's gone
The dance of the leaves when the autumn winds blow
Ne'er do I sleep throughout all the cold winter long
I am the force that in springtime will grow

I am the voice of the past that will always be
Filled with my sorrows and blood in my fields
I am the voice of the future
Bring me your peace
Bring me your peace and my wounds, they will heal

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice that always is calling you
I am the voice

I am the voice of the past that will always be
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice of the future
I am the voice
I am the voice
I am the voice
I am the voice

I love this song. It's a wee bit eerie in some way for me but it is a beautiful song. No doubt. I am still uninspired. Uncreative. Mind me.

Clueless..

I have been rather uncreative and uninspired lately. You give me my cameras, I would look at it blankly. You give me my pen and paper (even laptop), I would stare at it blankly. Yet. You give me my pillow and my bed. That is where the mother of all nothing happens. I drift to slumber. In a blink of an eye!

Also, lately, the clouds have been lovely. Yet, when ever I take out my camera to snap, it is either over exposed or under exposed. It is sickening. I hate it. It is almost like I am in a trance or something. Now. When I log onto any of my cyber social networks, it feels like everything or everyone in my network are dead. Seriously dead.

Nothing interesting have been happening lately since I started going down for lectures. It is undeniably boring actually.

I have also been in this explosive mood. I know I feel like getting angry all the time lately but at the same time I feel so free and happy without M to bother with my life. The thought of him really spoil my mood. I saw the ring he gave. I am going to do something about it. I intend to throw it away once the time is right.

Anyway, again in Friendster... I got angry at some people. Why can't people just rant on their blogs... if they want to insult other people, do it in your blogs. That is what blogs are for. You can do whatever you want to do in your blogs. You want to describe how you had sex during the day, go ahead. Where you had beaten up anyone you hate. Go ahead. Gosh. I am feeling crude, too.

Even when it comes to being narcissistic... I am not in the mood. In other words, I am not in the mood for anything. *sighs*

Will blog once I have the groove to do so. Clueless.

This Is What I Need

I need my own blogskin. Soon.

Mind me for changing my template often.

Within Jaja's Mind...

I cannot believed I actually slept at 7 something due to a headache and woke up at 9.30 only to chat with Juliana. Thank God she was able to come online. I was beginning to get worried over her actually. Anyway, when I woke up. We chatted and discussed about something that have been rather disturbing for both of us... Owh well. As disturbing as it is, I better not think about it.

After chatting with Jul, I went downstairs to cook something to eat. I was hungry. I was thinking of tom yam. I kinda miss Usu Aelo's tom yam... This is where the thought comes in.

I promised someone I won't go there anymore. I hate that place for a reason. TOO MANY PAINFUL MEMORIES are made there. My sorrow and my joy are planted there. Most of my memories with M started from Sukma Ria. It causes me so much pain when I look at that place. I despise that place although there are some things that I love there. But since I had been patient for too long, it was only fair for me to break free.

I think a bit too much. I hope I don't kill my brain cells from thinking too much. I think I should stop now. My head is beginning to start throbbing... it is sickening. And I can't sleep!!

Brainless

Yesterday something that got me angry happened. I was brought up to believe that family should be supportive. In the case that got me angry. I found family who weren't supportive!

Why should you bother with that name? It is not YOUR baby OR niece OR grand daughter! So what if her name is Puteri Athena Maimunah? She is a princess. Her name Athena symbolises her strong will. Maimunah means the blessed one. So what if Athena is the name of the Greek Goddess of War? It is only a name!

If an Ustaz can not fuss about it. Who is SHE to fuss over the name? It is only a name. It is not like we are honouring any God or Goddess... My Dad is a fan of Greek mythology and he didn't object to the name!

Not only that, when she said things like, "When she dies, God won't accept her..."

What the FUCK? The poor thing was just brought into the world and you are already talking about her death? Who the fuck are you to say such things? Are you jealous that because Athena has a beautiful name when your SKANKY daughter have such a usual name?

For your information, my elder sister is a history teacher. Of course she would give such a unique name like Athena. At least we treat Athena like she was gold. At least Athena is an honourable name. Why should you be affected by that? Just because her name is unIslamic? Is that it? Like your daughter's name is very Islamic and like you are that Islamic, too. You dye your hair. You dress your skank daughter like she was a prostitute. So?

Considering it was you who had actually made one of my cousins cry at her own wedding. Why must you behave as if you are perfect and everyone else is not perfect? This is not the first time you made anyone of your nieces cry. At one point until Melissa didn't want to get married because of you. Owh God. Why must you nose your way around?

Both Nuril and I have no more respect for you... after what you did to my sister, my niece and my mother... Nuril and I are prepared to fill ourselves with sarcasm when we see you in the future. You shouldn't have said what you said to my sister and my mother.

You maybe family. You maybe blood related. You maybe my mother's sister. I don't give a shit about you. I will remember you. I will remember how you made my mother angry and how you made my sister cried.

Brainless woman. Seriously. I don't know what else to say. I am still lost for words. I still cannot accept what she told my mother and my sister.

These Thoughts

I was reading Ijan's blog when I realised one thing:- where our last relationship was concerned, things were almost similar.

We were willing to leave everything behind... friends. Online life. But I respect Ijan for one thing, he actually left his online life. Completely because of her. I even ditched some of my friends because of M. I was loyal to him.

Owh well. Stupid things people do when they are in love. They tend to get too overly optimistic... when they know it is their heart that gets beaten up at the end of the day. They are willing to beat themselves up for the person they love but... when the patience reached a certain limit, that is it. GONE.

Anyway, I am missing someone. Very much. I miss hearing her crying. I miss Athena. She had been admitted to the hospital for 4 days now... for jaundice... After 15 years of not having a baby in the house, with Athena around, it is a wonderful feeling to hear a baby cry.

There is another person I miss (don't get me wrong on this one, I am NOT lesbian though I sound prone to being one)... I miss Juliana's insanity! I really do. I am currently chatting with Serena and we both miss Juliana very much. Juliana is the one person who could lighten up a conversation and entertain me and Serena with her insane fantasies.

Last and not least. I miss someone, too. Not going to go into deeply with this one. It might get too obvious. Hehe! I miss HIM. I wish I could tell him that but I am too chicken shit to do so.

Now, I think I should stop before I get too emotional. I miss so many people especially... Athena... I really do. 4 days without her, the house seems to be too quiet. Yet, it is a good thing she wasn't around for Raya.. :)

Selfish

Such people exist. I cannot stand it. I can get selfish too but then some people they don't appreciate other people. Argh!

Too many examples. I don't want to start blogging about it. I might be the BAD person later on since THOSE people are the 'GOOD' people. Right!

Anyway, Happy Eid Mubarak people :)

Decisions Are Made

I made the biggest decision of my life. It was around 9 pm when I went out to hang out with Juliana and the gang. Half an hour later, there was a phone call. The phone call I was actually waiting for. The phone call where I gave my final answer and decision. I answered.

He was shocked to hear that I was out at Memories, Padungan. It wasn't because he didn't care. He cared (sincere or not, it doesn't matter anymore). Yet, I took the courage to wish him Eid Mubarak and then asked for forgiveness if I've done anything wrong and told him that I hoped we could be just friends. Not more. His voice changed. I wasn't being cruel but I was being full of mercy for myself and I got over him because the last few moments of my relation with him was filled with sadness and tears and uncertainty. Yet, he didn't care. So, it was time I did some justice for myself. I had to let go.

Afterall, because of other people's jealousy, his family was being discriminate because of me. On his part, I lifted a burden from his family. I had enough. I don't want to hurt their feelings as much as I don't want my heart to be beaten up again. Enough.

Even with people instigating, bad-mouthing, or whatever-ing, he shouldn't have done what he did to me. The right thing to do was to actually explain to me what he was going through rather than toying with my heart, sleeping around or... abandoning me when I needed him most.

Now that I am free. I realised one thing. Like what someone once told me, "There is more to life..." and he was right. If I was shameless, I would give him a hug but since I come from a country where hugging someone of the opposite sex with no relation seems, wrong. I don't think I will.

Letting go: was the biggest decision I made tonight. Setting myself free from my cage: was the biggest step I did. I owe thanks to someone. Also. Hehe! I am not trying to say that because of someone else I don't feel anything for him but... it was his actions which hurt me so bad that made me make my decisions. He keep on asking me if I had someone else.

No. I am single.

I don't have anyone else. Would love to but... I am not expecting anything just yet. I want to heal my wounds for the time being. I admit. I may have fallen for someone else but I do have my doubts. It takes two to do the tango but then I don't want anymore disappointment in my life. I cannot afford anymore disappointment.

I want my smile back. I want my laughter back. I want myself back. The bubbly me. The happy-go-lucky me. I also want someone who will care for me... and sincerely love me for me. As much as I hate to admit that I am afraid to fall in love again... but... chances are given for a reason.

Because of chances, I learn. I hope. The next person in line won't hurt me. I know I won't toy his feelings. I will always be loyal. I will always be patient. I will always be loving and optimistic. There is no point in hurting someone who truly loves you. It is completely different if he hurt you first and you give him chances to redeem himself but does not put any effort in taking care of your heart.

What are the circumstances? Goodbyes.

Rather than beating yourself up like how I did for over a year plus... I finally realised, it would have been nice if I saved myself before I beat myself to death.

Tonight. I decided that I let go of the one thing I had hoped not to let go but when I think about getting beaten up because of a slut and getting cursed at because of a slut and not getting appreciated for being too loyal. It was best if I let go.

No doubt there are scars to remind me of my bitter past with him. Yet, I am giving myself some mercy. I am healing myself from the wounds that I had left bleeding for so long.

Afterall, I deserve another chance with another person. I need to start a new chapter. I deserve a new chapter. :)