I made the biggest decision of my life. It was around 9 pm when I went out to hang out with Juliana and the gang. Half an hour later, there was a phone call. The phone call I was actually waiting for. The phone call where I gave my final answer and decision. I answered.
He was shocked to hear that I was out at Memories, Padungan. It wasn't because he didn't care. He cared (sincere or not, it doesn't matter anymore). Yet, I took the courage to wish him Eid Mubarak and then asked for forgiveness if I've done anything wrong and told him that I hoped we could be just friends. Not more. His voice changed. I wasn't being cruel but I was being full of mercy for myself and I got over him because the last few moments of my relation with him was filled with sadness and tears and uncertainty. Yet, he didn't care. So, it was time I did some justice for myself. I had to let go.
Afterall, because of other people's jealousy, his family was being discriminate because of me. On his part, I lifted a burden from his family. I had enough. I don't want to hurt their feelings as much as I don't want my heart to be beaten up again. Enough.
Even with people instigating, bad-mouthing, or whatever-ing, he shouldn't have done what he did to me. The right thing to do was to actually explain to me what he was going through rather than toying with my heart, sleeping around or... abandoning me when I needed him most.
Now that I am free. I realised one thing. Like what someone once told me, "There is more to life..." and he was right. If I was shameless, I would give him a hug but since I come from a country where hugging someone of the opposite sex with no relation seems, wrong. I don't think I will.
Letting go: was the biggest decision I made tonight. Setting myself free from my cage: was the biggest step I did. I owe thanks to someone. Also. Hehe! I am not trying to say that because of someone else I don't feel anything for him but... it was his actions which hurt me so bad that made me make my decisions. He keep on asking me if I had someone else.
No. I am single.
I don't have anyone else. Would love to but... I am not expecting anything just yet. I want to heal my wounds for the time being. I admit. I may have fallen for someone else but I do have my doubts. It takes two to do the tango but then I don't want anymore disappointment in my life. I cannot afford anymore disappointment.
I want my smile back. I want my laughter back. I want myself back. The bubbly me. The happy-go-lucky me. I also want someone who will care for me... and sincerely love me for me. As much as I hate to admit that I am afraid to fall in love again... but... chances are given for a reason.
Because of chances, I learn. I hope. The next person in line won't hurt me. I know I won't toy his feelings. I will always be loyal. I will always be patient. I will always be loving and optimistic. There is no point in hurting someone who truly loves you. It is completely different if he hurt you first and you give him chances to redeem himself but does not put any effort in taking care of your heart.
What are the circumstances? Goodbyes.
Rather than beating yourself up like how I did for over a year plus... I finally realised, it would have been nice if I saved myself before I beat myself to death.
Tonight. I decided that I let go of the one thing I had hoped not to let go but when I think about getting beaten up because of a slut and getting cursed at because of a slut and not getting appreciated for being too loyal. It was best if I let go.
No doubt there are scars to remind me of my bitter past with him. Yet, I am giving myself some mercy. I am healing myself from the wounds that I had left bleeding for so long.
Afterall, I deserve another chance with another person. I need to start a new chapter. I deserve a new chapter. :)
He was shocked to hear that I was out at Memories, Padungan. It wasn't because he didn't care. He cared (sincere or not, it doesn't matter anymore). Yet, I took the courage to wish him Eid Mubarak and then asked for forgiveness if I've done anything wrong and told him that I hoped we could be just friends. Not more. His voice changed. I wasn't being cruel but I was being full of mercy for myself and I got over him because the last few moments of my relation with him was filled with sadness and tears and uncertainty. Yet, he didn't care. So, it was time I did some justice for myself. I had to let go.
Afterall, because of other people's jealousy, his family was being discriminate because of me. On his part, I lifted a burden from his family. I had enough. I don't want to hurt their feelings as much as I don't want my heart to be beaten up again. Enough.
Even with people instigating, bad-mouthing, or whatever-ing, he shouldn't have done what he did to me. The right thing to do was to actually explain to me what he was going through rather than toying with my heart, sleeping around or... abandoning me when I needed him most.
Now that I am free. I realised one thing. Like what someone once told me, "There is more to life..." and he was right. If I was shameless, I would give him a hug but since I come from a country where hugging someone of the opposite sex with no relation seems, wrong. I don't think I will.
Letting go: was the biggest decision I made tonight. Setting myself free from my cage: was the biggest step I did. I owe thanks to someone. Also. Hehe! I am not trying to say that because of someone else I don't feel anything for him but... it was his actions which hurt me so bad that made me make my decisions. He keep on asking me if I had someone else.
No. I am single.
I don't have anyone else. Would love to but... I am not expecting anything just yet. I want to heal my wounds for the time being. I admit. I may have fallen for someone else but I do have my doubts. It takes two to do the tango but then I don't want anymore disappointment in my life. I cannot afford anymore disappointment.
I want my smile back. I want my laughter back. I want myself back. The bubbly me. The happy-go-lucky me. I also want someone who will care for me... and sincerely love me for me. As much as I hate to admit that I am afraid to fall in love again... but... chances are given for a reason.
Because of chances, I learn. I hope. The next person in line won't hurt me. I know I won't toy his feelings. I will always be loyal. I will always be patient. I will always be loving and optimistic. There is no point in hurting someone who truly loves you. It is completely different if he hurt you first and you give him chances to redeem himself but does not put any effort in taking care of your heart.
What are the circumstances? Goodbyes.
Rather than beating yourself up like how I did for over a year plus... I finally realised, it would have been nice if I saved myself before I beat myself to death.
Tonight. I decided that I let go of the one thing I had hoped not to let go but when I think about getting beaten up because of a slut and getting cursed at because of a slut and not getting appreciated for being too loyal. It was best if I let go.
No doubt there are scars to remind me of my bitter past with him. Yet, I am giving myself some mercy. I am healing myself from the wounds that I had left bleeding for so long.
Afterall, I deserve another chance with another person. I need to start a new chapter. I deserve a new chapter. :)
